Camille's Journal (TW)

[camille13512]

San, thank you. I will try to keep up. It's been a tumultuous week for me, but I'll keep trying. 

Decimal, yes, the conversation almost sounds "fake" to me. But maybe just crying out things I don't firmly believe yet still helps. I mean, I've learned the worst thing through the same way (repeatedly hearing bad things about me that finally turned into ICr), so there is no reason it won't work the other way around.

Ah, thank you. I wish to be powered more, but one step at a time I suppose.

[camille13512]

I've tried a few more things. Maybe I shouldn't have moved so fast so soon, but I couldn't wait. Unfortunately things just coincided with external triggers (always the best of luck).

I had a talk with M and tried to set boundaries with her. I told her the things she said that hurt me. And I asked her to promise to never say those things again. She apologized, and promised. That is probably the best I could hope for. I was crying the whole process like a joke, and I had to constantly defend my feelings because she got defensive back and said that I misunderstood her intentions and what she really meant. But after I clarified why I felt so upset and why I thought she was wrong in the very specific cases I raised, she said that she was sorry, that she didn't know better because no one taught her the right and wrong when she grew up. And now she knows how it affects me she won't do that any more.

-- TW (language) --
I am somewhat relieved that we set something straight. At least on the very specific things we talked about we had a consensus. But in the middle of it I felt really helpless when she said she loves me. I had the exact same reaction when my friend said "you know I love you, right?". I just want to shout back:"No, I don't believe you!" And I know this is a triggered response, a feeling instead of a real thought, but it's so painful to hear those words and only feel bitterness and despair. "I believe you think you love me, but I don't believe you actually do." This is all I can think of. And the hopeless part is not that I could be right or wrong, but that there is no way to find out, and in either case this is the best people have done for me, and I'm still rejecting it.I am also worried that I might have hurt M just as much. In one of the very few moments when she showed vulnerability to me, she said that she "failed in pretty much everything except being a mom", and now I took the last bit of that self-assurance away from her. I thought I was trying to heal, but really all I am doing is breaking; breaking relationships, breaking people's feelings, breaking what I have left.

This happened one week ago. I isolated myself and shut down after the conversation even though I did not regret having it.

--Modified: delete disturbing contents--

Today I set everything back. I woke up to another triggered EF. M called in when I was in the middle of it. I said a number of horrible things to her. Everything felt so hopeless. I've done too much damage to be able to remedy it before I damage again.

I'm not completely out of it yet. I need some time for myself, but I have work to do. I'll try to come back after I stabilize down a bit.

[sanmagic7]

standing right beside you, camille, while you go thru this process.  i think you did well with your mom, and am glad to hear that she apologized and explained.  i've done that w/ my own d because i am sorry i hurt her and also because i didn't know how to do it differently.   i've also messed up a few times, but she now knows that sometimes i need reminding and i'm able to apologize quickly now for the slip-up.

i always took pride in being a good mom, too, and learning i wasn't as good as i thought stung a bit, but i'd rather know the truth and change what i can than keep going on hurting her or making her uncomfortable.  because she's spoken up, we are now having an easier, more comfortable relationship, more fun together, and more trust between us.

i think accepting love can be difficult - it's such a huge emotion to wrap one's head around, and if we haven't been shown love in our past, we don't necessarily trust it in our present.  it sounds like you're going thru some changes, camille, and those are usually messy times.  small steps, my dear.  they still count.  big hug to you.

[DecimalRocket]

I've had a similar talk with my M today after having multiple EFs so destructive that it left me feverish and weak — meaning I had to stay at home for now. She kept pushing me to follow through with things even if I was exhausted and it took a lot of effort emotionally and physically to convince her.

It can be tough to learn how to communicate this way, especially when we can both be sensitive to rejection. But communication and boundaries allow a greater peace in the long term from my own experiences and others I've heard.

So take it easy. 

[camille13512]

Sorry I have been missing the past few days. I was struggling to hold myself together, but I finally got out of the last round of EF.

San, thank you, as always. Thank you for the perspective as a mother. I tried to think from M's side too, but she said it was impossible for me to understand because I never had the experience. I guess that generally holds true, that we can never fully understand each other because we cannot share brains and experience the same way, but I still believe that some kind of mutual agreement can be achieved. Red might be of a different hue in our eyes, but we would both agree sunset is beautiful.

Decimal, I agree with you that even though it is difficult, conversation like this can still be helpful. I will try to keep this mind set but I'm sure the next time I will just struggle as much. So I guess pace is the key. 

[DecimalRocket]

I'm just glad you're trying Camille. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you're feeling a bit more stable, camille.  going thru that stuff is just messy, but we can usually come out the other side a little wiser, a little stronger, and a little better prepared.

i think you're doing great.  pace is definitely important.  big hug full of care and love.

[camille13512]

Thanks, Decimal and San. I can't really say that I'm making progress. I keep an hour entry to keep track of every hour of what I am doing because I so often lose track of time. And I made a new column to take notes of EF episodes and ICr ranting. The pie chart of the EF vs non-EF is just deflating if not scary.

I feel guilty every time I log on here and try to post how I feel, if that feeling is not positive enough. My logical side tells me that this is alright, this is what a journal is supposed to do, to record all the snapshots of my moods, emotions, helplessness and relief. But my well-trained slave of ICr would start pouring the opposite ideas: I am a burden, a violator, an intruder. That little protégé of ICr wins every time, especially when I am triggered. I self censor everything I feel, everything I want to say, everything that is true but not pleasant. So why am I here again? Maybe my baby self wants help,  even though her sister is horrified that there would be repercussions soon after. They are crying and fighting each other.

So here again, something unpleasant, and probably disturbing, and I'm bound to hate myself after I post it.
-- TW (language) --
I have a very strange relationship with ICr. Often I feel disgusted by myself because of this relationship. I think, sometimes, I am seeking ICr's venom. I am secretly waiting, hoping for its punishment, because it will hurt, and I will feel relieved afterwards due to the contrast. For that brief moment right after its full power over me, I will be allowed a second to breathe without feeling too much guilt or shame. And sometimes, I think I am going after the hurt alone. There's no excuse to explain it. I want to feel pain because I want to feel something. It disgusts me. I disgust me.

I haven't done that in a while, but tonight I'm scared that this bad old habit will come back. I have a feeling that I'm secretly creating an excuse for ICr to attack. In the past few days when ICr is mostly hiding in the dark, I notice that its counter part, OCr came out, fully blasting. I feel disconnected from both the external world and internal, in a very repulsive way; I feel repelled by the world surrounding me and whatever resides in the same body. I want to cleanse my inside if there's a way. I feel dirty, sweat clinging to the inside walls. And I project that to everyone around me, for every simple action they do, for every word they say, for every side glance they cast and every reasonable request they make. I stopped talking. I minimized my interaction with people to the extent that I am rude now. I shut off in front of M and found excuses to avoid talking to her. I want to hide, to run away, to somewhere really safe, safe from both people and myself.

I suppose this is just another type of EF, except I don't know what I am flashing back into. The other ones, the ones that are genuinely humiliating and belittling, are easier to understand, because I know where they come from; I have memories that will not only explain, but also "match" the flashback I have emotionally. But this, feeling dirty, and feeling both enraged and scared, I don't know what it is. I have no memory from the past to help me understand why it hits me like this.

So I'm afraid that out of fear, I would seek help from ICr again, to let it do its pure shaming exercise, because if it is just one emotion I feel it would be easier to deal with. I think it's easier to feel depressed and threatened than to feel this "all way mutual rejection", that I reject everyone, everything ,and myself.

-- TW ends --

Pete Walker did mention that OCr will come out more if ICr is being shrunk, and it takes practice to shrink both. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of hating, hating myself, hating other people for things they didn't do wrong. I don't want to be angry or happy. I just want to be at peace with what I can have right now, which is a lot already. It's so much that I already have, and I can't bring myself to appreciate it. I think tonight, I'll try to cry. Maybe ICr will be a bit gentle when it finds me again. Maybe I'll slip into dreams easier this way. I'm sorry I keep doing the same thing over and over again.

[sanmagic7]

camille, no need to apologize for being who you are, ever.  not here.  we accept you, pos., neg., and everywhere in between.  you are working thru all this right now, and writing it courageously, even when you're afraid or uncertain.  that's what i call progress.

you let it out, and you let it be without deleting it.  that's progress, sweetie.  this process is full of big and small steps, and letting your post stand was a big step.  you will get to where you want to go, step by step.   you just showed that you have what it takes.  will it be perfect all the time?  nope - none of us can lay claim to that.  will it be messy at times?  yep - we've all been there, done that.

ICr begins shrinking?  that's because you are showing it who's boss, and it ain't ICr.  OCr will shrink in time as well.  be patient with yourself.  none of us have done this all at once.  as blueberry says, rome wasn't built in a day.  take your time - it's your recovery to do with the best you can.  you're ok in my book.  warm, loving hug to you. 

[camille13512]

Thank you, San. I did think about deleting partially the posts again. Your reply stopped that idea. 
Maybe I am rushing it, because I don't feel progress at all. Feelings come back to where I always stand, just maybe in a different light now. I wonder if it is a good idea to have much hope, such as having the mess diminishing in size. It might be too much to ask for. Instead, maybe I should focus on how to come into terms with what I am now, that things are just going to be the same but maybe I'll finally accept it. In the end, this is an injury, right? Some part is missing, broken, and simply cannot be erased or fixed.

I know it sounds off-putting and depressing, but I am contemplating it as a genuine question. T told me once that sometimes to have hope is to give it up first. She kept saying "let go". I'm not entirely sure what exactly she wants me to let go. My defense mechanism? My search for trustworthiness in people I don't trust? Or just this "self" I created out of thin air to fill up the container that is still functioning?

The holiday season is here. We are having small and bigger celebrations at the work-place, nothing fancy, just people chilling together, trying to relax a bit. I am never good with social instances like this, but the tenderness and happiness in the air are getting a bit hard to deal with. Everyone is going back home, to someone. I know it's selfish and sick for me to be this much resentful when I see the excitement on people's face. It's a signal that I'm detached, that I don't belong. T will also take a month off, so I'm all on my own now. Here is the only place I can talk.

[sanmagic7]

yes, it is an injury, and healing takes place in steps, fits and starts.  i think the idea that you are seeing things in a different light is a step, is progress.   any kinds of changes can be a step, no matter how small it may seem.  they count, camille.  they all count - they're movement, and that's what recovery is all about, to my mind.

let go - well, that can mean different things for different people or situations.   we can let go of fighting what is and accept it instead, if fighting it hasn't gotten us to where we want to go. 

we can let go of trying to change things that are out of our control, like the behaviors and beliefs of others.  they have their own perspective of the world, based on their own experiences.  we can't change that.

we can let go of beliefs that do us harm, and begin bringing into ourselves messages that help us feel better about ourselves. 

lots of stuff we can let go of.  i think the main goal in recovery is to recover our 'selves', who we really are instead of who we were told we were.  when i think of babies, they knew they belonged, were deserving of nurturing, kindness, and love and all the other things that would help them survive in a positive manner.  those baby beliefs are part of our true selves, in my book. 

ICr, OC, neg. beliefs about ourselves - those are all things we can let go of.  not all at once, no, that would be too overwhelming.  but, little by little, step by step, our own pace, our own time.  it's a goal to strive for, no?  and, that's where our hope could lie. 

big hug to you, sweetie, full of care, comfort, clarity, and love.

[DecimalRocket]

It's okay to feel badly about other people sometimes. We're human, and it takes incredible effort to be patient with everyone. Especially when you're hurting inside. I think being sick of people like that is a sign that you need to prioritize yourself first, and to heal. The more people are healed and can take care of themselves, the more they'll naturally have compassion for other people.

I had times like that too. Where I hated everyone. Where I was angry and envious of others all the time. I hated myself for it, but well, it took time. It took time to change mentally and emotionally, and I wish I knew that I was still worth love and respect as a human being back then. And I believe you do Camille. You're trying your best after all.

Take care. 

[camille13512]

Thank you, San. I have been slacking off in fighting back ICr and OCr. But I think it's time for me to get back on track again. At times I write down positive things I don't even believe myself, but later on when I look back, they help me pull out of the mud I'm sinking in. So I think I will try to do that more often. I haven't let anything go yet. They are subconscious defense or trained thoughts now, stitched into my mind. I don't think I am ready to pull them out; the pain is unbearable. I'm not ready to let the defense down either. The only thing I am trying to do is to not feel bad when I have the defense up, to not chase after myself when I try to protect myself in startled state. I'm taking it very slowly because it reverses back so easily.

Decimal, I realize my anger is toward the abusers, the system that destroyed not only me but so many lovely people I knew, and I couldn't channel the anger anywhere so for the short burst I lashed it out on anyone within my reach. Now I know where it comes from, I think I'm a bit more level-headed to direct it. But no guarantee. I think if I did anything wrong or hurt anyone on the road, I would still need to acknowledge it and apologize it, if I ever get the chance. There could also be damages made that cannot be fixed any more; the people that have been pushed too far away by me won't come back again, and I can't blame them. Hopefully, hopefully, that I will still get myself, the part of me that is still innocent to stay with me.

Hug you both back.

[camille13512]

In the first entry of this journal, I said I did not remember much from childhood. Later I realized that was not entirely true. I have many, many vivid memories, and I refuse to look back at them. I talked about F briefly because he is actually the easiest one to talk about. I blocked him out since I was little, so there was some kind of numbness that protected me when I conjured the memories.

I'm still not ready to share all the rest of the story, the darkest chapter. I tried before, and no one believed me. I trust people won't judge me here, but I have a feeling that maybe it's my way of telling things, maybe just how horrified I sound when I describe things, that it turns out to seem more exaggerated than truthful to an outsider, especially if the outsider never saw anything like it before. But if I don't write this down, then I will always reverse back to the place I start with: I don't have a problem; it's all in my head; I did not suffer, I did not suffer enough.

So I'll try again, here. It's going to be lengthy, so I break them down into smaller posts; the trigger warning will continue till I finish this chapter.

-- TW (languge, physical abuse, emotional abuse) --

It started in day-care. I had teachers who shouted at us, slapped us, pinched us in the arm. We had to take a nap at noon every day, and even if many of us were awake during that time, we weren't allowed to leave the bed or use the restroom. The teachers walked around, checking if we were pretending to sleep. If we forgot to go to the restroom before the nap time and then requested it, the teacher would take that kid outside and punish her/him by yelling or hitting. So I had to hold my bladder and my breath when I sensed someone was standing behind me while I faked my sleep. I could feel how their eyes were fixed on my back. I heard their steps stalled behind me, then there was the uneasy silence, as if they were assessing whether I was asleep or not. I would wait until the steps faded and then adjusted my pose a little bit to not draw them back. There was one time I threw up on the bed, and I was forced to eat that back.

And there was the constant shaming. I watched in horror how other kids got shamed, being called "useless, wasteful, stupid, retarded, disrespectful, unworthy". That's when the fawning response got a full development before I reached age of five. I would do anything for the teacher to just avoid being shamed or hit in the public. I was the lap-dog, too scared to say no. It was all about survival since day one.

[camille13512]

-- TW cont. (languge, physical abuse, emotional abuse) --

This continued to high school. By fawning I was able to get away with a lot of the physical punishment when I got older, but emotional wise it never got better. The teacher would roll up the paper/book to hit my head and scold me until I started crying, that's when she actually said she was "satisfied that I recognized my fault", and used my crying as a example for other kids to "learn from". We were encouraged to spy on each other, report each other. There was a dooming atmosphere in the classroom where we knew we were being watched all the time. Whispering to the person next seat, scribbling on the notes, spacing out, shaking legs, looking out of the window, didn't know how to answer a question when being asked, smiling at a friend - anything could be an excuse for the teacher to explode and lash out on us. As a child I often got sick and muted; it annoyed the teachers that I could only produce hiss sound when asked to speak. I was punished for "disrespect" and stood for the rest period of the class while everyone remained seated and watched me.

The funniest part was that I was also bullied often because the kids thought I was favored by the teacher. I fawned on the teachers so often to get away with physical abuse that the rest of them thought I had special treatment. My best friend was a girl who was also bullied. The two of us would get together, drew down the people who hurt us (adults and kids) using chalks on the ground and stepped on those figures. It was our way to find some relief.

Physical pain was never the worst. I was pushed to the ground. They stripped my clothes. When the teacher condemned bullying half-heartedly in the classroom, they accused me to be the perpertrator, saying that I was "laughing at them". The boy next door used to threaten to rape me. To be frank, nothing extreme ever happened to me physically (or at least I don't remember things like that). It was all just scratches and small bruises at most, so if I did not say a word (I didn't), M wouldn't even find out. What really shook me was not what happened, but rather what could have happened. I was so overpowered that even though most of the threats never took place, I knew that there was nothing that could prevent them from happening. I got to live a semi-normal life because I was somehow spared. I did not survive. They let me live.