I think my last abuser just contacted me...

[Sceal]

I am not sure where to post this.

For once I was having a productive day. I wrote down a list of things I need to/want to get done by the end of the day. Someone reminded me that writing down lists makes it more productive. And it felt like that until...

My phone beeped. (I normally have my phone on vibrate only. But I'm having the timer on, and I need to hear it when it goes off)
I go over and check it, and it's a text message from an unknown number. It's innocent in it's nature. It only says "Hi, are you doing alright?" I am panicking. I looked the number up online on yellowpages and other phone-number pages, but nothing. The number is reserved. I have no way of knowing who this person is other than reaching out and asking who this person is.

I am terrified it's my last abuser. I blocked one of his numbers. I should have blocked him, and not deleted him from my phone. If it is him, I don't want to reach out and ask who he is. Then I am opening the channel of communication. And I don't know how to say "no, leave me the fu* alone" without being agressive, or raising questions. I don't know how to deal with this.

I am angry. I was on my way out of depression. Things were falling into routine, even if it's still really hard. and then this. Who is it? And is it safe? Am I safe? What do I do?

I am getting a new phone by christmas. I am going to change my phone number now. I can't continue like this. Maybe I should just change phone number now...

[Contessa]

Sceal I understand. That feeling of dread...

I would have done all those things you did too. Blocking rather than deleting does contribute to greater ease of mind for me.

My tactic from this point would be not to reply at all. The text is far too vague. Either the person will not contact you again, or they may try again and may give you a little more of a clue as to who they are. That's also a psychological game that would be incredibly stressful.

If you are sure the people who you do want contact with you, will still be able to contact you, then changing your number may just be the way to go.

Weigh up the options, but I would be interested to know what others think too

[Blueberry]

Sceal, I understand too. I would be panicking myself.

I wouldn't respond. That way you're looking after you and not taking care of the other person and their feelings.  If it is somebody and something innocent, they might well get back to you again with a bit more detail so you know who they are. Best err on the safe side for you.

Good that you're angry though. Anger helps us set limits and stick to them.

[Sceal]

Thank you Contessa and Blueberry.

After I wrote here I called the psychiatric clinic I belong to. My psychologist is away on vacation this week, and the group leader I prefer talking to is also away. But I got to talk to the other group leader. She calmed me down quite alot. She gave me the same advice as you two : Do not answer.
And she reminded me, like you did, that I am allowed to take care of my own needs first. She also suggested quite a few mindfulness tasks and other things I could do to lessen the intensity of my fear.

It was terrifying though. I hid in the storage room. I was shaking on the floor. But eventually I got back up and I've been cleaning the appartment. No studying though. But cleaning does 3 things.
1)I get distracted and I use up my anger-energy
2) It gets clean
3) My allergies will feel much better once I am done.

it turns out it was false alarm this time though. It was an aquintance who had changed phone number. He messaged me after a few hours of me not replying, telling me who he was. But the fear is real. It is still real that one day He will contact me again, and even worse be outside my door. And then I wouldn't know what to do. I am so paralyzed by that fear.

[Lingurine]

Sceal, from a younger age, we’ve learned not to listen to or trust our instincts. Now, we have to listen, and intuitively feel we’re right. This feeling you have, being scared, is only logical after abuse. Chances are, your abuser will try to do some hoovering. Maybe it helps when you make a list of what ifs.

What would I do when he turns up at my door.
What would I do when I see him in the street/when he calls

So you know what to do and feel empowered.


Lingurine

[Contessa]

Going to PM you Sceal...

[Sceal]

Thank you Contessa, I've replied you.

Hi Lingurine,
My T suggested we do some roleplay so I can get used to and find responces I can use when and if they come knocking. But I felt so uncomfortable I refused.
I could try and make a list though. I can start there.

[Contessa]

Got it Sceal