Non-Supportive Husband

[skyway]

I've been married for 28 years and I'm 61.  I grew up with an NPD mother, brother and sister, but my father, who was not NPD, died when I was 13, leaving me alone with them.  We had another 5 people die in our family over the next 6 years, there were 3 serial murderers in my tiny county who murdered over 30 of our neighbors, when I grew up and got married - he beat me.  My older brother had beat me when we were children and was always consistently cruel, so I think I married someone familiar to me in that way.  I divorced and stayed alone for 5 years, but my next boyfriend was the worst.  He held me captive and beat me about 12 hrs a day for 4 months.  We were together for 1 1/2 yrs, but I broke up with him after he almost killed me and I stayed away from him for 6 months, but he called my mother and she gave him my phone number. 

When we got back together we went out on the road for his job and we rented a hotel room in San Francisco, near the beach, a very nice place and expensive.  Once he got me into the room he beat the living tar out of me and I'm just going to say that he tortured me every single day.  He changed me.   I felt that if I tried to kill him he would still come up out of the bed and get me.  I felt that nobody in the world was going to come and save me, no matter how loud I screamed.  Nobody ever came to the door.  He told me he was going to either kill me or he was going to ruin me so badly that no man would ever want me again.  One morning we got up and were getting dressed to go back to our home town when he began to beat me up.  I finally began to scream and I couldn't stop.  I screamed all the way home - about 5 or 6 hour drive.  I never knew until he drove past the turnoff to his mother's home whether he was going to let me go.  He planned to take me to her house (she was in Europe) and lock me in her shed.

He drove me to my mother's house and dumped me and my luggage out of the car.  The only response anyone had was to ask me how I could be so stupid as to stay with a man like that.  No hugs, no tears, no understanding.  I quickly pulled myself together, but after that I began smoking pot and drinking.  I got back together with an old boyfriend, thinking he would be safe.  He turned out to start in where the last boyfriend left off.  He cursed at me and tried everything he could to egg me into a fight.  By then I was ready to fight for myself.  We had mutual combat, at times, but mostly he beat me up.  He fractured my arm one night and the relationship was over.  I got into Alcoholics Anonymous 30 years ago and have been sober ever since.

I married my present husband and he has never hit me.  He comes from a family with an NPD sister, but we didn't realize this for about 20 years.   She caused a LOT of problems for us.  We have a business that was highly successful until the Recession and its been a struggle ever since.  I have been to therapy a few times, I tried hypnotherapy, and I've worked a very successful AA program.  The problem is that I'm 100 lbs overweight. 

My husband is not critical of my weight.  He doesn't make mean comments about it and has always been pretty understanding and he loves me regardless.  I am very critical of my weight, because I used to be a beautiful woman and I don't want to live out my life grossly overweight like this.  My thyroid blew up on me and I had it removed about 9 years ago - that is when my weight went way up and I haven't been able to lose weight and keep it off since then.   But the truth is that I have had weight problems since I've been with my husband.  I was always thin up until that time - like a size 2. 

My endocrinologist and the nurse practitioner I am seeing recommended I get EMDR therapy.  After a lot of resistance on my part, I finally started going to a good EMDR therapist about 2 months ago.  My husband said if it will help me that is good.  I started with the therapy and it is bringing up a lot of feelings for me.  Because I'm having to write this stuff out in a workbook and it is stirring it all up.  My NPD sister is a big trigger for me and lives in our area and my husband and my nephew (her son) invited her to our house for a family birthday party tomorrow night.  I said to my husband tonight that it was really stirring things up for me to go to the therapy and I was upset that Leslie was coming to the house, although I would be pleasant and pretend nothing was wrong, I wanted him to know that it is hard on me. 

He started telling me that I just need to go to the gym and go on a diet.  That I just can't stick to a diet regimen and that is my problem, because anything that happened to me was 30 or 40 years ago and I need to get over it.  I cried and cried.  I sat down with my laptop and started looking online to see what do you do when your husband is not supportive of your therapy and I found this website.  That is when I realized I have C-PTSD.  I am really hurt by the way he is treating me about this.  He seemed to be supportive when I started the therapy, saying that if that is what the experts were recommending, I should do it. 

I am going to just get through the weekend, the party tomorrow night, and then when I go to my therapy on Wednesday I'm going to speak to the doctor about this.  I don't know what it is going to take for me to stop wanting to eat constantly, but I believe I am eating because of my emotional problems, coupled with my endocrine problems.  My husband says he doesn't think the therapy is going to help me stop over eating at all.  The one thing I am sure of is that I am going to continue with the therapy and I am going to get better. 

My only child, who was adopted by my husband after we got together, just had a beautiful baby girl on January 1st and she is 4 1/2 months old right now.  She is sooooo beautiful and I love her.  I sit and rock her and sing to her and she loves it.  I always sing the same song to her first, and when she hears it she gets a huge smile on her face.  She is a love.  I know that staying sober and trying to be a stable person helped my little girl grow up to be a happy, well adjusted adult and she has a wonderful relationship with her husband. 

I do have a few people in my life who understand what I'm going through and I wish my husband were one of them, but I guess I just need to go about my business and leave him out of this.  If I need to talk about it with somebody I'll have to call one of my understanding friends.

[Hope66]

Hi Skyway,
I am glad you've found the forum, it is a supportive place, and it sounds like you need some support around you at this time.  You've certainly been through a lot, and it's good that you've got your therapist to talk with next week.

You sound so happy with your Grandchild, and singing her that song and seeing her face light up in a smile must be wonderful.   

I just wanted to wish you well and hope to see you in the forum - it took me a long time to be brave enough to post anything, and yet I now feel braver and post something when I need to - and it really helps.  I hope it will help you as well.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

Yes, the "just get over it" comments are so common and unhelpful. As if we wouldn't have done it already if it we could! But it's always a little sad to hear how people can relate and understand because it means they've been thru it too.

As you learn about this disorder, you'll find things you can do to help you on the road to healing. Richard Gannon's videos on Youtube are great for understanding the narcissist personalities' effects on us. Pete Walker has a very informative book that many of us find crucial to our recoveries - "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" - and a website too  - http://pete-walker.com

The #1 most helpful book for me has been "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk. It explains the physical changes in the brain that occur a result of CPTSD and how it is different from PTSD. He also goes into different types of therapy, and explains how the brain can heal. Recovery is possible.

This forum has been crucial to the improvements I've seen in myself. The support has moved me to tears and the amount of information here is incredible. Take your time and remember to go at your own pace! Don't rush things as that can retraumatize you.

Thank you for posting. I'm so very sorry to hear about your painful past and so thankful that you chose to join us!

[Wife#2]

Hello and welcome, skyway.

I also have a semi-supportive husband. The fact that he waffles is what makes me struggle all the harder. He's also the type to spout those hurtful phrases (Get over it, move on, stop living in the past, stop acting like a victim). This is further complicated because he also has cPTSD, refuses therapy and thinks it's a waste of time to revisit the times when he was abused. Therefore, I shouldn't waste MY time either.

Keep with the EMDR. You are worth the effort you are putting in.

Yes, I do believe that the combination of your emotional history AND the thyroid giving out (chances are the gall bladder also gave out years ago) have created a hole in your heart that food can't fill. So, no matter HOW much you feed that hole, it never feels full. At least, that has been my experience.

I have no answers, but I can say that I understand. It stinks and it's not fair and healing hurts far worse than anyone can warn you. Still, you are worth the effort. There won't be one day when you look up and say - that's it! I'm healed! But, there will be lots of days when you will realize that you feel better than you have in a while. And that is an accomplishment worth striving for.