self-harm today TRIGGER WARNING

[Blueberry]

After I sent a payment reminder to a troublesome client and heard my email ping, I presumed it was this client replying and pointing out a mistake i.e. that she had paid. I reached up automatically and pulled a few hairs out.

I've written more about the incident under Employment, but the self-harm needs to go here.

I have worked a lot in T both inpatient and outpatient over the years on this type of self-injury, but without stopping much or for long. I know I'm self-punishing for making the teeniest mistake or for having conceivably made a larger one. But without any real evidence of the latter. It's more: there might have been a mistake here and it would have been me who made it because I'm the only one in the whole wide world who makes mistakes. For "whole wide world" read "FOO". And mistakes are unforgiveable, a question of total shame, sink to the floor in fact right through the floor into the basement kind of shame.

Just reached up again to my hair but realised it before pulling out. The reason: maybe I haven't written the whole picture in this post, maybe I haven't covered everything, maybe I haven't used the correct or even 100% best word every time, and also I've been writing based more on my emotions than any kind of logical thinking, so even more reason to think I could've made a mistake.

I have an appointment very soon, and it will do me good, so I'm stopping writing this and going.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, dear blueberry,

those foo messages about mistakes were punishment enough, in my opinion.  you've paid a thousand times over for not reaching their expectations for you to be perfect.  i sincerely hope you can put them in their place soon so that you can stop punishing yourself for being human. 

they didn't want you to be human, they wanted you to be maintenance-free.  i know that one, because i lived it.  they didn't want a child who needed to be gently taught that it's ok to make mistakes, whose mistakes were looked at and learned from in the most loving, caring way.  rather, your humanness, like mine, was denied in the worst way, through disapproval, non-acceptance, and punishments, both physical and psychological.

we carried those expectations with us, until we were out of their house, when we began punishing ourselves in their place.  i put myself in harm's way any number of times because my sense of being afraid in a healthy way had been excised.  i drank, used drugs, had casual sex without protection, took dangerous chances with people.  it was all a form of self-punishment for not being perfect, as i see it now.

pulling hair goes against my grain because in another life i was a hairdresser, so it hurts my heart when people do that, but i know that we each have our own ways to self-punish.  i'm glad you were able to stop yet another attempt while you were writing.   i hope your meeting goes well, and that you can eventually lay this form of self-punishment to rest.  you don't deserve it.  you're quite a lovely, wonderful person, even when you make mistakes.  so am i.  in fact, i'm not even going to go back over this post to see if i made any spelling/grammar errors, or if i said everything i wanted to say.  i've said enough for now.  it's hard, but we can do this.  big hug, blueberry.  let's go have a beverage on the porch.

[Blueberry]

sanmagic, your post moves me almost to tears, which is saying a lot at the moment.

Writing my own post helped me understand. As usual, I only figured out all the connections as I wrote. You understood so much just like that. I can and will take my realisations and some of what you wrote with me to therapy next time. "Gently taught" was not something done in my foo, nor really was anything "loving". But I do know that one way to heal from that is by being (or at least trying to be) loving and caring towards myself or if it's easier then with self-talk to inner children.

I actually have done quite a lot of that type of healing already. I used to be far worse in the way I harangued myself internally adn the viciousness with which I pulled out my hair. But there is more work to do.

I'm sad to say that you're writing that I'm a lovely, wonderful person doesn't quite resonate. I can feel tears behind my eyes as I write it out but foo's messages loom larger still. Maybe I should speak these words into a mirror till they sink a bit deeper. Yes, I could try that.

Thank you so much for caring I'm sorry you understand so much because you went through something similar. Yes, let's go sit on the porch.

[Lingurine]

Blueberry, it's okay, sometimes stress triggers and then you do something imperfect. 
That doesn't mean you aren't a wonderful person, it's just a thing you did in the moment. We didn't learn to cope with stress very well and suffer from wanting to be perfect. And then that moment of feeling overwhelmed disappears again. Hugs for you.


Lingurine

[Blueberry]

Thank you Lingurine.

For years I felt like a bad person, through and through right into the marrow of my bones. I remember a fellow patient asked me in a long-stay place why I believed I was so bad. I answered: "I just am."  I no longer think that, so that in itself is progress. But still a way to go to believe I'm good as I am or even wonderful. But thank you for telling me anyway, bit by little bit it does sink in. That I do know, I've experienced that over the years.

[silentrhino]

oh my blueberry I do this all the time too, do not do any more hurtful things today if you can help it.  Those days are over and you are a new shade of blue.

[Dee]

Blueberry,

I did not read the entire thread.  I can't concentrate today.  But I did want to say it isn't if we relapse, it is when we relapse.  It is what we do next.  You can beat this, we have ups and downs but we keep on keeping on.  Not quitting is what counts!

[Blueberry]

And another hair-pulling incident today. I'm working and was thinking about how to solve a small problem and just reached up automatically and pulled a hair out. After I pulled it out I suddenly knew which of the possibilities was the best one in this case. So next time I can tell myself: you know which solution is best without pulling hair out first!

Just in case anybody is wondering: some people in the past have suggested that pulling hair out isn't that bad, and that I especially shouldn't pay attention if I only pull one out, but in this case it is important because I realised the solution right afterwards. Not directly because I pulled a hair out but because I have the skills to solve these work-related problems. I just need to believe in that and give myself a small break, even just stretching my body for a few minutes if I feel stressed in any way at having to make a decision. Movement would probably help clear my head anyway and bring the best solution or at least a correct one to the front of my brain.

[Dee]

I'm sorry if hair pulling was minimized.  To me it sounds so hard.  I have had self harm issues but I can create obstacles to give me pause before I act.  It's hard to do that when it is right there.  I keep notes around myself reminding myself to breathe, to stop, and a few other things.  I use little chalk boards to write messages and just plain paper that I colored a stop sign on.  Is there anything you can keep near you to remind you to stop or breathe, hopefully before you reach up?  If you can create 3 seconds it will help.

[sanmagic7]

i love what dee said, about minimizing the hair-pulling.  i think minimizing any kind of self-harm is not ok.

i also love dee's suggestions for giving oneself those few seconds' time in order to break the automatic-ness of our self-harm cycle.  it speaks to mindfulness, keeping ourselves present in the present so that we are aware of what we are doing and when.

i think your realizations about your true skill level is remarkably wonderful for you.  look at that - you had the answer inside you all the time!  good for you for discovering it, acknowledging it.  that's what will keep you on a steadier path with this.  well done, blueberry, well done!  in my best tony the tiger voice, you're grrr-e-e-a-a-t!!! 

that doesn't mean you might not do it again, might not be perfect at this, but i think you've come a long way with being more full of self-worth, and that's always a good thing.   love and hugs!

[texannurse]

Blueberry - I get this and I am sorry the stress gets that bad. My T recently identified my hair pulling as self harm type behavior. I also do other self harm - but clean for 98 days so far. It's so hard to not resort to the old behaviors.
Hugs

[sigiriuk]

Hi Blueberry
We all feel it with you. We have all been there, where our shame attacks us like a rabid dog.
And we relive our feelings of powerlessness against violent acts.
And we have been damaged in some way, and are wired all wrong: we get relief from feeling the pain of self harm.
And despite all these terrible obstacles, you have the courage and strength to share your pain with us.
That is resilience, and that is healing.
Slim 

[Blueberry]

Another one today. In fact two times while I was working on a payment reminder for the very same client. Only the reasons were different this time. I've written them under Employment / Troublesome Clients - a bit of a rant

Troublesome Client triggered the self-injury, but it's because of an EF. It has to do with the psychological abuse that when on when I was growing up. A lot of what happened when I was a teenager (as opposed to a child) is connected to the problems I wrote about today.
So I'll sleep on my payment reminder and send it in the morning.

[clarity]

*Trigger warning*

Mine is attacking the skin around my fingers tips.  Done it for decades. Become a master at pulling just enough so it doesn't bleed. I had never thought if it as self harm behaviour ( just a silly habit as NM would say) but now see it clearly is. I absolutely understand the compulsion, the sense of immediate relief at a visceral level, the shame that follows, the inner critic pouncing on it as more evidence that you are a failure ... I can see the progress here blueberry, that you are now so much more able to stop it sooner, and use it as feedback to how you are doing emotionally etc.  Sometimes I just let myself do it, your post has helped me to think about it more.... maybe as I move through the adjustment to coming out of denial, it can change.  Makes me feel so teary as I can sense the pain behind the actions....

hugs and love to you....

It helped me enormously to realise that the black and white thinking of 'good person/bad person' is part of the abusers storytelling, and that in fact we are all a mixture of just loving beingness ( our true self) and pain.  The abusers are those whose loving beingness is almost completely covered over with pain from their own damage.  Our loving beingness is stronger.. it is managing to emerge and therefore we are motivated to heal as we somehow feel those glimpses of who we really are.  The abusers get no glimpses and are a lost cause as far as we can tell.

If we ban the idea of 'good person/bad person' ..... we can sidestep all of that old conditioning so much more easily.

Can you agree that you are a loving being? 
Then of course, the task is to learn how to be that loving being with ourself, and not direct the pain at ourselves.

I look at my fingers right now and see torn skin, a body trying valiantly to repair it 24/7.  I'm sad, and angry, but not at myself this time.

[Three Roses]

Can you agree that you are a loving being?  
Then of course, the task is to learn how to be that loving being with ourself, and not direct the pain at ourselves. 

I love this! I'm adopting this view of myself. Thanks clarity!