Introduction

[lisbeth]

I am a female.  I'm an Air Force Bratt who moved every 2-3 years until age 13 with my family so never really spent time with extended family.  I was sexually abused by my half brother from at least age 3 - possibly soon as my mother described grooming from the time I was born (though she wouldn't have called it that).  My mother was an alcoholic narcissist who died of lung cancer three years ago - I stopped communicating with her 5 years before that because after I told her about the molestation she said I was ruining her life and that I just had to talk it out with my half brother.  My father died 22 years ago from alcoholism.  My 2nd boyfriend became my first husband and is a psychopath who beat me severely - broken rib, nose, cheek, jaw.  My 2nd husband is a borderline personality sociopath with possible schizophrenia (no contact so don't know if he got diagnosed)  who yelled at me constantly and berated me for being too sensitive and not being strong enough.  My last boyfriend is a sociopath narcissist who constantly cheated and lied to me and then blamed me for finding out.  He was much younger than me and constantly told me I was too old.  I make less than 17,000 a year and have no health insurance (too much $ for Medicaid, too little for insurance, and I can't find a full-time job after 3 years of searching on and off).  so yeah I have C-Ptsd, was officially diagnosed when I had some health care 3 years ago.  I don't date anymore and go days or weeks at a time without talking to anyone.  I'm really scared and lonely.  I feel alien.  I feel useless.  I feel hopeless.  I'm a mess.

[Three Roses]

Boy, have you come to the right place! I am 60, female, currently not working because of anxiety. I don't interact much with anyone except my husband and kids and the dog. I've always felt so different that I felt I was a different species, not a human. I'm familiar with feeling useless and hopeless.

But since I found this forum and that I'm not the only one who has these symptoms, I've been getting better. All the information on this site, and in the few books I've read on CPTSD, has really helped me see that I'm not to blame, I have worth, this is an injury that has been done to me, and there is much hope for our healing.

So find a comfy chair, put your feet up and dig in! I'm glad you're here

[Blackbird]

Hi Lisbeth, welcome 

I'm too am a magnet for dangerous folks. My psychiatrist tells me I was too close to evil my whole life, that's how I learned to interact.
Nowadays, thanks to therapy, I've been learning how to disengage from the dangerous and maladaptive, to the kind and genuine relationships. It's a process and a long one, but worth it.

I'm younger, 30, living at my mother's house because I have Bipolar Disorder, and for so long I thought I was a hopeless case because I have a mental illness. That that meant I would be 'bad' forever. Boy, my therapist really helped with that. With reassurance and positive feedback, I'm able now to look beyond that idea that are people with mental illness are evil. I live with the consequences of my own words, I said some mean things to people (they actually deserved it, but hey... I hate that I lowered myself to their level), and I've grown to appreciate the good in me.

I guess my mother is BPD, and I know all too well what it is like to live with low empathy. She can have empathy for a character in a book but not for her daughter or a pet, it's something that deeply disturbed me for a long time, nowadays I have more pity than anger.

I don't know if  my mental disorders, including OCD, are related to trauma. My psychiatrist and therapist seem to think they are. I know that in treating the trauma I've unfolded years of pain that is very hard to deal with. I have few friends, one I can count on to talk to only, but I guess I'm blessed to even have one. I hardly ever talk about my experiences to be honest, people tend to not want to know, minimize or rationalize when all we want is support.

Hope you find that support here, like I have. 

[Dee]

Lisbeth, you are welcome here.  I am also an AF brat.  Moving around for my entire life definitely effected having friends and family.  I too was abused as a child only to find myself in an abusive relationship.  I hope you find that while everyone is different you are not alone here.  I think of people here, same- but different.  They have all shown me more support than I have had in my life.  Welcome.