Angry outbursts

[LivingwithCPTSD]

Hi all I am new to here you can call me Joe.

I am diagnosed with CPTSD and have a number of symptoms that impact my life and need to know if other people have had issues with controlling your emotions (anger) this particularly comes out when I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed, cornered or in a positioned where I feel I am being abandoned. usually in relationships. I am not violent towards people but I have urges and usually end up hitting a wall slamming a door and then locking myself in a room crying accompanied by feelings of self hatred and wanting to end my life. Alcohol does not help and exacerbates it, but it happens often when alcohol isn't involved.

A little bit about my trauma.

- Violence in household as child, alcoholism etc.
- Spent time on streets and incarcerated as a youth. In and out of detoxes, treatment centres, jail etc. I was using drugs and had multiple suicide attempts but never with the intent to die, still to this day I'm unsure why I did that, I also self harmed.
- I lived a very high risk lifestyle and experienced a lot of violence on the streets.
- Spent a long time in solitary confinement while incarcerated (I was a teenager)
- Got my life together in my early 20's and started working as a first responder. Exposed to a lot of continual trauma death etc through that work. I am considered to be a high achiever and high functioning individual but I constantly feel like I'm drowning.
- I still continue to struggle with substance use (alcohol and pot) Sometimes when my depression hits I contemplate using hard drugs again but I never do.
- People do not know about this side of me, only my partners and close supports. I present as "normal" in public and at work. Which makes it difficult and isolating in a weird way.

I am going to be seeing a psychiatrist and a counsellor but it would be helpful to hear that I am not alone and any tips in controlling these outbursts and my emotions. Also is it possibly to ever fully recover from trauma?

[Three Roses]

Hello and a big welcome to you, LivingwithCPTSD! Yes, there's tons of hope, there are many newer therapies out there than there used to be, and some people even report feeling recovered from CPTSD.

Have you heard of Pete Walker? His book "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" is considered indispensable by many of us here. Walker describes for different "types" - fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. He calls these the 4Fs and you can read more about them here - http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

I strongly identify with the fight type, and go thru exactly what you've described. Being a 60ish year old female may diminish my capacity for causing holes in walls and such, but it doesn't diminish the inner turmoil I experience in an emotional flashback (EF).

Walker also uses the word "narcissistic" when describing the fight type, and I don't know why - but I know I'm not a narcissist. I'm not sure why he uses this word and it bothers me.

Take your time and have a look around here, ask questions, jump into existing threads, whatever feels right. I'm glad you're here! 

[rbswan]

Welcome!  This is a great place to find identification and support.  It sounds like you have started down the right track and I also highly recommend Pete Walker's CPTSD book and his other book The Tao of Fully Feeling.  I too have struggled with alcoholism and have been in recovery for 8 years.  I didn't start to get any relief until I started working on my C-PTSD in therapy a few years ago and found this forum.  I see my story nearly every day here and have found so many resources.  This website has so much information in addition to this great forum. 

You are not alone LivingwithCPTSD.  I was, am, a very high functioning person who suffers from CPTSD and no one at work has any idea.  I had so much anger for so long that I didn't think it would ever get better.  For me, I needed a safe place to grieve and anger and guidance on how to do it.  I found a great therapist and a great weekly group therapy to get out all my repressed rage and grief.  The Pete Walker books added insight and depth to my work.  Practicing self care for me was very difficult for a long time.  I'm glad you are here and hope you find some hope and support.

[Rainagain]

Hello Joe
You are not alone in having trouble controlling anger, I have the same difficulty.
I also find alcohol makes things worse.

The anger was the thing that worried me the most as it is such an obvious loss of control.

After reading your thread I looked at Pete walkers website mentioned by 3 roses and picked up on some stuff that is relevant to my ways of reacting to things.

There are a lot of pieces of the puzzle on this site, have a good look round as finding them really helps me to understand what parts of my thoughts and behaviour are due to cptsd.

I think the more you understand the more you will be able to prevent losing control, it changes behaviour from being a reflex into being something you have a more of a choice about.

I wish you well.

[ah]

Welcome 

I can definitely identify with it too, I can get very angry. I can go from zero to absolute rage in a split second when I feel threatened, with nothing in between. You are absolutely not alone.

I'm not sure how to control these outbursts directly, when they happen they're so fast and I'm reacting out of pure habit. But it helps a lot to try to calm myself down in between outbursts.
Reading about the brain helps me make sense of it, I'm reading "The body keeps the score" by Dr. Van Der Kolk right now.

Pete Walker's book about c-ptsd is excellent too, as is his first book "The tao of feeling".

I totally agree with Three Roses about Pete Walker's use of the word "narcissistic", it bothers me too. Narcissistic are the people who hurt me. All of the fight/flight responses stem from the same place, after all. Fight is less socially acceptable, we pay high prices for it and we're judged harshly for it (first and foremost by ourselves), but it can feel just as helpless as any other fear reaction.
But fight does feel more foreign to me, and I feel self hatred when I feel angry, like you. I immediately feel unbearable shame that leads to self hatred. I've noticed that when I'm able to recognize the shame as I'm feeling a strong wave of it, self hatred can weaken.
One other book that helps me think of it is "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw.

Btw, I can totally understand your career of choice. I did it for a number of years, I felt safe and most alive there, ironically. I was being useful so I felt less shame, I had protocols to follow and my familiarity with fear, adrenaline and emotional roller coasters turned into an advantage. It was also incredibly satisfying, on the days I helped someone I felt alive, but it took its toll.
I can totally imagine what it feels like.