Under new management

[JamesG]

My big thing right now seems to be accepting that I'm in control, something I know many of you will understand. Despite the fact that I've walked away from the causes of my C-PTSD, I still feel like they are here, pulling the levers and holding me back. It's deep subconscious stuff and I realised yesterday just how deep it went. These people were not just interfering in my life - demanding to be in control at a microscopic level, they were also crap at it. I know this, I knoiw this... I KNOW this, but still it lingers like a bad smell. Somehow I just can't get deep enough into my programming to switch this effect off and it just maddens me. Perhaps its because I know I am being willed to fail now I am out that is eating me up. I know that my ex and my brother NEED me to hit the wall to reconcile their own confused identities, plus my business partner is driven half mad by my writing. Seems my existance alone is enough to enrage them now. I think it's partly down to the fact that the fatigue and confusion of the raging dissacociation is making me feel like I'm doomed to screw up at times, it's certainly making me feel vulnerable to attack. It's a bitter pill to swallow after escaping my trap to find that I'm poleaxed by these symptoms at a time I most need my wits about me. But it is what it is. Lots of work ahead unravelling this junk. Hey ho.

[Three Roses]

Rebuilding our interior landscape is possible, I believe. It takes time tho. I believe you'll come through this a stronger and more compassionate person. I read your responses to others here and see how compassionate you really are. You're a gift to this forum. 

[JamesG]

thanks you

I just get so cross at the way we've all been treated. I boil

If I could I'd get you all in bus and we'd just drive til we were all safe and we'd mend. Til then, I'm gonna do what I can in here.

[Rainagain]

The bus idea made me smile, all aboard the magic bus, where shall we go?

I'm humming 'national express' by divine comedy.....we could all sing along to it on our journey.

'Take the national express, when your life's in a mess, it will set you free'

Jamesg, that is inspired, I will drive if you like, though I did crash my car drunk last week, maybe I should just serve the tea?

[barbidoll]

How do you handle it if you don't feel in control? I am still subject to the whims of two of my abusers because I have children with them.  When I left I thought it was enough for me to put that distance to protect me.  I didn't think my children would be used to further harass and control me and since I am a people pleaser and not good at setting boundaries I continued to sucked into their insanity. I have set some boundaries in the past couple of years but I know I need to go further. I am struggling I guess with my duty to maintain their relationships with their fathers and my duty to protect all of us. I want my power back but I don't feel like I am allowed to say this sick person has hurt(emotionally and psychologically) and terrified me and are working on our children now as well.  I know that if I felt I had a choice I would not send my kids into these environments but the courts and society says a bad father is better than no father.

[JamesG]

My heart goes out to you Barbidoll, that's a bad roll of the dice. As always I would reccoemend Spartan life coach on youtube, he gave me a lot of weaponry when I most needed it. Learning to decondition our responses to this kind of abuse is 50% of the fight. Narcicists are cowards tho, breaking from the behaviour they expect can stop them cold, but it takes a huge amount of strength and guts to do it. It can take time to warm up to but it's going to happen, your desire for change is already fuelling that reversal. I wish you all the best in this journey, but I don't doubt you will get there for a second. Right will win in the end.