Husband of a wife who dissociated needs help

joecooney2015 · July 01, 2017, 02:21:32 AM

Hello, my name is Joe, I'm 27 and married to the most incredible woman I know in my life, she is my best friend, and she also has C-PTSD. She has had a life long trauma cycle that ended when she met me, however it's coming up in the 6 year anniversary of her past relationship ending, and now this year, for whatever reason, she's become far worse than she was in the prior years, and it started happening immediately after our 5 year anniversary.

When she dissociates I don't know what to do. I want to help her, but when she starts to dissociate the last thing/person she wants is me and sticking around literally makes it a thousand times worse. She's so amazing, and smart but she hats and loathes herself for all the things that happened to her and the shame that is associated with it. She has text book hypervigilant anger, and suffers from constant depression (dysthymia) and has horrible experiences associated with treatment. As a husband, what can I do to descalate her dissociation and not push her further towards snapping even more? I'm a counselor, and I specialize with patients that have dual diagnoses (mental illness/substance abuse) but dissociation is so difficult to deal with when you are a spouse... I cannot IMAGINE what it is like for my poor wife... it's kills me to see her in so much, she at times begs me to help her end her life with she dissociates, saying how it would be better for everyone and we would get over the pain.... anything helps

Thanks - Joe

Dee · July 01, 2017, 04:49:54 AM

When I dissociate I need to ground. I have a card that I keep to help me follow the steps. I have all kinds of cards because when anxiety is high I can't remember on my own.

-The first thing I need to do is breathe. If my therapist is with me she walks me through deep breathing.
-Essential oils help me ground. When I dissociate citrus smells are the best. I use lavender for anxiety.
- I have to keep my feet on the ground and it helps to look at pictures and talk about them. Anything on the wall.
- Tapping my foot at the toe (not heal) slows things down.
- I also do 5,4,3,2,1 See 5 things, touch 4 things, hear 3 things, smell 2 things, taste 1 thing.

I like to tell myself (or be told) I am safe, I am and adult, I am in control, I can tolerate what is happening right now. I also keep laminated signs I made around the house. I have one to remind me to breathe

Unfortunately, this has been my day today. In the past I would of hurt myself to ground and this is helping me so much.

Kizzie · July 01, 2017, 07:04:41 PM

Joe, as Dee has suggested she has learned specific techniques to ground herself with the help of a professional. Perhaps this is what your wife needs? Would she consider this do you think?

joecooney2015 · July 01, 2017, 09:27:08 PM

She is in a very defeated state right now, that overwhelming feeling of holeplessness has a real strong hold on her and seriously struggles to see past the fog. I believe she would be open to learning how to ground herself, unfortunately I live in an area that has little access to therapeutic services beyond the one psych clinic we have in town, and I won't go there because the one time we actually went to the hospital and called a crisis counselor, they literally sent in a guy that made it far worse, one of the facilities counselors.

She has had horrible experiences with therapy and can be resistant as she is still struggling with the shame and guilt associated with her diagnoses (six months ago was when it was received. This is relatively new for her) and she doesn't believe it will help her and I know that's "Barbara" speaking (her dissociative side).

I know she can do this and I want to help her as much as I can, tho I struggle with he dissociations because of the anger. I'm bipolar type 2, so when her anger rises, my mood gets outta whack, and it ends up in a fight at times. I hate it so much, however I struggle to not be offended and take personal her dissociative side, and don't give her any space the breathe until I've pushed her too far. How do I handle that? What can I do for her/myself that would result in us not going down that road?

joecooney2015 · July 01, 2017, 09:29:12 PM

Quote from: Dee on July 01, 2017, 04:49:54 AM

When I dissociate I need to ground. I have a card that I keep to help me follow the steps. I have all kinds of cards because when anxiety is high I can't remember on my own.

-The first thing I need to do is breathe. If my therapist is with me she walks me through deep breathing.
-Essential oils help me ground. When I dissociate citrus smells are the best. I use lavender for anxiety.
- I have to keep my feet on the ground and it helps to look at pictures and talk about them. Anything on the wall.
- Tapping my foot at the toe (not heal) slows things down.
- I also do 5,4,3,2,1 See 5 things, touch 4 things, hear 3 things, smell 2 things, taste 1 thing.

I like to tell myself (or be told) I am safe, I am and adult, I am in control, I can tolerate what is happening right now. I also keep laminated signs I made around the house. I have one to remind me to breathe

Unfortunately, this has been my day today. In the past I would of hurt myself to ground and this is helping me so much.

Hang in there. Are there good resources/self help that could be helpful for learning about grounding?

Dee · July 01, 2017, 10:35:07 PM

I learned a lot because I went to an inpatient trauma program. However, they recommend a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills workbook. It is important to get the workbook. It teaches mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. I have not posted about it here, but should of. It really is a wonderful tool! A lot of what I learned inpatient is from DBT. It made a huge, huge difference for me.

Kat · July 01, 2017, 11:07:17 PM

Sorry to hear about all the pain you are both in. There's a workbook called Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon, et. al. that you might find useful. It's got "homework" exercises to perform and includes a lot of journaling. Maybe something to check out if you haven't already...

Dee · July 02, 2017, 02:24:58 AM

Thanks Kat, I will look into it for sure!

Kizzie · July 02, 2017, 07:03:35 PM

Joe, another suggestion might be to see if your wife would be interested in coming to this site? It can really help to know there are many, many people who deal with CPTSD, that you are not alone with the symptoms you experience, to get ideas on how to recover, and just begin to talk about things in a safe space where people get it.