Do you feel terrible if someone is kind to you?

[ah]

Someone was just generous to me (to my surprise) and I literally feel so awful I want to crawl into a deep hole in the ground and never come out.
It's more triggering than cruelty, so much more.
Twisted brain, standing on its head! My brain sees cruelty as normal and kindness as danger? 
I feel weak, exposed, hated, despicable, pathetic, ugly, unbearable. I'm sure the person who was generous to me is now laughing at me behind my back, sitting in the car with all the others saying dreadful things about me and sniggering. Patronizing and disgusted by me.

[Blueberry]

In the early days, um wait, no, years of healing I used to cry uncontrollably if someone was kind to me.

[woodsgnome]

My reactions are similar to all of what's been said. First it's shocking that anyone would care, followed by suspicions of their sincerity, and finally an 'oh well, if they only knew the real me.' By the time I realize none of that applies, the gift-giver is often long gone; and yes, perhaps a bit miffed at my inability to accept it as a free token of appreciation/friendship, etc.

And how utterly lame that is. I know that . But I can't seem to fully overcome it . Then it's as hard to turn off the self-hate/disgust that I'm still that way. Going the other way, no prob; I do give, but I can't take it--or anything else--that says I'm even okay.

I accept the reasons why, they're a no-brainer. The worst why is the one that wonders when I can change...follwed in the same breath with a 'you don't deserve it'.

I don't so much hope for change anymore as vow to keep the self-compassion bulb lit, and remember to put in a stronger bulb while I'm at it. And the only self-sooth store where I can find one is within my heart.

Best to you, ah. 

[Kat]

Ditto what Blueberry said: "In the early days, um wait, no, years of healing I used to cry uncontrollably if someone was kind to me."

[Sceal]

I tend to think that their kindness and the compliments doesn't belong to me. I smile and say thank you, because I've learned that is how I'm supposed to react.
But I don't connect with the kindness. It's like I'm just a bystander, watching it happeneing to someone else.
I've come to understand from my last session with my T, that it's probably because I'm scared that what they are saying is true. And that messes with my self-identity, and if it's true, then... how long until they leave anyway despite what they said was true? And how much harder do i then have to work for it again?

[Rainagain]

I tend to not see kindness toward me.

Sometimes it makes me suspicious.

Sometimes I feel pathetically grateful, like when dobbie the house elf is given a sock.

None of my reactions are 'normal'

Yet I have compassion for others, just not for myself.

[Healing Finally]

I recoil from kindness when I'm in an emotional flashback (which has been a lot lately.)  It's really hard on my boyfriend.  I don't want his affection, I push him away.  Very sad for both of us.    - when I'm not feeling an EF, I just discount the kindness, like it didn't happen. 

[bogan]

Same here, can do anything for anyone, but cant accept anything for myself. I worked with someone who was always gratefull and complimentary whenever I did anything for her , it took almost 2 years before I could accept that there was no punch line at the end of the compliment.

[LittleBird]

Yes. The people who hurt me were hurt too. It's very difficult to distinguish what help, generosity or kindness looks like. Even when I trust someone, my mind will click into defense mode at some stage.

[DecimalRocket]

I used to before, but now I only do so when I spend time in EFs which are getting less and less frequent. 

I cried uncontrollably whenever I said any vague idea of how hurt I am to someone. I suspected everyone of betraying me. Even the people who were kind to me consistently for more than a year, even a friend who I've known for more than a decade, never got my full trust. I thought all people who helped me might have been just doing it because "they should" or to look better to others.

Geez. Not pretty. Condolences to all your pain. 

[Jazzy]

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I'm not really sure what to reply though, I've started a few and erased them already.

Do you have experiences where this has been true? You don't need to reply to me if you're not comfortable of course, it's more something for you to think about.

My brain sees cruelty as normal and kindness as danger? 

Maybe your brain is not so twisted, and just reacting to what has happened in the past (maybe still happens). I think with a lot of this stuff, we need to not only retrain our minds, but stay in situations in which a "normal" mindset is a healthy one. Where such extreme defense mechanisms aren't needed to stay safe.

[ah]

I hid during the holidays, I'm sorry it's taken me forever to respond here.

I think that's a very interesting question, I have no idea... maybe I'm seeing things in a twisted way?? Maybe not?? I'm no expert on normalcy since I've never experienced it.
I have such a hard time recognizing violence and naming it, because I've never been safe and I'll never be safe. The moment someone is violent toward me my mind starts dissociating, forgetting, guilt tripping me, begging to be accepted by others (I never am, which is far from enjoyable so the whole cycle begins again: dissociating, forgetting, guilt...  )

It feels like in trying to name bad as bad and good as good, I'm trying to get through an enormous concrete wall in my head.
But I understand where it comes from, I've survived my joke of a violent life by dissociating non stop.

In retrospect, part of my question may have been self hatred in disguise, not letting me feel my emotions.
Jazzy, thank you for showing me this aspect of it  I wouldn't have seen it by myself. Thanks for not erasing the last one.

[Blueberry]

Welcome back, ah!

[Jazzy]

Hey, no problem at all! I hid during the holidays too. Welcome back!

I'm glad you were able to put some thought in to it and see things in a new way. It sounds like things are very difficult, but you're making progress!

I get that it is very difficult, and sometimes even impossible, but I encourage you to practice compassion towards yourself, and work on making little steps forward, no matter what point you're at. Try to focus on making progress more than where you are compared to "normal". Your well being is more important than your "normality". 

Take care ah!