Making myself sick.

[Grace for today]

Can anyone relate to making themselves sick intentionally? ? I do it everyday just through overdosing on caffeine.  I had anorexia from age 12 to about 20, then severe bulimia where I abused huge amounts of laxatives and threw up numerous times a day. I finally recovered from all that at age 25. During the bulimic years I developed a sensitivity to caffeine.  Most likely because that about all I ever allowed to stay in my body.

     I know that if I have more than one cup of coffee, I will get dizzy, very foggy, have trouble concentrating, have digestive problems a lot, have to urinate every 10 minutes and ultimately sit around in a stupor where I feel disconnected from everything.

      This happens every time I quit drinking alcohol.  It's like the addiction under that addiction.  And in the past I feel so awful I start drinking alcohol again.

      I just prayed about it, asking God to please reveal the answer to help me. And screams came out of me, the same screams that seem to be connected to childhood abuse.

     I'm on a waiting list to see a trauma therapist.  Should be a few weeks from now. I was diagnosed with C- PTSD with dissociation in January at a rehab, where I started work with a trauma therapist. 

     Anyway I feel like I'm hurting myself with caffeine as a way to stay disconnected and possibly acting out the scenario of my young life where I was being abused and traumatized while my parents allowed it and were fine with the things that happened to me. Especially my mother seemed to enjoy my abuse, even though I know now that she had some sort of mental illness.  I don't think she knew right from wrong in some things. And my Dad just let her have her way.

Anyway I seem to have internalized the abuser. I feel like I'm hurting myself because I'm so used to it, it seems normal. 

[Blueberry]

Internalising the abuser is fairly common. I've done a lot of that in my time and despite therapy still do, but not quite so heavily or so often. I act out in different ways from you, that's all. I used to give myself a lot of flak for continuing the abuse towards myself, but I've certainly reduced the criticism because criticising myself doesn't help. Quite the reverse in fact.
Checking Emotional Flashback here http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-glossary/ might help you understand a bit what's going on. If you then check the link at the bottom of that description, to Pete Walker's Emotional Flashback Management, that might help you as well.

Those screams, I know them too. For me, they mean: "Take it slow. Internally or in memories there's a lot of pain going on." When I didn't pay heed to that in the past, I've gone haywire.
It's a big step just to realise what we're doing and then courageous on top of it to want to know an answer. Good on you for doing that. Sometimes it's better to wait to look in detail either till we have good management skills or are in the hands of a competent trauma therapist, or both. 

[Dee]

It sounds like bulimia.  It is about purging emotions.  I could be wrong, but my dad passed away and I am struggling with bulimia at the moment.  Perhaps you are in a relapse.

[Wishing Well]

Hi,
You do sound like you are trying to work out some very strong feelings by getting sick.  I have heard of other people doing that as well.  I feel badly that you are suffering and the dealing with the bulimia.  My sister had bulimia when she was a teen, so I am familiar with it.  I agree that if you can muster up the courage, try to get some help with the eating issue to take care of your health.  Hope you feel better.