DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[sanmagic7]

monty python is one of my favorites of all time - have been into them since the 70's.  totally hilarious - i used to do the 'ann elk' skit with a friend of mine.  i was ann elk.  love all their movies - holy grail, i nearly split my sides laughing, my girlfriend nearly choked on her popcorn, literally. 

jay and silent bob affect me the same way - completely inappropriate humor but i love it to bits.  all the kevin smith movies, actually.  absolutely fabulous was another show that was so over the top, and i ate it up.  anything that can make me laugh out loud is aces in my book.

looks like we have some enjoyment of humor in common, d.r.

glad you're feeling better.  warm hug to you.  stay well.

[DecimalRocket]

  You have good taste in comedy, San.   

....

I've worked on my conflict dealing skills lately. Probably why I've been gone from my journal for a bit since stepping up in real life emotionally exhausts me to open up in here. Me and my mom have actually been peacefully compromising lately.

I also found that I can persuade people in other areas —like convincing the head teacher to give us students the wifi password. Second, getting groupmates in class to place a controversial argument in our group essay. Third, making some progress on convincing my dad to convince my grandma not to abuse other people in the house.

Huh? I'm actually fairly good at this. I guess reading all those random business negotiation and philosophy books for no practical reason growing up before did something. I even made a joke with a teacher that I could sit on a table by arguing philosophically that the table is a chair.

Why am I good at it? I guess one, I'm pretty good at logical arguments — adults taught little kid me could grow up to be a lawyer. Second, unlike then, I now give off a very nonthreatening vibe to people that makes it easy to trust and agree with me. For some reason no matter how many social mistakes I make, I come off completely well intentioned.

I've turned from bully magnet to nice people magnet. How'd that happen?

Human beings continue to be a mystery — including myself.

Well, I guess I need a break.

[sanmagic7]

humans are a mystery, d.r.  even tho they are my field of interest, i don't understand most of the why and how of them.

you made me laugh about my choice of humor.  thanks.  always good for the day.

i'm so glad to hear how your negotiating skills are making it easier for you to live in your home.  well done.

i'm tired now, too.  too much fun yesterday, i'm still feeling the effects.  that also makes it difficult for me to do too much responding/posting here. 

keep up the good work.  i believe learning, as you have done, whether random or otherwise, might always come in handy at some time in our lives.   sending  a warm hug filled with love and continued knowledge.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks San for the praise and love. 

Sorry, but I always feel a little ashamed to be seen in a good light to be honest — I feel suspicious that maybe I'm a fraud who'll be proved wrong someday or if I wasn't, any progress would attract envy or resentment. I'm not as good as doing than I am thinking after all — I'm too much of a coward to apply what I know sometimes.

....
Possible TW***

I woke up from a nightmare. I usually don't mention my nightmares since I don't usually remember them. All I know is that I wake up feeling deeply stressed and scared for some reason.

I was in a ship lying down on a twin sized bed. The bedroom's walls were ripped apart from the side, and the water's waves were rising. I'd hope and beg in my mind that the water wouldn't reach me. I remember some flicker of feeling like I was being haunted by the ghosts of the seas.

I woke up remembering being a child in the bedroom. No one soothed me from the monsters in the dark. I remember feeling everyday like I was a very bad child, and that would mean all the monsters would kill me for making the adults angry.

It's good that it's day where I am. The night wouldn't be a pleasant time to remember.

[sanmagic7]

i've often felt like a fraud, too, d.r., that the praise i get will someday turn to ashes because i'll be shown wrong in the worst way.  i have been envied and jealous of, even by someone who was once a dear friend.  also by my sister.  those, i can rationally see now, are because of their own issues.

my hub has had the same reaction from his best friend.  he and i used to talk about how uncomfortable it was to be envied by these people, even for things such as our personalities, how we got along with people, how we'd attract people, how we had something they didn't have.

what they did have was bitterness in their hearts, unhappiness with themselves and their lives, and a hatred of some sort inside.  it didn't leave much room for being happy for others who were happy or enjoying their lives.  very sad, indeed.  needless to say, i've eliminated these people from my life.  my best friend - we'd been friends for 20 years.  i couldn't stand her attitude toward me anymore. 

sorry about the nightmare.  there seems to be several i've read of here.  they are not pleasant in the least.

you, d.r., in my eyes, anyway, are making a lot of progress.  you're not as good at doing cuz you haven't had a lot of practice yet.  you also haven't had role models (no adults comforted you when you were afraid), so you're learning of such things was stunted.  i still struggle with that with my own daughter at times.  less now than before.

earth mother spirit spreads her voluminous skirts to gather you in and keep you safe from those monsters.  loving embrace coming your way.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey San, don't know how to respond to that now. I just feel . . . wordless.

What's wrong at this very moment?
1. I'm afraid of the mundane, of losing curiosity more than any other positive emotion.
2. I feel awkward in this body where I can't shift genders according to my mood.
3. Recovering feels like I'm losing an essential part of myself. I thought recovery was a good thing, but slowly losing insecurities lead to a deep confusion in my life.
4. Turning 17 on April. Growing up is too fast.
5. I just feel . . . empty for some reason. Like something is missing or my emotions are dulled somehow.
6. I don't agree with the feeling, but I want to fit in but even if I can adapt to some interests, so many of my more unpopular interests - the ones I often like the most - has too many people I can't share it with.
7.  I dislike that my senses are too sensitive sometimes.
8. Life is . . . I have no idea. That's the point.

[Sceal]

 

I haven't read your previous post, I'm sorry for that. I'll try and check in on it later.

But I wanted to address something in your last post. You want to fit in, and at the same time doesn't agree with the feeling.
Oh, man how I relate! People liking stuff just because other people liked it and it was popular bothered me to no end, in my teens. And it still sort of does.(I no longer have a problem with liking something that's popular, as long as I/you like it because of a reason and not because others like it - if that makes sense?). I had, and still do I suppose, have interests that lie outside what everyone else seem to have.
But to fit in, that is something human. It's part of evolution, and it's part of our psychological makeup. Evolution because if we stood out or wandered apart from the pack/became an outcast we had a much higher chance of NOT surviving. Psychological makeup, because we need others. For their support, for their love, for their approval, but just as much to give all that in return.
I suspect that you will find the group where you do fit in, where you don't have to make adjustments to who you are to please them. It might be something unexpected, and something you weren't counting on. But you will find it. Because, even if your curiosity is fading, it's still there.

Emotions, like most things in life, is apparently something we have to work for. Sometimes they come to us unexpected and (definitively) unwanted. But they all have a purpose, they are all there to protect us and signal us about danger from somewhere. We just have to locate the danger and eliminate it. Easier said than done, I know. (I'm picturing anime characters in my head now, being all awesome and powerful at eliminating stuff, and yet wonderfully awkward at the same time).

You are strong though. You have an extra burden to carry with you for the next  few years, and it's the hormonal changes in your body. I remember I hated to admit I was in puberty, and what effect it did have on me. But it is an extra challenge to go through trauma recovery, and finding your way in that tumultous time of life. I hope you can recognize that, and allow yourself some breathing room.

The only thing that is constant in life, is that everything changes all the time.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Just wanted you to know I answered your question about the book by Janina Fisher - so do have a look - I know I sometimes miss replies to my queries or posts, and I didn't want you to miss it.   
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you, Sceal. When I felt stressed today, I repeated your words in my head and calmed down.    You're a great person.

Hope, I saw it. Thanks for that too.

Well, I feel like I'm out of words these days on posting on this forum. I guess it's because there are some good things happening in my life, and for some reason, I'm ashamed to share them. I feel like I'm bragging, wasting people's time with something unimportant or being arrogant. There always seem to be this part of me that gets guilty whenever I accomplish or gain something good. Even some kind of survivor's guilt when many other lives are much worse than mine. Other times I just feel like I'm lying to myself or that I don't really deserve much attention.

Logically, I know I need it. I didn't grow up with enough encouragement and it helps me to boost my confidence when someone else does so. But sigh, sometimes I just feel too sensitive and dependent on people here. Intellectually, I feel way beyond my peers. Emotionally, I just feel embarrassed and self conscious that I worry about things like fitting in or the responsibility that comes with growing up. Knowledge calms me down, and experience adds to knowledge. Seeing myself having less experience than well, majority of people being older on this forum, is . . . awkward. I feel immature. . . and vulnerable. Very vulnerable.

[Sceal]

  I am so happy that I could help you, Rocket.

I too feel similar to what you wrote, about when there are good things  happening. It feels wrong to "rub it in" when there are people who are currently struggling here. But think of it like this, Rocket (that's how I try to anyway);
The people here really want you to have progress, and will cheer you on.
Positive emotions and events fosters more positive emotions and events. And by sharing your experience, you can bring hope to someone who's struggling with similar stuff that you're going through. Or by sharing your point of view, it might help others explore point of views that is helpful to them.
And even when something good is happening we all still need a sense of belonging, comfort, safety, and reassurance.
I currently find my newfound progression very fragile, and I do need to write down and share my observations, fears, worries, and excitement.

You are young yes, but in that you have a resource. The older we get, the more rigid we become in our thinking. More locked into our ways. You bring alot of various points of view that are very interessting. And your experience is just as valid and important as those of us who has lived longer.

For the most of my life I've always had older friends, and it's given me a different viewpoint than those of my peers. And now I'm suddenly at the point where alot of my new aquintances are younger than me. It's a weird experience, but valuable.

[sanmagic7]

i echo what sceal said, d.r.  your accomplishments are worthy of praise, as are all of ours.  we didn't get a lot of it along the way, and we all know what that feels like.  but the people here are very generous, i've found, and enjoy giving gifts to others here, such as praise, encouragement, love, hugs, validation, and acceptance, to name a few.

you are valued here, d.r., for who you are, period.  that you have accomplished something positive is a worthwhile addition to your life and this community, to my mind.  share it, keep it, whatever feels best to you.  i'm very happy that something wonderful has happened to you or because of you.  you deserve it.  warm loving hug to you.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I just want to say that I hadn't realised how young you are - I think I saw you mention your age, and I had assumed from things you write and how your express yourself that you were older - more 'mature' - so I wanted to say that to you - because I saw you write that you feel 'immature' - you express such a wealth of really amazing  things - I think so - and I hope you recognise that whilst you may be young in years, you're perceived by me as a person with a lot of wisdom.
I hope you don't mind my saying that.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you all.  Too stressed to respond well, but you comforted me deeply.

I have to tell you guys a secret I've been hiding even before OOTS. I'm too frustrated to hide it anymore.

I remember after reading something, I placed my finger next to different parts of my body and kept circling a finger with a speed according to the subtle pressure I felt in the air.

I noticed that when I moved my hand to my body, it trembled slightly more than if I moved it outwards — as if some kind of energy was there. As I explored this, I noticed parts of my body were the subtle pressure was lacking, and I would place my hands on it to visualize a white light entering it.

Whenever I did this, my body would shake and after, the tension, emotions and memories from that area would release. It would make me ache badly for a bit, but it would later bring relief.

Later on, I noticed doing this to different parts of the body healed emotions in different areas of life. Thinking I was crazy for trying to do so, I studied the chakras — energies in specific parts in the body — and noticed that its particular healing effects was consistent with each area before I knew about it. Reiki worked.

In a site called Actualized.org, Leo explains a critique about skepticism in science — that the problem is that most skeptics only think and research their way to their skepticism, not experiment first hand too. I tried it myself to find new ways to heal, and he . . . was right.

I researched symptoms of insanity, and I didn't fit it. I've learned over 50 cognitive biases — common logical prejudices and possible explanations— and my experiments on this didn't fit any of these biases or possibilites. I've retested it with different variables, and it still points to it working.

Even now as I explored these areas further, I still doubt myself. Even if I didn't admit it, I wanted some kind of all knowing guide to tell me the answers in life, but even the status quo of science can't be fully trusted.

I hesitate to speak about the details of other experiments. Some seemed false, some seemed true and for most, I don't know. You might call me crazy. . . but I'm thinking maybe the supernatural exists.

[LearnToLoveTheRide]

The supernatural does exist...it is the natural that we have not explained yet. Over the millennia we have gained and lost much knowledge about the natural. It is by the impetus of people's desire to understand the world that we discover and understand nature.

It takes an attitude of open-mindedness and an engagement in direct experimentation to further our understanding of nature.

As you've witnessed, the rewards are self-evident. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with us.

LTLTR

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks LTLTR. I don't know you well, yet you've done something great for me.

No other replies, huh? I guess people think I'm crazy after all. I'm getting used to it though — believing things barely anyone else does. Not just about the above — but in every area of my life. I can disagree gently at home, school, online and in public even if no one else believes so, and I still have people who accept me.

Usually I get emotional if there aren't enough replies, but I don't seem to mind anymore. I know what I've seen, and I know it's one of the main reasons why even at this age, insights come so easily.

I remember reading 1984 about a dystopian future back when I was 15. Near the end, the main character gets tortured to believe what the government says. Even ideas like 1 + 2 = 4 or even they can make history "change" by making everyone believe a new past.

I realized they were able to do this not just because they changed his ideas of what was true, but the foundations of what makes something true. His definition of reality — of objective truth. I wanted to find a good way to test these ideas, and I've found a potential gap in the research.

It may not be all supernatural causes and be entirely unknown conventional ones. When a child says fairies made the computer, it doesn't mean the computer doesn't work.

Like how meditation used to be seen as "too new agey", but is now backed by brain scans and hundreds of scientific experiments. The traditional and secular viewpoints can disagree on its nature, but they do agree that it works.

I have no idea. I can be wrong.

Oh well. I don't mind being "crazy" anymore — To me, I'm not crazy enough.

Why am I willing to do all this?

My motivation hasn't changed at all.

I'm just curious.