SIL and B

[Blueberry]

I've just copied this from a post of ThreeRoses (thx 3R!) "something kept my parents in a completely enmeshed and exclusive relationship. There wasn't any room for anyone else" because it reminded me of one SIL.

Of course B is permitted to have a relationship with and marry who he likes but her behaviour towards me is strange. I don't know enough about their relationship to know if they're enmeshed and quite frankly atm don't really care, but when still in contact and in face-to-face contact if B suggested we go for a short walk together - pretty harmless activity right? - the boundary she set towards me was palpable (to me). I could feel it in the air and I'm not exaggerating. There quite obviously wasn't room for me, despite being invited along by B. I was worried what would happen if they had kids, but the boundary has been put right round them, rather than excluding them. Which is good obviously. But what's with putting up a palpable boundary to me, SIL, when invited to join briefly by B?

But I got my answer of course at the FOO blow-out. She's joined the rest of FOO in seeing me as SG and B has joined her after (pretending??) to see my side for years. I suppose they had their Last Straw moments too, but I don't see them being as quite as viable as my Last Straw moments because B is not working on FOO problems. He enables M, can't set her a boundary because that's not allowed in FOO, so sets me it instead, which has always been permitted in FOO. Before he set boundaries, SIL was doing it to me, because I guess they weren't on the same page about me. But at FOO blow-out it became apparent that they are. Which maybe sounds admirable but it would be better if they got on the same page about M and gave her her just desserts instead of SIL scapegoating me. Sometimes I did feel like saying "You know, I'm not M!" but I never did in order to "keep the peace". She used to lecture me about not doing things that she had no way of knowing whether I do them or not, just as a precaution, instead of waiting to see if I actually did them. Just because M did them.

[Andyman73]

Blueberry,

I'm so sorry that your SIL and B have done this, and that your FOO in general has done this to you. My own FOO disinigrated in 2005. I was the stand-in target for my twin brother. Since the issue originated with him and his family. Twin brother basically was ostracized by 98% of FOO and extended FOO. I maintained a strong connection with him, so everyone directed their hate and discontent at me, as the substitute target. Took 10 years to run it's course. Twin had no idea this was even happening.  My wife was the worst, she was actually using this as an opportunity to make it a personal attack about me.
Sorry..shouldn't have come...hurts too much

[Blueberry]

All of 4 days ago, but I completely forgot I wrote this. I guess it's all still cognitive and not getting into my feelings yet. maybe that's good so I won't get swamped.

Andyman, I'm sorry you've had FOO problems like this too. Means I'm not the only one. Strength in numbers and all that. Would be better if none of us had ever had this to deal with though.

[Andyman73]

All of 4 days ago, but I completely forgot I wrote this. I guess it's all still cognitive and not getting into my feelings yet. maybe that's good so I won't get swamped.

Andyman, I'm sorry you've had FOO problems like this too. Means I'm not the only one. Strength in numbers and all that. Would be better if none of us had ever had this to deal with though.

I often forget what I write...and sometimes see stuff that I didn't write, yet is posted by me.

Birds of a feather, huh? Glad to flock with you.