Feeling like life around me isn't real sometimes

[samantha19]

One of the scariest symtoms of my mental illness recently has been feeling detached from the world around me, just from life really. I don't even entirely know how to describe it, I just feel a bit outside of it.
Like, I know I can feel different from this and involved in life - thinking about my current life, friends, goals - just feeling involved. But a lot of the time, especially recently, I just don't feel connected.
I want to feel connected again. I'm not sure how to fix this. I probably just really need therapy. I'm planning to get it at some point.
I think this is maybe like dissociation. I am feeling very anxious and on edge recently - my sleep has been disrupted a lot and I'm jumpy over little things - like recently a tap dripping and also having intense panic over lights flickering. So I can see that maybe with all my stress / anxiety recently it might make sense for me to dissociate.
It's just quite intense, not really feeling like me - like I do things but I almost feel like I'm watching myself / outside of myself a little bit. Being around other people mostly works as a distraction but it doesn't necessarily connect me again.
Is this a thing people experience? It's really scary tbh. Any way to deal with it, or do I just need to properly start healing from trauma altogether to fix these things?
It feels like life isn't real to me sometimes and that's scary because that feels like losing control to me - like my perception of reality is obviously falling apart a little bit. It's like there's a part of me that's doubting the reality of life or something. It's scaring me and I'm aware that it's a shame to ruin my life like this, in a sense. I want to be more present and feel things and feel like an active participant in my life. Cause I think I've been like this for quite a while, I don't want to feel like I'm not really living much of my life - cause my consciousness isn't so present in it.
I do remember it stopping when I started anti depressants a while back, but I'm quite uncomfortable with medication personally :/ idk. Not sure what to do.
Something I'm trying to fix myself but not really sure how to.
Should really get proper psychiatric help if I can :/!!
Mindfulness / Bhuddist teachings helped for a bit recently, really helped!, but the other day I just got back like this again, and I don't really know how to fix it :/

Totally just rambling here.

[samantha19]

This site really helps. I read another post on here and it described exactly what I was feeling. I read something about you needing to come back into yourself / reintegrate. I done the sensory things - touch something nearby, look at things, that sort of thing. Then I started crying and realised I'm very upset about something that happened recently and scared of losing someone who means a lot to me.
I'm dealing with some really big things right now, so it's almost funny how in denial / dissociated I was. Like knowing I'm stressed / anxious but not entirely sure why, when there's something big and obvious going on in my life right now that would upset anyone. Now I know why. I feel a bit more real, still a bit detached but I see why now. Something to work on.

Better to feel sad than to not feel at all anyway.

[Sceal]

I dont know if its dissociating or not  (to be honest, i   grasped the meaning of that word).

But I can relate to feeling out of place, and viewing things from the outside. It really is a very difficult experience to try and describe! It doesnt happen so often to me anymore, and Ive never been able to figure out what causes it for me as it tended to happen at seemingly random times.

Though it does seem to be less of it these days.  And it might be because i am in less of denial than I used to be. Or maybe like you mentioned its reintergrating oneself.
I hope you find something that helps you.

[ah]

I feel the same nearly all the time.

I look at myself, at my life, and feel a jolt of "Huh? No way." like it isn't real, isn't mine, isn't me at all. It's a badly acted show that I'm watching from the outside, slightly distant from it. Not totally in it.

Sounds to me like we're both reliving one of the strongest survival mechanisms, I personally think for me at least it definitely is dissociation and depersonalization.

Yeah, it can very scary. I look at my reflection in the mirror when I brush my teeth and get pretty freaked out sometimes. Same when I stop doing something and just look down at my body and feel totally distanced from it. It's a body, not me.

The more I think of my past experiences of extreme abuse and terror and immediate life danger, it makes more and more sense that I'd now feel this way. It's heart breaking to think of us as kids learning to be so distant from ourselves to survive, but it does make sense. It was the best our body and mind could do to keep us a bit safer in impossibly terrifying situations.

Mindfulness and loving-kindness meditation really help me a lot too. They're my lifeline. I can't always do them, some days / weeks I'm too overwhelmed. But I always keep them nearby and always get back to them when I have enough strength for it. Ironically, we need strength to do the things that will empower us. Sigh. The art of running on empty...

You're definitely not alone. I'm here with you.
(Well... bits and pieces of me! )

Please write more, you're not rambling in the slightest (methinks), and it also helps me to know I'm not alone either. Seriously.

[samantha19]

Looking back Sceal, I agree - it seems being less in denial about things breaks you out of it massively. I've recently had a bit of a breakthrough, like I've started fully believing myself and accepting my memories and allowing myself to be really angry at how I was treated and see it as wrong. I honestly feel real, centered, like me again for the first time in God knows how long. It's not necessarily so pleasant though, being fully aware of the situation brings up a lot of issues - I now wish I could be no contact or low contact (with 1 parent) with boundaries respected (unlikely). I'm also now no longer distanced from the reality of my little brother living in that house, with them as who they are / were (probably still are). I feel like I've started properly grieving for all those years I lost, and that's a lot. I feel like my life got stolen away from me when I was still a child and now I'm an adult, and it's like I'm grieving for that child. But I feel pushed forward in a lot of ways too. It feels liberating. It's like I was in denial of myself and my own experiences and now I'm finally back?
I really feel like I've got a part of / a lot of me back. And that's f-ing awesome, and it's helping and I feel (mostly) real again holy heck yay! But that part of me is also really quite angry, scared and so so so hurt and upset.
Tbh though, there's some things I need to process. If not now, when? It takes time and I feel like I need to go from A to B on this one, actually process it, so I can move forward in some sense at least (and honour my own right to feel things fgs).

As a note: I think getting distance from my FOO, feeling safer in my present life (job security, nice flat, good friends) and allowing myself to journal, believe myself and be angry is largely what helped.

And thank you, Ah. It means a lot.
Yeah, it sucks. It really does.

All the best in your recoveries, both.

[Sceal]

I'm glad to hear that you've worked yourself to a breakthrough!  That's a lot of hard work behind that, so good job!
It's also great to hear that you're alot safer now in your present life. 

[Resca]

I'm dealing with some really big things right now, so it's almost funny how in denial / dissociated I was. Like knowing I'm stressed / anxious but not entirely sure why, when there's something big and obvious going on in my life right now that would upset anyone.

I still don't have a great handle on dissociation, but I think this is a big part of it. This idea that you know something big and/or painful is happening but - just given what you've been through - you cognitively push it off. It doesn't get rid of the issue or even the emotional and somatic reactions, but at least it's not at the forefront of your conscious mind which, in turn, makes it easier to deny. And we all know how big denial is in this circle. If the suffering is constant, then you have to constantly deny everything, right? It makes sense in a kind of backwards way.

I know the feeling, and it's awful. It feels like you're a liar or hypochondriac; a drama queen/king; a little self-absorbed or self-serving; maybe even a little crazy. How are you supposed to deal with the pain when you're not even 100% sure it should exist? But it exists all the same, and that just makes it all worse. I know how bad it is and I'm so, so sorry that you had to experience it. No one deserves to feel disconnected from life because there is just so much variety and joy available once you let yourself feel it, you know? (That's what they tell me anyway! )

With all that said, it's especially amazing that you were able to recognize what was happening and break through. It sounds like that took a lot of strength but it really paid off, and that's pretty *. Hopefully that breaking-through will slowly replace the dissociation as a habit so you don't have to worry as much about your mental health, in addition to everything else. Kuddos to you - genuinely. And thank you for helping me see that I'm not alone. I hope you know that you aren't either Stay strong.

[BlancaLap]

Is this a thing people experience? It's really scary tbh. Any way to deal with it, or do I just need to properly start healing from trauma altogether to fix these things? 

Yes, and yes, it is SUPER scary. The best way is to deal with trauma... but to deal with trauma you need to deal with dissociatio, that's how I see it. Sone sort of circle thing. Anyway, when I read your post, I could see myself in you. Hope you the best! (Sorry for my english)

[Resca]

Is this a thing people experience? It's really scary tbh. Any way to deal with it, or do I just need to properly start healing from trauma altogether to fix these things?

Yes, and yes, it is SUPER scary. The best way is to deal with trauma... but to deal with trauma you need to deal with dissociatio, that's how I see it. Sone sort of circle thing. Anyway, when I read your post, I could see myself in you. Hope you the best! (Sorry for my english)

I've experienced it a few times, myself, and read a few OotS threads about this and similar experiences, so I do think it's pretty common for those of us with trauma. I agree with what samantha says in her original post: that psychiatric assistance and mindfulness can't help with the symptoms. Trying to fight through dissociation can be challenging by yourself because you lose a bit of that personal perspective; psychiatrist and trained to help you work through that.

I think you're spot on, Blanca, when you say that you have to deal with dissociation to deal with trauma, but I'd also argue that the opposite is true as well. The two are so tied up together that dealing with only one is totally impossible. Just as an example, samantha had to start to grieve her trauma to feel more connected - which, way to go, samantha But it's also possible that getting that deeply in touch with you feelings and memories could trigger a trauma response, which then has to be dealt with. I guess what it comes down to is that you are a whole person, trauma, dissociation, hopes, wishes for yourself, all in one package, so you have to deal with it all, you know? And that's why help is so important; it's a big job.

I wish you luck and strength in your journey, Blanca.

[BlancaLap]

Thanks, I wish you too good luck!