I get stuck...

[barbidoll]

So today I went and looked online to see what I can find as far as places to get help. So I saw this one hospital that does free evaluations. My first thought was what I might do with my kids because it could take awhile. Then I thought, "What if they don't let me go?" And then my heart starts pounding and I can feel the tension and I am thinking I can't afford to be hospitalized.  I just can't. And yeah that stopped me from doing anything else.  I know that they would have to believe I am a danger to myself or others to hold me against my will but the fear was so overwhelming, "What if?"  Gah I hate this. Why is it so hard just to do something that simple?

[Sceal]

Asking for and getting help is not a simple thing to do.
It require alot of strength. The first step is looking for it. Is there someone who can look after your children when you go in for an assessment?
It's like you say, they can't commit you against your will unless you're a danger to yourself and/or others.
Maybe you can think about it a few days, not rush into it. But getting help to heal, will also benefit your children. Maybe you can try and look at it that way, if that will help you?

It is scary, I know. Remember to breathe.

[barbidoll]

No I don't have anyone to watch them. Two of them are old enough to be at home for awhile but the three year old is not. My older one is old enough to babysit but due to her anxiety I just don't think she can handle the little one. 
  I know me getting help will benefit the little ones but I am so scared that getting help can and will be used against me.  One of my kids fathers recently went so far to threaten me with court, cps and making sure I would never get a job as a teacher which is what I was going to school for before my world crashed.   I have had cps calles on me multiple times by another and he even threatend it when I would not agree to back down from a child support review. Oh he also likes to call cops. He calls them on me, his wife and our 14 year old daughter.   I have had to change my thinking fro what do I think is best to can this be used against me if CPS is called.  Of course CPS won't help when I call about my concerns. I used to believe CPS was a good thing, now I think it is nothing more than a tool for a man to harass his ex.
  I want to get help though. I am just so afraid that I could lose my kids or even beinf told I am wrong. 
  I am going to keep looking and I am going to find something I just hate how paralyzed my fear can make me feel. I hate that decisions are so hard because one minute I feel confident in it and the next my mind is going on and on about about how that could be the wrong decision.  A year ago someone td me to apply for disability for my daughter but I still haven't done it because what if it is the wrong decision?  I had another friend suggest I apply for both me and my daughter and while I was talking to her I felt okay I can do this and then those thoughts started.  My head is just a mess.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're still forced to have to deal with your ex. While you're trying to work out a plan for healing, I hope you hang out here and talk to us.  Feel free to jump into threads to ask questions, okay? We're here for you!