Wow, looking at my last few days

[Dee]

So when I consider how bad my last week was I can realize that without CPTSD I may have been able to handle it better.  First, I got the call to go to court and started falling apart.  I didn't eat for a few days, thought I would rather die (and contemplated it), felt like a child wanting to hide.  I know that would be hard for anyone, but I think they may have handled it much better.  I knew I was in the right, but I felt so wrong.  I felt like I was bad, it was all my fault, and I felt evil.

Then court happened.  I sat there and shook the entire time, my voice quivered, I was an emotional wreck.  Once it was over a normal person would have felt better.  I didn't, I felt worse.  I self harmed, considered suicide.  Thought that I had no value and I would be blamed, regardless.  Thought about all the times I won and lost so badly.  Thought about as a kid winning cost me my family and my home.  Thought about how much I hate all men (no offense to guys, sorry).  Thought about the rest of my life alone.  Honestly, and I was holding back, even here, having my kids under the same roof saved me.  Telling myself I can't ruin their future as they are preparing to leave.

Today, I am finally coming out of it.  BUT, it was rough.  I thought I would never get out of it.  I spiraled and spiraled and spiraled.  I can only look back and think wow.

[Three Roses]

I am so glad you're still here, dear friend. You're important to us

[texannurse]

Dee,
Glad that you made it through. You are stronger than you think 

Texannurse

[fullofsoundandfury]

You'd be surprised how poorly people without CPTSD cope with things like court, or any majorly stressful situation. They actually have very poor coping skills, use bizarre defense mechanisms, and use manipulative tactics on themselves and others to survive it. That is not their fault - we are not taught psychological or emotional intelligence. People without CPTSD are a mishmash of defense mechanisms, denial and egoic structures just like we are. The difference is, we suffer more, we have less barriers and less places to hide inside. We don't have self-protectors who defend us from the onslaught of internal attacks. So we shake, our voice quivers, we want to die, we revert back to the powerless and hopelessness of being small victimised children.

Comparing ourselves to people without the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual injuries of CPTSD is inappropriate and unfair. In reality, with the amount of severe stress you've endured this past few days, you have actually excelled beyond the scope of many peoples' capacity.

Of course all of that would trigger you. It would trigger every single button any of us have. It's the perfect storm for flashbacks. It has all the unfortunately perfect elements to agitate every single core wound an abused child would have.  I hope you understand that your response is normal and you have not failed. I hope you can install a nurturing internal mother to soothe you. I am in awe of your strength and resilience, and that's the truth. Not just saying it to be nice 

It's the little girl inside you who is hurt. Can you treat yourself like you would a scared little girl?  She deserves love. None of this is her or your fault. None of it.

[Dee]

I so appreciate your replies and it helps me feel better.  Like I am not so crazy, I am cared for, and I belong.

Now I am working on pulling myself back together.  I slid back, but I have got to keep going.  I hope he can now respect the restraining order and I at least feel validated.  Not just this thread, but the support of this forum through a difficult time was incredible.  The understanding and the help identifying my physical and emotional response in relation to my history.

Today I spent less time thinking about it.  I did think of how much of an emotional wreck I was and how cool and collected he was.  I can at least realize that it shows his limited capacity for the gravity of the situation and the emotional distress he was inflicting on another person.  When I think about that I don't feel as bad as I did.  I can see he is disturbed.

[Deb]

Dear Dee, I totally empathise with these spirals you talked about. I have them too. They are really awful. Bug hugs on surviving it. Xx

[Dee]

Thank you, I am feeling better lately.  Hopefully, there won't be an new challenges.

[Blueberry]

Hopefully, there won't be an new challenges.

I hope that for you too, so much. You've had more than enough to deal with in the last months. Even strong people like you need a break sometimes.