Missing my family and doing it tough

[JMK]

(possible trigger warning)
I am new to this group, but have been viewing the posts for a while before I got the courage to join and share. I realise now how important it is to have like-minded people who actually understand what it is like living with complex trauma. I apologise in advance for the big rant, but I have no-one else who I can talk to. I have recently had to write down my life in a document to justify a permanent disability insurance claim. With Father's Day fast approaching, I am really feeling alone (compounded by opening old wounds)... My Dad passed away in 2013, only a couple of days after I was discharged from hospital after trying to take my own life - I often wonder if the stress of my situation added to his heart attack.

I remember as a young child I was 'daddy's girl' and he and I shared a really special relationship. Maybe it was because of this, that my narcissistic mother spent many years trying to tell me how bad/mean/hurtful my father was to her to get me to give her sympathy... as my Dad worked away a lot in the AirForce, it was up to Mum to do most of the parenting (brainwashing) and I was soon feeling really sorry for my mother, and from the age of 10, I took over the cooking, cleaning, housework, ironing and looking after my little brother so that my mother could spend extra time at work as well as the late afternoon sleeping before my dad got home - but it was made to look like it was her doing all the work. She says she was so tired all the time because of my father 'draining her energy'. I do remember many nights waking up late in the night to hear them arguing (mainly about us kids and money issues) so naturally assumed everything she said was truth.

Anyway, just prior to my hospitalisation, I stared remembering suppressed memories including those of my older brother (9 yrs older than me) sexually assaulting me until the age of 7 (when he moved out) every time he had to look after us kids when mum was out. I also began to piece together stories that mum had told when I was younger that didn't add up - I soon learned that she was lying through her teeth to make my Dad look bad, having affairs and gambling money. I felt betrayed by her because she was doing this while my brother was causing me harm. It was also the reason she was working extra hours when I was older and looking after the house; not to mention the bad-mouthing she did about my Dad to turn me against him was unforgivable. They eventually separated the year after I moved out at 16 - but her attitude towards him only got worse - foolishly, I believed most of what she said and my Dad and I drifted apart for a while.

But my Dad persisted with keeping in contact and I started to realise that he was not the man my mum painted him as, so my Dad and I spent the previous 15 years before his death getting our relationship together again and I finally realised whilst in hospital that I didn't need any more of my mother's interference in my life and I realised I was finally able to have an unconditional relationship with my Dad for the first time in my life - it gave me inspiration to get well.

He saw me often in hospital and we talked on the phone every second day (of a 1 month stay), but a week before I was due to get out, he had a minor heart attack and had to go to hospital himself (1 hour away). we still spoke on the phone daily and made a pact to both be well enough to celebrate my b/day on the coming Saturday. I got out on the Wednesday, but was too ill still to travel; on the Friday my father had a massive heart attack but was resuscitated and in a coma... Unfortunately we had to turn his life support off 5 days later - I was there when he took his last breath.
A year after that, my marriage broke down and I was staying with my older brother (& his family) when he physically assaulted me - that's when it came out about his earlier assaults. My mum (who I've only spoken too once) said that he had owned up to it, but said it only happened once (not!)- she couldn't see the problem with that? My younger brother stood up for him and hasn't spoken to me since. So I have none of my immediate family left.

I miss my Dad every day and am really struggling trying to keep it together so my kids can celebrate their father's day without a sad-sack mum........Is anyone else in the same position? Is it ok for me to visit Dad's grave on father's day? My husband (ex) is a really good man, he is also my carer and looks after the kids, and I share a house with him and the kids; he let me move back in to another room, when I got really ill with CPTSD so I didn't miss out on things with the kids. I don't want to 'abandon' him on his special day, and I don't want to ask him to look after the kids while I travel (3hr return to the grave) to see my Dad. I feel so alone....

Please help.

[Candid]

Welcome to our forum, JMK!

I have recently had to write down my life in a document to justify a permanent disability insurance claim.

It's interesting how helpful those diabolical forms can turn out to be.

I'm so sorry about your dad.     I think you and I might be alike, in that I was my mother's scapegoat and my father was her secondary scapegoat, the one she blamed -- and got us to blame -- for all the craziness she created.  Strikes me as a common dynamic: narcissistic mother loads the gun and hands it to enabling father to shoot it.

my Dad and I spent the previous 15 years before his death getting our relationship together again...

I'm glad you and he had that.  You know he loved you.  That's yours for ever.

Your older brother's actions and your mother's judgment ... words fail.

Your husband (ex) sounds like a good man to have on your team.  Would you consider asking him to accompany you and the kids on father's day?  Or NOT visiting the grave (your dad is in your head and heart), instead making it about your ex and the kids you two have?

You're not alone, JMK.  This is a very caring community and you'll find a lot of support here.