I'm ready to leave him

[achilles]

I'm ready to do it.  I'm going to go no-contact.  I hit the tipping point where the pain of staying is greater than the fear of missing him.

I'm sorry I didn't post here for a while, I was collecting myself and thinking about what I want my future to be like.  And sadly, I felt like I had no future, like my life is over.  I have no joy. 

I want to live again.  I can't take anymore cruelty.  I'm not on this earth to suffer, that is not the purpose of my life.  I will not have my friends and family remember me as someone who gave up her life to be someone's punching bag.

Thank you for listening, I greatly appreciate the support. 

[Kizzie]

Here and rooting for you Achilles     and 

[sanmagic7]

i understand how difficult it is to come to such a decision, having done it with several people in my life.  i totally agree with the balance, when the scales tip too far in the direction of abuse, that's when i knew it was time to go.  you absolutely deserve a life of kindness and caring.  sending you a hug filled with encouragement and strength.  you go!

[Dee]

I found I couldn't heal from anything if I was in an abusive relationship.  I struggled for a long time, but I'm doing better these days.  Through it all I never once regretted my decision.  It feels like such a relief that it is over.  It isn't easy to do, takes courage, but a step in taking care of yourself.

[Sceal]

Sending you warm thoughts and strength through this!

[helliepig]

[achilles]

Thank you everybody  .

It's been two days.  I'm not feeling good right now - reeling under the weight of the abuse, flashbacks - but I recognize that running back won't help me.  He won't help me.  He has nothing but abuse to offer. 

So I'm just letting myself feel what I feel.  I keep having these disturbing, sickening memories of my mom.  My ex is seriously just like my mom, and now I can't stand to talk to either of them.  I feel nauseous and like I want to throw up at the thought of it.  Both of them made me feel worthless and unlovable. 

People who see your love and kindness as weakness, and use it to hurt you, are disgusting.  I feel so betrayed.  I can't imagine ever feeling "good" again. 

[Blueberry]

  It's hard, but stick with it. We're rooting for you!

[Blueberry]

I found I couldn't heal from anything if I was in an abusive relationship.  I struggled for a long time, but I'm doing better these days. 

It took me a long time to realise that "abusive relationship" also refers to FOO. Some members of FOO seemed to understand and seemed to change. But they haven't. I'm only just now finally getting it, finally removing myself emotionally from FOO. Though physically long gone. Without that I cannot heal. Even friends can be abusive, even friends with CPTSD diagnosis. I was so angry last night I couldn't sleep.

[achilles]

I've been choosing to stay silent, no explanation, just radio silence.  Here's what I wish I could say, but I won't.  I don't want to engage, I don't want to invite more wrath, more argument.  Just the act of writing this was helpful.  --

You poisoned every aspect of my life.  You are a manipulative abuser.  All you want is to control me, make me obey you and never question you.  You are pernicious and disgusting.  I poured out my love to you.  I gave you all I had to give.  And you never cared.  It never mattered to you. 

You have no idea how much pain you caused.  I did not choose to have this pain.  It’s YOU.  YOU did this.  You leave nothing but a path of destruction in your wake, a legacy of pain for anyone who ever loved you.  You are incapable of having a healthy relationship, and you’re doomed to repeat this pattern if you don’t get therapy for it.

I gave everything I had, and you acted like I gave you nothing.  Instead of kindness, you showed me cruelty.  Every cruel act, every time you refused to be compassionate, was a betrayal that eroded my self-esteem.  You poisoned my own mind against me.  You are as much an abuser now as you ever were. 

I can’t sleep.  I have horrible nightmares, I wake up constantly, I wake up in tears, shaking with inadequacy, with fear, with anxiety, the knowledge that you never cared.  That I never mattered to you.  All I wanted was your kindness, your love.  You made me beg for it, and still you refused to show me any compassion.  And then you blamed me for it.  For asking for too much.  You gave me crumbs, and I was happy to get even that because a scrap of your love was better than nothing.  Are you proud of yourself for this?

Kindness is always the answer.  Cruelty never works.  It didn’t work nine years ago, and it won’t work now.  You destroyed me.  You abused me, manipulated me, toyed with my emotions.  You used me.  Chewed me up and spit me out.  I feel worse now than I ever did in my life.  How could I ever have believed you would change.  You are a cruel monster.  So cruel.  You told me that I chose to be hurt, and it wasn’t your responsibility.  But then you said I made you feel like an abuser.  So which is it?  You don’t have any responsibility for my emotions, but I have responsibility for yours? 

In any case, if you didn’t want to feel like an abuser, then you shouldn’t act like one.  Simple as that.  The truth is, you are an abuser.  And I suspect you always will be.  But I won’t be your victim.  You will have to find someone else to destroy with your toxic poison.

[achilles]

When does it start to feel better? 

Since I have the day off, today I watched a bunch of videos and read articles on abuse recovery.  I cried literally all day long.  I'm so exhausted, didn't eat anything today, haven't showered in 4 days.  I keep ruminating and obsessing. 

It hurts so much.  I need the pain to go away.  Earlier this week I bumped my head on a cabinet, and the shock of the pain stunned me out of the emotional pain for a minute and I was so relieved, so happy, to not feel the emptiness and desolation for a brief moment.  I can't stop crying, even in public.  I can hardly function and part of me wants to go to the hospital just so they can sedate me for a while so I don't have to feel.  I don't know how I'm going to survive this.  When will the pain end?  I'm not one for self-medicating with alcohol, but it's looking like a good option right now.  I need some relief, I can't go on like this. 

At least I don't want to talk to him, so that's a plus.  But the pain...the anguish, despair, when will it end?

[Eyessoblue]

Omg you're so brave I need to do this but can't, too scared of the consequences.

[Kizzie]

Maybe getting some support - a group and/or a T would help Achilles. It's good that you're coming here, but face-to-face human support and validation can be quite powerful, especially given you have layers of abuse (your M and ex) coming to the surface. 

[sanmagic7]

it does take time and support helps for this to feel better.  you took such a huge step and are overwhelmed by the pain right now.  i hope you find some help for this period, this pain you're going thru.  big hug filled with soothing compassion.

[helliepig]

It does get better, honest.