What I've learned about boundaries...

[LaurelLeaves]

I remember when I was a little kid with my babysitter, and I was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I was telling her that if you hold the sandwich in particular way it tastes like it has more jelly.    Her response was that if I wanted more jelly, I could just ask.
Her response floored me!  I didn't even know that I wanted more jelly, let alone that I could ask for something that I wanted.  I just thought that life provided me with things, and I had to live with it even if I didn't like it.  And because that was the way it was, there was no point in even thinking about what I wanted.

Unfortunately, I stayed the same boundaryless person after the peanut and jelly incident, but it did plant a seed in my mind.

Before I came to this site, I thought that boundaries were simple mundane things, like keeping your feet off the table.  But it's really about knowing what you want, and being able to ask for it.   IF YOU CAN'T ASK FOR IT, HOW WOULD THEY KNOW? 

I learned another thing too:  If you ask for something, and the other person goes flying off the handle, and uses misdirection by accusing you of all you did wrong... instead of just simply contemplating providing what you want... THEY HAVE THE PROBLEM, NOT YOU.

The problem I currently have is asking my partner things, and not getting a response.  He recently admitted to feeling pressured to give me a response.  However, I feel pressured to live with the uncertainty of not knowing the answer till the last second, leaving me unable to plan.   I just recently understood how it makes me feel pressured.   Currently working up the courage to tell him that.

[Wife#2]

Those are some great observations!

I'm sorry that your 'normal' was that asking for something meant nothing, or worse, a rage for asking.

I love that you've realized that someone's over-reaction speaks about THEM and THEIR ISSUES, not you or your request.

With regard to your partner, maybe talk with him about how you feel insecure and rudderless when he can't give you a defined answer. I was/am more like your partner, my husband is more like you. He needs defined answers that he can process and work from that knowledge. I am more 'Don't pressure me, I'll answer when *I* know.' Like you two, this causes conflict. The way you expressed your concerns helped me understand my husband better.

Now, I can see that he needs an answer so that he is clear about the next steps to take. He does that for me and I know I appreciate it. It wouldn't cost me to sit down and think and then give a considered answer. And it would certainly help him feel more secure in what is expected of him.  Thank you!

May I ask this on behalf of your partner? Please give him a preferred answering timeline, one that works for YOU. Example: You want to know if he would like to take vacation at the beach. Ask, 'Do you want to go to the beach this summer? If so, I really need to know by June 10th so I can make the appropriate plans.' That gives him a time-line. AND, you know you can get the answer as late as the 15th, but if you give him that much time, he'll take it. Now, he will try to have that answer by the 10th and you can relax knowing it'll be in time to make those plans. I know - in a perfect world.... Still, when my husband does this for me, gives me a time that doesn't feel rushed, it's a lot easier to answer in that time. If I feel pushed, I'll panic and answer what I THINK he wants to hear - which isn't why he asked me!

[sanmagic7]

i relate, laurelleaves, completely about not even knowing i could ask for things.  i accepted what was offered or what was there without a thought about it.  i didn't have the right to ask, was told many times not to ask questions, and i lived waaaay too much of my life like that.

now, i ask all the time.  my hub often became defensive.  i told him that 'i don't know' or 'i don't want to talk about it' were perfectly acceptable answers.  still, i think he thought i was trying to trap him or something. 

i also like to know the answers to my questions simply because it gives me information that i can process for my own life, what i'm doing, what i want to do, how to go about planning, etc.  maybe these are control issues - i'm not sure.  most of the time, tho, i was simply curious because he was part of my life so i enjoyed knowing about his life and how it was going.  i guess that curiosity, tho, felt like tremendous pressure as well.  we had quite a few 'discussions' about my asking questions.

i hope you and your partner can work this out.  it's a toughie, to my mind.  different perspectives of what questioning means, what answering means, maybe wanting to keep things private for awhile, some rebellion, some sabotage - the list could be endless as to what causes this between people.  i, personally, don't mind being asked questions.  to me, it shows that someone cares enough to ask how i am or how i'm doing.  i missed a lot of those questions throughout my life.    best to you with this.  hope it goes well.     

[LaurelLeaves]

Thanks Wife#2, I'll try your suggestion.

Even little things like, "Can I have the car tomorrow, or will you come back at noon to get me?" he seems to have a problem answering, so I wind up going to bed not knowing if I have to wake up early to go with him, or not.

I really suspect it's all about keeping me off kilter to control me.  But I'm not going to put up with it anymore.

[Lingurine]

LaurelLeaves, I can relate to your post so much. I remember sitting on the couch with my first T and really scratched my head when she asked me what I wanted. What I wanted, nobody asked me that before so I didn't know what I wanted. I had to discover that I had a will and a mind of my own. That was so mindblowing. I also have two left feet when it comes to boundaries. 

Lingurine

[Wife#2]

Oh, Laurel, that just stinks! I'm sorry to hear that. Yes, it does sound like time to make a boundary.

You're right, you don't have to tolerate that. It seems very passive-aggressive to me as well. Control by refusing to answer.

What my husband told me that helps keep me communicating is that he feels ignored or blown off when I don't answer at all. He feels taken for granted when I keep answering *I'm thinking, I'll get back to you*. If I do say that, I give it serious thought and answer within the half-hour. This keeps him informed and let's him know how to plan. This keeps me from slipping back into MY passive-aggressive 'no answer'.

On the other side of that coin, I had to ask him to give me time to think when he asks a question. I usually don't have an immediate answer. But, if I haven't answered in an hour, he has a right to feel blown-off! Then, I have to work at not being irritated when he asks again. It isn't his fault that I gave no indication I even heard him or intended to answer!

I hope this helps. You nailed it when you said it was controlling and very passive-aggressive. That is exactly true. I appreciate your post in that it helps me see just how it affects my husband when I do this to him. He and I have worked past this to a great extent, but I can slip back into it if I'm not careful. So, with a long weekend ahead in the US and many questions likely to come up, thank you for this reminder.