Called the domestic violencr hotline after breaking down and throwing up

[barbidoll]

Well for the second time I have been shamed for refusing to do a family session with my son's Dad who is verbally and psychologically abusing me but hey let me put aside MY feelings.  I called to talk to her after my son's father decided he would keep our son longer without even consulting me but yeah let me put aside my feelings. And oh yeah he told me he was going to kill me but let me put aside my feelings. He textex me this morning about a hospital bill he says he is going to tell his insurance not to pay but you know got to put aside those feelings. And I need to put them aside even after the emails where he is continuing his threats and trying to give me an ultimatum to give him full custody. You know because I shouldn't have any feelings about a man who harasses me, threatens me and talks bad about me to out kid.  What kind of therapist would say that kind of thing?  Why do I have to feel like the bad guy for trying to say this man is using our kid against me?!   I never imagined in my life that I would be told by a therapist to put aside my fear of someone as if it's wrong of me to feel an emotion he engineered in me.  I want to cuss. I want to yell. I want to make a complaint against this woman for ever saying something like that to a domestic violence victim.   Yes she is there for my son. So if I try to report that I can't set a boundary for my safety with his father out of fear shouldn't that be concerning to her? I felt so hopeless after that call.  I actually started to think that I would have to reliquish custody of my son to have peace of mind.  GREAT therapist there! 

[Dee]

Is it possible for you to drop off a letter and explain how you feel?  Do you have a neutral therapist that you could potentially work with and feel supported with in a family session?  Just ideas.  You have rights over what therapist you and your son see.  I feel it is important that you find support and not be shamed into something you are not comfortable with.  Haven't we had enough of that?

I'm glad you took care of yourself and called.  I am also glad you were able to set difficult boundaries even in adversity.  That would be hard for anyone to do.

[Three Roses]

My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with your ex. I want you to know, I hear you and understand the pain. Standing with you in spirit, warrior sister!

[barbidoll]

I am still looking for someone for myself. This lady doesn't really help my faith that someone is going to understand what I am going through. My son won't be seeing this therapist much longer but I just felt so beaten down by her. I was trying to explain my concerns and she is like well your son reported he is happy.  I really want to ask her, "So I am supposed to let this man trample all over my boundaries so my son can report he is happy while he is losing respect for me everyday?"  I just wanted her to keep an eye on him for any conflicting emotions or if he says something that sounds off.  I felt like this woman was hostile towards me too.   i tried to explain to her that he has my son in his care and was harassing me today so I was terrified of replying and I was also terrified of not replying. She wasn't very understanding and cut me off. Basically told me I needed to put aside my feelings because my son is reporting he is happy spending time with his father. Yeah my son is enjoying all the expensive toys Dad buys him.  Sorry I feel very much like Dad is buying his loyalty and I don't have a chance because I don't have that kind of money and even I did I think there should he limits.  So while he is buying all this stuff for him he is also giving me ultimatums about giving him full custody and putting little things in his head against me.  The therapist sais something about have I noticed my relationship changing with my son. Yeah he came home angry at me over something Dad said to him about me twice. He used to come home and talk it out with me when Dad did these things.  We would talk about how those things bothered him. Now he comes back automatically assuming I am terrible for these things.  Yes my relationship is changing with him when my son throws a tantrum in a store because I didn't buy him four dollar mints. You know my son actually told me he felt guilty for lying about me to Dad in order to agree with his bashing of me. But yeah I am terrible for wanting to protect myself from a guy who is so consumed by his anger that he would say things to our son about me that hurt him.
  I have had enough shaming to last ten lifetimes.  I am stunned that a therapist would behave that way.  If I was an capital B word I would make a report on this therapist to her supervisor. Somehow I don't think that when someone is trying to tell a therapist about domestic violence that their response should respond that dismissively or ignore those concerns.  And I did say he is abusive but she still was rude and dismissive.  I think I even said he threatened to kill me at one point. 
  At least the lady on the Domestic Violence Hotline was nice. I bawled my eyes out to her.  She helped me feel less hopeless but I am still worried that I will not be heard when I try to speak up about this stuff. 
 
   

[Blueberry]

I'm glad you took care of yourself and called.  I am also glad you were able to set difficult boundaries even in adversity.  That would be hard for anyone to do.

I'm also glad you took care of yourself by posting on here afterwards. At least you get to express here for now, even if other places will hopefully come later.

[barbidoll]

I am so glad I found here. I have been holding stuff in for so long.  Now I struggle with holding it in. 
  I don't know the world seems so wacky and insane lately to me.  I used to believe more in the system's ability to protect me. I have always been a major supporter of therapy and any mental health help. Now I wonder who can I trust? I also wonder really how far have we come as far as domestic violence.  I keep thinking about this movie based off a true story from the '80's about a woman named Tracy Thurman.  The cops did nothing to protect her and eventually her ex ends up brutalizing her while a cop takes his time to get there and then when he does takes his time in arresting him. There was a time I thought that we had come further than this. I don't think so anymore. When I called the police whem my ex said he was going to kill me and I knew he was on his way over it took the cops four hours to get here. 
   Anyway thanks guys for hearing me out. I feel so alone and I worry if I just let all this out to others they will just be bothered or think I have lost my mind.  I can't keep holding it all in.

[Andyman73]

barbidoll, unfortunately you're gonna have to scream louder to be heard. I would report her to her manager, and maybe even consider reporting her to the medical board. I don't know if you have child services involved with your son or not, but that may be worth considering. Same with lawyer you used in divorce.
Maybe talk with dv counselor more.

I completely believe you. Know why? I'm a man. That's why. Wife has everyone believing I'm the abusive one in our marriage.  Even those that know me enough to know that it just doesn't sound like me. But nobody believes men are victims of DV too. Or SA/R also.  But the counselor at the dv shelter believed me. And t believes me. I don't think it matters...society doesn't accept men like me.

[barbidoll]

I believe you Andy because I know intimately how these people work.  Also I have been verbally abused by an ex-abuser and his wife. I fondly think of it as tag team abuse. It sucks to feel not believed or not heard.  At times it even feels like these people are reinforcing the abuse. 
  I am thinking about making the complaint when my son is out of the program. Usually I wouldn't but I felt so invalidated and shamed by someone who is supposed to know better.  I wonder how many others she has made to feel that way.

[Andyman73]

I believe you Andy because I know intimately how these people work.  Also I have been verbally abused by an ex-abuser and his wife. I fondly think of it as tag team abuse. It sucks to feel not believed or not heard.  At times it even feels like these people are reinforcing the abuse. 
  I am thinking about making the complaint when my son is out of the program. Usually I wouldn't but I felt so invalidated and shamed by someone who is supposed to know better.  I wonder how many others she has made to feel that way.

Thank you, Barbidoll. When I told my t at the Veteran's Hospital...he was floored. Mostly because he was shocked I told him at all. In his 30 plus years of working there...less than a dozen male Marine Veterans ever mentioned even being verbally abused at home, by their wives. Not sure if I told him all that she's done to me...I know I mentioned some of the SA. I don't remember if I said that she has hit me over a thousand times over the past 20 years.  And mental, emotional, verbal...and pretty much every form of DV there is.

Yeah...that person....needs to be officially reprimanded, and removed from any kind of therapy/counseling roles.
Sitting with you, dear Barbidoll. Safe  if okay.

[barbidoll]

I have always believed that it had to be harder for men to report in these kind of situations because men are often expected to be tough and unemotional. Which is kind of crazy when you think about it because often anger seems to be an acceptable emotion for men to have.  Anger is an emotion so doesn't that make men "emotional"? Anyway it's crazy if your in a profession that requires you to listen and you don't listen. 
  My son is being discharged from that program today. Going to figure out how to make a complaint. The therapist called earlier all sickeningly sweet and I just didn't mention any of my concerns my son told me yesterday because I didn't think she would listen and since my son is struggling with speaking out about the things that distress him I am going to have to find a way and a therapist who can help him feel comfortable enough to talk about it.  He had a nightmare over the weekend that Dad kicked him out which left him afraid to sleep and he waited days to tell even me.

[Andyman73]

Yeah, seems like a "catch-22" situation. But here's something funny too. Consider how often you hear women say that they want a guy who is in touch with their feelings/emotions. Which is the opposite of what society tells us that we have to be. You know, the strong silent types. And what we see and experience is different than both.

That pretty much ensured I would never have spoken up for myself about the DV abuse from my wife.  If I did, society would label me weak. So I stayed strong and silent and was continuously abused by her for many years. Men as victims of any kind of abuse aren't allowed to exist.  Except as adult survivors of child abuse.
Even at church yesterday, pastor mentioned the #metoo movement, only said one thing, abuse of women and children must stop.  My own pastor doesn't even believe men are victims. Guess I won't ever be talking to him about it. 
Not sure how to make a complaint. I'm sure they must have their own in-house process for that. Wish you all the best with that.

[barbidoll]

My older son tends to be the sensitive type.  I worry that others might be able to convince him to be something he is not because of it.  He recently cut his hair short after telling me for a long time that he  prefered it longer. I know he was distressed that people kept assuming he was a girl.   He often says to me how he doesn't want to speak up because he does not want to hurt others feelings.
   It is a shame your pastor doesn't recognize that men can be victims too.  Maybe he needs to be educated that men can be too.  Any victim of domestic violence should feel they can speak up and be believed.

[sanmagic7]

barbidoll, that t absolutely deserves to be written up, and it has nothing to do with you being a gritch or any other word you might use about yourself.  what she did was wrong, plain and simple.  there was no compassion shown, no respect for your boundaries, and certainly a very narrow perspective on the big picture that's going on.

i get that once again your ex came out looking like the good guy, and your son is being reduced to lying in order for his father to retain that image.  i've been there.  i had an ex like that, so i relate completely.  our t at the time (a woman) was also a woman-hater (i heard that from several people, including other professionals) so in her eyes my ex could do no wrong.  she even took to blaming me for his addictions.

anyway, i totally relate to your predicament, and my heart is with you.  what a scuzzbucket!  sorry, i just came up with something to yell that i could write here!

and, andy, i totally believe you, and my heart is with you as well.  this notion that men should feel shame about being abused, or that they can't be victims of dv or sexual assault is bullsquirt, too.  ugh!  i am sick to death of these prejudices.

sending hugs to both of you filled with strength and love. 

[Andyman73]

Barbidoll,
Just want to let you know I'm still here sitting with you.

sanmagic7,
I started reading Lundy Bancroft's book about abusive men, called "why does he do that". Hoping I may learn something about my wife's behaviours. But I triggered a booby-trap. IN chapter 2 of the book, it goes over the myths of abusive men. Number 14 is the myth "women abuse men just as often as men do them". Which is utter nonsense. I would believe 0.1% of women do...or one out of every one thousand, compared to what ever, the much much higher, number of men do. I think who ever came up with that myth, was lumping in women who abuse children...which is a completely different dynamic, and has nothing to do with DV based partner abuse. 

He goes on to say...Where are the abused men? What shelters are the hiding in? Why haven't we seen them by now?  He says that they are rare, so, while he believes they exist, he's not seen or heard of one. Even Sasquatch is more visible.

And at the end of that myth explaination he goes on to say that men  can be abused by other men. 

Hey Lundy..here I am!!! Can you see me now???  Even my wife never made me feel this bad, when blaming/shaming me for the abuse she knows about, and for what she's done to me.