self-harm today TRIGGER WARNING

[sanmagic7]

clarity, how brilliant of you to be able to turn that anger away from yourself and back to where it belongs.  that's huge.   those hard-working fingertips of yours will someday be seen by you as part of the loving being you are, and love will prevent further damage and pain to them. 

that's what our ultimate goal is, isn't it.  loving ourselves.  because, we would not with any intent damage something we love.  i know we won't be perfect at it, but, just as we've loved others, pets, kids, we've done our best to put that love at the front.  we'll eventually do that with ourselves as well.  i can feel it coming.

love and hugs all around. 

[Blueberry]

I'm not far enough along to see myself as a loving being. The step you are suggesting there is huge. HUGE.

I do do small acts of love, kindness, gentleness towards myself when I manage to e.g. brush my hair non-aggressively or brush my teeth without scrubbing them or gently wash myself with nice-smelling shower gel (tho I notice I write the latter with embarrassment). For the moment, this is more manageable for me - concrete, practical, physical steps the complete opposite to my self-harm. Learning to be loving towards myself and then maybe getting to the point of seeing myself as a loving being.

As sanmagic mentioned, we wouldn't harm our pets the way we harm ourselves. No, I wouldn't dream of it! So that's sometimes an image I bring before my eyes, or also an image of a very young Little Blueberry, to stop self-harm.

The talk of Mama Bear on another thread reminded me that I used to have an imaginary porcupine that went around town with me, usually sitting on top of my head stroking my forehead and reducing my self-harm impulses to nil.

The porcupine turned up in some deep trance work being led around by a small inner child on the lead (like a dog). The lead was very slack though, it wasn't really necessary as a lead, it was more a connection between the two. The porcupine could talk and the child was not in the least frightened of the porcupine. (I was as a child, I used to check under the bed at night to make sure there wasn't a porcupine under there whose quills were going to stick me through the mattress - though how on earth one would have got there is anybody's guess.)

On the other thread there is some suggestion that aggression is a bad thing, I can't remember the exact suggestion. It made me think though:  that porcupine tail can act pretty fast and be pretty painful to any aggressor. And that's just self-defense! In this particular case the porcupine is an image for aggression within me. I know that whenever I wandered around town with the porcy on my head, I didn't pull out any hair. Whereas at that time - that's maybe about 8-10 years ago - I consistently pulled out hair. Even out for a little walk, I'd reach up and pull out a hair, because I was feeling nervous or because I felt vulnerable or because I was worried people would start laughing at me on the street for being so stupid, ridculous, ugly, badly-dressed, fat, or because I looked so nervous... My abusers in FOO - all three of them - have so much to answer for! 

My T has been teaching me that aggression per se is not a bad thing, it's what you do with it. That "aggression" developed from the Latin word to "go towards" or to "approach", so I'm going forward with energy to defend myself. Later the definition turned into something negative rather than neutral, and is sometimes used that way to disarm somebody who is merely defending themselves.

In the case I mentioned in T, in a particular group I go to, I'd marked a particular seat as mine a) by saying so (this is mine, I'll be back in a minute) and b) by placing my backpack and my coat on it. A woman removed them anyway and sat down. When I objected, she accused me of being aggressive. Instead of backing down, I got louder, and so she moved to another chair, remarking on my aggression while she was about it.  I felt a bit guilty, so that's why I took this incident into T with me me. Lo and behold, this woman was projecting her own aggression onto me; she was trying me out - will Blueberry defend herself or not? / how far can I get with Blueberry? My T says people do act in self-interest in ways that impinge on other people and if you're impinged upon and/or feel that your boundaries have been violated, you are allowed to defend yourself! The other person may in turn accuse you of being 'aggressive' to try and make you back down, but you can stand your ground, which I did. This other woman is not a bad person, I normally get on with her, and now that I've stood my ground, she knows she can't try that kind of thing out on me again.

*** TRIGGER WARNING PHYSICAL ABUSE ***
In order to defend yourself, you have to mobilise energy. This mobilisation can manifest itself physically: blood rushes to your head and turns your face red, your muscles go taut etc. So I realise writing this, that imagining these changes in somebody my mental image goes to my older B about to punch me in what he may have seen as an act of self-defense, but wasn't. Because it was completely out of proportion!!! (to whatever it was I might have done to him). Once I was so angry as a teenager that I hit him back. He yelled "How dare you hit me?!?" and pulled back his fist to have another go while I very calmly thought to myself "I'm going to die", and then our dog attacked him. Which was enough to bring him to his senses and make him go away swearing and leave me in peace.

If that's the image that comes up, no wonder I have trouble with accepting my own aggression! But again, I'm turning the aggressive act that was done to me into my own act, taking on the guilt and shame that should be someone else's for their act. Whether it was someone hitting me and then threatening to hit me again for defending myself, or whether it was somebody merely taking my seat.

End of TRIGGER WARNING

It's when I'm thinking about shame of this type that I will injure myself, I realise now. When I'm in the act of stating: "This is MY chair" or in the act of hitting my brother back, I do not pull out any hair - it's later, often years later.

I'm very sorry that this post got so long. Often when I write my thoughts on here, as they come, in all their length, I come to  realisation after realisation which helps my healing. If I didn't write on here, so maybe in my diary instead, I wouldn't be able to keep going so long especially not without self-harming, but also my head wouldn't stay this clear for so long. So for me writing here to all of you works as a healing tool for me. Thank you so much! 

[Blueberry]

Today I'm working on the last job of a particular type of contract work which I'll be taking a break from for a good while. One reason is: I can't do this work without pulling my hair out. Another reason is: it involves far more mental energy and takes me far longer to do it than it should. I get paid per job rather than per hour... Fortunately I do have another line of work where I don't pull my hair out.

I was thinking just before I ended the work for the night that it's not going so badly, meaning I am going to manage to finish this job.  But then I realised that I've been sitting here pulling my hair out for the past couple of hours. I noticed I was doing it and also sort of didn't. It's a bit weird. When I overeat, I notice the whole time, but pulling my hair out I kind of dissociate while I'm doing it and am not totally aware of it.

So this is a reminder to myself: it's going better than the last contract but I still need a longish break from this kind of work, maybe forever in fact. But I don't need to decide the exact length of break right now, I just have to take it.

[Blueberry]

Also I feel ashamed that I can't stop. But at least I'm being honest with you all on here which forces me to be honest with myself. My T knows too.

[Three Roses]

We are dealing with things with all the strength we have, on a daily basis. Some days I'm stronger than others, I'm sure the same is true for you. Hang in there, we're hanging with you 

[Candid]

I feel ashamed that I can't stop.

Dear one, there's no shame in self-harm. Please don't add another layer of Bad to your coping mechanisms. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks 3Roses and Candid for your validations and support. It means a lot. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry,

the things you mentioned that you do for yourself, like brush your teeth and hair gently, shower, etc., are loving things - they are a part of the loving being you are that has been buried under the abuse and trauma for so long.  just because we don't do kind, loving things to and for ourselves all the time every day doesn't mean we're not loving beings.  not to my mind, anyway.

you are recognizing these lovely things you do for yourself, and that's progress, isn't it?  you are probably doing them more often than in the past - more progress.   we come at this 'loving ourselves' in dribs and drabs, stumbling sometimes, strong and at the ready other times.  we aren't going to do loving things for ourselves perfectly, either.

as far as coping mechanisms go, we all have them, and we change them when and if we are able.  there's no shame in that.  we can't do it all all of the time.  but i really believe that every time we do something kindly for ourselves, or do some type of self-harm less for ourselves, it's a small victory.  in time, what with your realizations about what jobs to do and not to do, those victories will gather speed and strength.

picking and choosing what job you want to do in order to lessen self-harming behaviors sounds like a very loving thing to do for yourself.    it sounds like something a loving being would do.  you're getting there, blueberry.  those small victories count.  love and hugs to you, my dear.

[Blueberry]

I've been pulling my hair out for days. But it is somewhat better today, after I finally allowed myself to do what I've been wanting to do for a while work-wise. I still pulled some hair out while working on the relevant emails but a lot less bad than the previous week or so.

I often pull my hair out because I'm not doing what I really want to do, deep-down.

Tbh there's hardly a day goes by in my life when I don't pull at least one hair out. Recently it's got pretty out of control though.

In T I did a few rounds of EFT on I accept myself as I am today with all my perceived weaknesses and bad habits. That was good. My T also suggested I hug myself, which I did. Sounds a bit weird, but it worked. While I'm doing that, I can't pull any hair out. 

[sanmagic7]

i've hugged myself at times, too, so i don't think it's weird.  i don't know - it seems to me that if we didn't get enough hugs from others in our lives, why not give them to ourselves?  it always felt good when i did it, so i think it must be a good thing to do.

i think that's a really good realization for yourself about why you pull your hair out.  knowledge is the first step to understanding, and when we understand i think we are more easily able to make changes.   are you able to know beforehand what it is you really want to do?  or is it later that you figure it out?   

i know that i don't always understand or know what i really want to do, but just feel some kind of generic disturbance that makes me uncomfortable.  that's when i reach for food in an unhealthy way.   i just want that feeling to go away, but since i don't know what's at its source at the time, i use a 'quick-fix' because i can't do what's appropriate for the situation.

i know i'm making progress because a lot of my unhealthy behaviors are no more.  still, until i can more consistently figure out what that disturbance is in the moment, i'm still doing unhealthy things for myself.  small steps, blueberry.  they all count, tho.  big hug to you filled with hope for the future. 

[Candid]

I often pull my hair out because I'm not doing what I really want to do, deep-down.

Do you want to tell us what that is? And why you're not doing it?

I hug myself, too. I often have my hands gripping my shoulders as I wait for sleep. It can be a very long wait.

[Blueberry]

Well, one thing I want to do is start translating children's books, for pay that is. The phone call later today, which I set up with my email the other day, is with a published translator of children's books. So that's one step in the right direction.

So when I'm pulling my hair out because I'm not doing what I want to do then it's probably a punishment for not being as brave as I think I should be and just getting on with it.

There's also the issue of "better the junk you know, than the junk you don't". I'm used to my depression, my worries etc. Familiar ground. Success e.g. just having this phone call a bit later can give rise to 'problems', which I will then have to deal with. Problems like - it could lead somewhere and I might have to start looking for and then start negotiating with publishing companies. Scary stuff. Especially if I listen to the past voices. But of course it's better to shut them out. Which I have just done.

Sometimes I want to go outside but I feel too vulnerable so sit at the computer reading news or comments on news or something. Then I tend to pull hair out because that's not obviously what I want. Some of it is self-punishment - hey, you should be outside, getting fresh air, stocking up for the winter on fresh air and sunshine, or working in the garden and what are you doing instead??? You are wasting time!

[Blueberry]

Success e.g. just having this phone call a bit later can give rise to 'problems', which I will then have to deal with. Problems like - it could lead somewhere and I might have to start looking for and then start negotiating with publishing companies.

The phone call was very useful, and successful. Now I'm seeing what my next steps could involve and I'm not seeing them as problems. I'm also remembering that nobody has to accomplish all their steps in one day or anything. You just go bit by bit.

The translator I spoke to today was encouraging and said that the steps I have so far taken are good. People can often be quite discouraging, especially if they see you as competition. 

[Blueberry]

I often pull my hair out because I'm not doing what I really want to do, deep-down.

Do you want to tell us what that is? And why you're not doing it?

Another thing I don't do though I may want to deep-down is: care for myself properly eg wash and / or brush my hair. When I don't do that, though I want to, I'll start pulling hair. That problem actually goes really far back to pre-teen years. I can't even write it down. Maybe a topic for Screen Processing in therapy? On the basic topic I've done quite a bit of work but not on the specific thing I can't write down right now.

TRIGGER WARNING
Some of it involves not wanting to exist. The more hair I pull out, the less I exist. Some of it is to do with shame. A lot of shame in my FOO involved with caring for yourself properly. M saw it as a weakness and I seemed to have absorbed that more than my sibs. Has its reasons. My M was particularly against girls and women showing 'weakness' and I was the only girl so...

Also there was this feeling that whatever I did, I'd lose. If I cared for myself properly eg with my hair then I would be humiliated, scorned, laughed at for it looking so stupid or this or that. And if I didn't care for myself properly, then I'd be yelled at for being so unkempt. But it didn't matter what I did, it would be wrong. I'm pretty sure I was still pre-teen when I decided not to act anymore at all because that took up energy, which I had so little of, and in the end whatever I did it was wrong anyway, so better not do anything was my thought on the matter. That certainly applied to self-care, I know that.

Enough realisations for this evening. It would make sense for me to go and work on some EFT or Screen Processing.

[Candid]

Hello my lovely. 

Translating children's books and getting paid for it sounds fantastic, it really does.  I know someone else who translates a specific author's work, because she loves their work.  Oh to be fluent in another language!

I love children's books.  You'll get the catharsis of reading them and putting you own interpretive spin on them, as every translator has to.  Honestly, Blueberry, hats off to you for your enterprise and drive.  Are you giving yourself enough credit for this?

There's also the issue of "better the junk you know, than the junk you don't". I'm used to my depression, my worries etc. Familiar ground. Success e.g. just having this phone call a bit later can give rise to 'problems'...

I get this, I really do.  For me there also used to be an element of if I do something great (in my eyes), does Mother get the credit for how she raised me?  That was a real shoot-myself-in-the-foot notion.

Scary stuff. Especially if I listen to the past voices. But of course it's better to shut them out. Which I have just done.

I'm not sure if this was a LOL for you, but the way you wrote it was one for me. 

Sometimes I want to go outside but I feel too vulnerable so sit at the computer reading news or comments on news or something.

Yeah, me too. 

Advice that's okay because it's also a NTS:  Give yourself a break!!

[quotehey, you should be outside, getting fresh air, stocking up for the winter on fresh air and sunshine, or working in the garden and what are you doing instead??? You are wasting time![/quote]

I call it relaxing on the porch with my mates.

You're one of my OOTS heroes, dear one. I hope you know that.