Am I C-PTSD, BPD or just lazy and selfish?

[Lazyzboy]

Hi All,

I have extremely low self esteem, terrible self care, cant even clean my house the last few years. I have a few friends but don't date (26 year old male). Get severe anxiety, body dysmorhpia and it takes everything to just get through the day. I turned to alcohol at 32 years old as I wasn't getting any better, my friends were married with kids so I just gave up, holding a romantic relationship was pure pain.

I do have a good job, and got a bonus this year (one of only two workers) because of my output.

However, I was very lazy teenager and kept this going throughout adulthood even though I graduated university, nearly own my own home, have $25000 in savings however I'm still subtley put down by my family as in hearing:

you never stick to anything
lazy
your ungrateful
selfish
a parasite

My Dad told me he knew I was "weird" by about ten years old.

But also I was given a lot of things, my parents are very intelligent, my mum always encouraged me in things.

So I'm left with the question am I sick, crazy of lazy?

[Rain]

Hi Lazyzboy!   Welcome to the OOTS forum 

You know, after reading your post ...it sounds like you just did what both of your parents told you to do.    Humans do that.   Parents give them these mandates as children ...and you know what ...we go do it as adults.

Have HOPE though, and you can let go of the labels.   You can heal, recover ...and feel good about yourself.   Okay?

Before I forget, can you write a intro in the "Welcome and Please Introduce Yourself" section?   Easier to get to know you if we have some background.   (And wingnut and Brandy ...could you also do this?)   

To answer your question, you are none of the labels.   You are You.   Not what your parents said you were, even though you are "obeying" their mandate over these past years ...that is not, does NOT have to be your future.

Say, you may want to read the book I'm reading now, as it goes into a lot of what you brought up.   Running on Empty by Jonice Webb PhD.   I will write a review for OOTS soon, but you will find a lot of answers in the book.

Also, please visit Pete Walker's web site at www.pete-walker.com to learn more on CPTSD ...and all your "label questions"

You are recovering.    Not "sick, crazy or lazy" ...you are recovering.

Keep posting, and help others too on this Journey.

Rain   

[schrödinger's cat]

Hello LB, and welcome to OOTS. Some of what you write reminds me of my own past - I'm in my fourties now, but I felt more or less like you do when I was in my teens and twenties, and it was horrible. I've only begun to unravel it all recently. It's a very big thing to realize that someone's been bad for you. If we're slow to realize that we've been abused, that actually speaks for our ability to care for others and to believe the best of them.

Now, I'm re-reading the messages your family gives you. They're all of them abusive. Statements like "you never [do this]" or "you always [do that other thing]" make the other person feel devalued, pushed back, and judged unfairly. And those statements are usually false. No one is ALWAYS one thing or NEVER another thing. People are incredibly complex, and they change all the time. Telling someone that he NEVER does something always, always discounts evidence to the contrary.

-- lazy, ungrateful, selfish, weird, a parasite: That's Labelling, Judging, Criticizing, Name-Calling. It's verbal abuse. That last word - I honestly think that has to be one of the most toxic things any parent can say to their child. I'm sad that you have to live with this thought in your head. I've got kids of my own, and the mere thought that someone could say such a thing to a child or an adolescent makes my blood boil. You deserved to be protected from such messages. You deserved to have someone comfort you and tell you: "What he said wasn't okay and it isn't true."

For whatever reason, your family paints you as a selfish layabout even though there's evidence to the contrary, evidence that's staring them in the face and waving hello and jumping up and down to attract their attention. You've accumulated quite a few markers of social success. You graduated university. You've got a job. You've got a good job. You've got a good job and you've got a bonus in recognition of your work. You've saved up a lot of money. You nearly own a home. I'm a bit stumped - what more could you do? Own your own space station?

So I'm left with the question am I sick, crazy of lazy?

Or neither. The problem with these three words is, no matter which box you tick, it always makes you the problem. So let's put a few more choices on the table. Pick what's true and ignore the rest, these are just guesswork.

o   Your family was dysfunctional in a way, and your role was that of Scapegoat or Problem Child.

o   Your parents are workoholics. They need to work hard, to not take breaks, to rush through life, to be always stressed out. For them, it's a badge of honour. Or maybe they're busyholics: even when they're not at work, they pack their days full of projects and activities that end up looking like work. If there's a garden party, they can't help but man the grill, serve the food, organize the clean-up. Meanwhile, you're content to just sit and eat and chat, or to lie in a hammock and watch the clouds. You're not lazy, you're normal. You have an inner reservoir of natural Zen. You're able to be in the moment. You're able to enjoy life as it's happening. But for your parents, downtime/relaxation is something they must never let themselves have. It's forbidden. It's something they must ignore and criticize and push down and judge. They project all that on you. They call you "lazy" because that's how they label their own need for downtime. They call you "selfish" because that's how they label their own need for self-care. They judge and criticize and reject you because they judge and reject their own ignored needs.

o   Your parents grew up in families that were just like them, only worse: Duty was more important than kindliness, Work was more important than people. Or maybe they grew up poor, worked their way up, and have internalized a belief that only hard work and busy-ness will protect you from the * they came from.

o   Your family is full of Sensors and you're the lone Intuitive. Sensors do things sequentially: they finish each project before they start the next, and they do each project from start to finish. Intuitives often flit about like butterflies, hopping from project to project, abandoning projects that don't hold their interest. Which can be rather chaotic, and if you're depressed or lack energy, it can mean you're always starting new things and never getting anything done. The upside is (and THAT's what Sensors often ignore!): Intuitives are often highly creative, able to be interested in a wide variety of topics, able to see the potential in a wide range of things, able to come up with a ton of nifty ideas on the fly. AND our system CAN WORK. My mother is always absolutely baffled when I can do chores, download new mp3s, bake a cake AND edit a book more or less simultaneously. She always has this look on her face like she's thinking: "this should not work--!!" And I think: "and yet...!"

o   You're injured. Your family has emotionally and verbally abused you for such a long time, starting so incredibly early in your life. Emotional abuse erodes people's self-confidence, and it can cause anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, all kinds of things. If the abuse was centered around certain areas, we're often extremely hesitant to approach these areas afterwards. There's quite a few of us here who avoid doing chores, so you're not alone. You're recovering, like we all of us are, veeery slooowly most times, but still.

Those points are too general and a bit over the top - but they're simply just meant to provide alternatives. You'll know best if anything applies at all.

[Lazyzboy]

Wow Schrodingers Cat you were spot on with your post.

I've got a lot better in the last 6 months thanks to anti depressants.

I no longer talk to my family after them taking all the profits and equipment from a business myself and my brother started. I was falsely accused of physical violence against my brothers Wife by my brothers Wife (although completed fabricated) and have been completely vilified since then.

I'm the only one in my family who is not physically abusive interestingly.

While I was in the business I was punched (if I didn't answer his questions immediately), spat on and body slammed (surprise attack because he said I was giving him "lip") by my brother and my Dad also punched in the face (because I smoked a cigarette).

I thought about the Parasite criticism and thought of someone I really love and I would never call them a parasite (or hit them) I love them so much.

You are right my parents are busyholics, and I'm an intuitive I can literally lie on the couch and just think for hours! think about my friends, funny things that the have said, surfing, traveling. I'm a happy consummate procrastinator.

Thanks

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
Splitting up with the family members who were destroying was the best thing I ever did - it's been near 7 yrs now
It takes 7 yrs for every cell in the human body to regenerate
I feel I am regenerating

The messages I received still affect my brain at times and now I have tools to work with them

Addictions were my problem - today I am free of drugs alcohol and food addiction

I spent many yrs being 'lazy ' now I see it as low mood, protection, fear and cptsd. I've learnt it affects us physically as well as mentally/ emotionally
Now I take time to rest - probably more than the average person but I am ok with that today. Work a 4 day Wk and put my health and wellbeing ahead of anything else - rule no 1
Coming from where we come from takes time to mend - and lots of support
I'm also learning how to live more in the day and even have fun sometimes

Good to hear that u are hear and starting u journey of recovery
This forum has been a blessing
Best wishes