Why do I cry when someone is nice to me?

[Wife#2]

This is an ongoing theme. If anyone is nice to me, especially when I'm not expecting nice, I cry.

Now, I can't always get the tears out, that's been a problem through my marriage - invalidation of emotion if accompanied by tears.

Lately I have been able to shed tears. And with that, an increase in the amount of tears shed because someone said something nice to or about me.

It's as if I've come to believe so many horrible things about myself that the mere hint of anything good about me and I'm a basket case. Well, it also depends on the source. If the source is someone who has hurt me in the past - I thank them for their kindness, but it's all kind of cold. Sadly, my husband is in this group. But, if it's someone who I respect highly or whose opinion has always been kind, if honest about negatives. Then, the waterworks open up!

Quite embarrassing when this happens at work. Especially from being on this website. It's kind of hard to answer the questions - why are you crying? So, I dry up quickly as I can and remain thankful for the office to myself.

I just wondered, does anyone else go instantly to overwhelmed tears at the simplest kindness shown by others?

[Three Roses]

Yes, this was something I used to do. Doesn't happen anymore, not sure what changed. My therapist said something nice about me during our last session and I made a face like - then we discussed my reaction!

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2, I used to do that. I still do if someone give me more than just a simple compliment. On bad days those a simple compliment can still turn me to tears. I, like you, believe it is something to do with all the horrible things I have ever let myself believe.

I believe it is important to get tears out, but I do also understand how awkward this particular one can be. It took me some time to get better at it. I found that if I wrote good things about myself and could read them back it eventually helped me be okay hearing them from others. I don't necessarily believe those good things fully but it has helped me not have such an instant reaction to hearing good things about myself.

All the hugs your way

[Blueberry]

wife#2, I used to do that too. In fact some people in inpatient settings said I cried so much, they didn't want to say good things. They didn't want to set me off.

I can only assume I don't do it any more because the pain isn't quite as near the surface as it was when I still lived with FOO (a few decades agao) or as it was when I was in inpatient settings and not engaging in addictive behaviour. If you arm yourself with unhealthy shields, the way I am atm, you don't feel so much emotionally and are maybe less likely to cry. Not that I'm suggesting this for a minute! While I wouldn't want to end up in a situation where I was crying in the workplace, crying can be a relief and very healing. Better out than in. Now I only cry if I'm really, really triggered and absolutely devastated. Like, heart-wrenching situation. Last time I had face-to-face contact with FOO for instance.

I found that if I wrote good things about myself and could read them back it eventually helped me be okay hearing them from others. I don't necessarily believe those good things fully but it has helped me not have such an instant reaction to hearing good things about myself.

Hey, good idea, Elphanigh!  I don't necessarily believe good things fully either, but being able to say or write them about ourselves is a really good step.

[Wife#2]

Thank you all for the great responses!

It just surprised me lately because I had a few years there where I'd choke up, but no tears were possible. I have only recently been able to cry again, and now it seems everything sends the tears flowing, especially nice words to me.

Elphanigh, I also agree that your suggestion is great. I'll be mining posts to find the kind words spoken by others, I have a slightly better chance at believing them.

I also think I need to stop listening to the radio for a while. Lots of triggers there for feeling bad about myself. I listen to a lot of preacher radio and the lessons there ARE good, but right now I may just be too raw to handle that level of introspection. The messages have encouraged me to feel bad. That's entirely too easy to do. So, yes, take a break and remind myself of the good qualities I do have.

Maybe part of the deal is that I've opened up some floodgates to all my feelings, tears included. I'm getting better at identifying the cause of anger and allowing it to wash over, then past, me. I've begun to feel more joy in simple things as well - like the silliness of puppies playing. So, maybe with all that comes the tears at kindness. I think that's part of who I truly am - feeling deeply, grateful, open and kind. If this isn't who I am, it is certainly who I aspire to be!

Thank you all, again. I managed to read your posts without tears. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone. Know that you are also not alone. This website is a blessing to me yet again! 

[shoshannah]

I do the same!

[sanmagic7]

wife2, i've been crying at kindness, caring, joyful events, loving situations for ages.  i still do, altho i think it's been waning just a bit.  i can't tell you how many times i've cried when reading such wonderful response from everyone on this forum!

one night, a while back, i made myself think about this phenomenon, what it could mean, why it happened to me so very often.   i looked at the images on tv that i would cry about - that look of feeling loved was one of them.  a kindness - i hadn't really had much of that in my life, including hubs and my daughter and that icky therapist.  caring - very little asking after me and how i was, about my wellbeing.  joyful events - i always said i was so happy that i couldn't contain it, and it overflowed in tears.  i'm not sure if that's really it, tho.

the rest of them i was able to pinpoint sadness.  i was crying because i was so sad that i didn't know this feeling, how to respond, what to do with a caring or kindness that someone gave me.  i was sad because of how much of this i'd missed or lost along the way as well.

my alexithymia has played a big part in this, too.  not having access to those lovely feelings, and how much i wished for them, couldn't feel them even when all the evidence was there that i was loved and cared about/for.   rarely did i feel a heart-to-heart connection, which was the only way i could know and feel those emtions.

so, i still do a lot of crying when someone is kind to me.  it's been so unusual, i don't know what to do with it, and that's really sad.  and, when i'm sad, i cry, even in the midst of love and tenderness.  this may only make sense to me, but it's what i could figure out about it.

your tears have a reason, too.  maybe, like you said, you've finally allowed those gates to open, and they had been holding back years and years of tears.   i do think the more kindnesses we keep getting shown, because we're beginning to surround ourselves with healthier, more caring and kind people, the more we'll get used to it.  i look forward to the day when i can smile instead of cry when i'm so very happy.  that will be a good day.  wishing that for you as well, wife2.  big hug, my dear sweet sister.  you deserve only loving care and kindness in your life, because you are a fount of those things yourself.

[Blueberry]

I was crying just a little while ago sending a pm on here. I wish I could put what I was writing on the board but am frightened of being discovered by FOO. I was crying as I was writing at least partly because in the awful situation I was describing, one person was compassionate.

[Candid]

If the source is someone who has hurt me in the past - I thank them for their kindness, but it's all kind of cold. Sadly, my husband is in this group. But, if it's someone who I respect highly or whose opinion has always been kind, if honest about negatives. Then, the waterworks open up!

I get it, Wife#2. Me too.

Quite embarrassing when this happens at work.

I used to rush off and cry in the loo, although that was my stress burden rather than unexpected kind words.

I found that if I wrote good things about myself and could read them back it eventually helped me be okay hearing them from others. I don't necessarily believe those good things fully...

I like this!  And I'm going to start doing it.

Elphanigh, I also agree that your suggestion is great. I'll be mining posts to find the kind words spoken by others, I have a slightly better chance at believing them.

You've said a ton of lovely things about me, Wife#2, and you wouldn't have seen those qualities in me if you didn't have them in yourself.

Maybe part of the deal is that I've opened up some floodgates to all my feelings, tears included.

And maybe reframe the tears that come from the kind words of others. They're tears of joy and relief!

I think that's part of who I truly am - feeling deeply, grateful, open and kind. If this isn't who I am, it is certainly who I aspire to be!

You're already there, my friend. You really are.

... and everything sanmagic7 wrote.

[Blueberry]

Elphanigh, I also agree that your suggestion is great. I'll be mining posts to find the kind words spoken by others, I have a slightly better chance at believing them.

You've said a ton of lovely things about me, Wife#2, and you wouldn't have seen those qualities in me if you didn't have them in yourself.

This has been my experience too (realising that I wouldn't have seen qualities in someone else unless I had them in myself). It's good that you're reminding me of that with this post. 

[ToreyP]

I find myself doing the opposite unfortunately.  My first reaction is a paranoid one - "they can't really mean it, they must a) want something or b) have an ulterior motive" - because I think that no one can possibly genuinely like me and must, instead, be looking for a way to win my trust so that they can hurt me somehow.

[Wife#2]

I find myself doing the opposite unfortunately.  My first reaction is a paranoid one - "they can't really mean it, they must a) want something or b) have an ulterior motive" - because I think that no one can possibly genuinely like me and must, instead, be looking for a way to win my trust so that they can hurt me somehow.

This is my husband's truth, too. It's so hard for him to accept kindness at all. I cry, but he builds a wall of suspicion. Makes for an interesting marriage.