life is like a box of chocolates

[lostinspace66]

Hello out there, new to forums.  I tried out of the fog and was directed over here.  Do not even know where to begin: a little about me
50 year old male
survivor of childhood abuse
veteran
multiple tours in combat locations
alcoholic until 2014
all my friends and most of my family I seem to have pushed away
I live in complete solitude, confident that this is it, self imposed exile...   The trust in just typing this out there to the world has me on edge

[mourningdove]

Welcome, lostinspace66! Glad you are here.

[Blueberry]

Welcome, lostinspace! 

You've made a good step in reaching out to us here. I find this a very supportive forum. You don't have to write about anything you don't want to. You might want to look around the forum and see what resonates with you, and maybe also look at RESOURCES.

[Candid]

 , lostinspace66!

You've given us a great summary of your life so far. A trauma therapist I consulted had a clientele chiefly composed of veterans, and she told me every one of them had CPTSD from childhood abuse. They chose the armed forces because it represented another dangerous family where their roles and what was expected of them were made explicit.

I'm sorry you find yourself in isolation, but you'll find a safe 'family' here where you can write about your experiences and are guaranteed people will 'get' it.

I've been very much on my own for a long time, too. but with the support of this forum I'm feeling more ready to face the world. Glad you found us!

[lostinspace66]

Hi

Thanks, I really don't know where to start, I have been working with the vet affairs therapist and we make great bounds, but he is the only one I can talk to, either I scare people away or something I don't know, I have a service dog that allows me to go outside the prison of my house

[Three Roses]

Welcome! Glad that you're here, thanks for joining!

[lostinspace66]

so, I suppose one of my questions......  How do you get yourself back out of house and around people again.  I have a deep distrust of people in general.  Acceptance that being alone is settling in, but sometimes the loneness is super hard

[Candid]

either I scare people away or something I don't know

I believe people treat us the way we treat ourselves. I doubt that you scare anyone, but CPTSD tends to saddle us with witch's messages of "no good", "different" etc., as well as the repressed anger showing through to others even when we're unaware of it ourselves.

How do you get yourself back out of house and around people again.  I have a deep distrust of people in general.

Therefore your expectation is of being treated badly. Some people will treat you badly, but the majority won't. The majority don't care. Another minority will see Who You Are and become close friends... but you usually have to sift through a lot of bad or indifferent to find them. If I were to get out of the house this evening, it would be to a special-interest group where the focus would be on a hobby or interest the members have in common. That way I know I start out as an equal.

It sounds as though you may not be ready to get out and about yet. In that case, use your isolation to find out what kinds of things you enjoy doing, read (here and elsewhere) about CPTSD and recovery, trawl your memories and feel your feelings -- IOW, get to know yourself and what a lovable person you are. Each day you get a bit better, and the isolation won't go on for ever.

[lostinspace66]

thank you Candid,

are there any support groups for CPTSD in (edited) Canada?  I have been to some military ones, but they just seem to complaint about vet affairs

I have re-connected with a hobby I had as a teen, restoring a car and that is where I hide.  I opened up to a long term friend about some "incidents" in Iraq and I could see the horror in her eyes, like I was a monster.  She left and never heard from her again other than to say sorry

[Blueberry]

Sometimes opening up with too much horror is difficult for the person listening. It's not that they don't care, but it's just too much. They don't know what to do with it.

I've never found a support group specifically for CPTSD. Some people find 12 Step groups a good source of support, some find them triggering. 

It's great that you've reconnected with a hobby!

If you go outside, even to the store or check your mailbox and it's difficult, you can try self-soothing. Tell yourself it's safe now, that you're not in a war zone and that your childhood is long past. It might feel a bit weird at first, telling yourself these things, but when we've been traumatised, bits of our emotions, and thoughts get stuck in the past and don't know we've moved forwards. So it's good to remind yourself.

Give yourself a pat on the back every time you manage to go out or even say 'hello' to someone. Small steps are important here. It will get easier with time.

[Three Roses]

I took out the precise location from your post and put in a general one. Hope that was OK

I wish that CPTSD support groups were a thing! I am going to ask my therapist if my HMO offers support groups just in general. Group therapy, something like that. In Australia, there's an organization called The Blue Knot Foundation (http://www.blueknot.org.au/), but there is no such thing here in the states. Kizzie lives in Canada too, and I think I've seen her say there are no support groups just for CPTSD there. Here in the States there used to be support groups for adult children of alcoholics, and survivors of CSA, but where I live there are currently none.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's reaction. I remember a time when I shared with a group of ladies. We were asked to talk about our background and when it came time for me to share, although I felt my background was no less horrific than the others who'd shared, i was met with stony silence and the remark, "If you don't want to share, you don't have to." I never went back to that "support" group. I felt even more alone and different after that experience, which is why I was seeking a group to talk with! Ugh.

I believe that as CPTSD becomes more widely recognized, we will see support groups springing up left & right. There has been some talk about some sort of meeting being organized here on the forum but I think that's at a stand-still until we can get our IT needs met.

In the meantime, talk all you want here and we will do our best to support you. you are NOT a monster, that's just ridiculous.

[Blueberry]

lostinspace, if the childhood abuse was sexual, then there are (or were?) two 12 Step groups: SIA and ISA. As far as I know both started in the States. I know that ISA went international, I don't know about SIA. But you could find out online. I stopped going to ISA a long time ago, partly because it was only for survivors of sexual abuse, whereas I thought the emotional abuse was far worse.

[lostinspace66]

Thanks for the words of encouragement,

My abuse as a child was physical from mother and a long term sexual abuse from a "friend of the family" who baby sat me.  like many abused children I went on to join the military at age 18, I also discovered alcohol.  I took the trade of bomb disposal operator and through various operational stress injuries, the memories of my childhood abuse came swarming back, like an endless tape mixed in with some new trauma.  In 2000, I left the military, was basically kicked out of my house and a new man moved in and I ran away as a contractor to various war zones to perform humanitarian defining all the time adding to my trauma in some of the most horrific ways possible.  I crashed in 2014 and ended up in hospital for a month and then went to rehab, I am proud to say, that I have more than 3 years sobriety

[Blueberry]

  Three years sober is great. 

[Kizzie]

Hi lostinspace, fellow Canadian here  I don't know of any groups anywhere in Canada for CPTSD specifically but as Blueberry suggests there may be groups for childhood abuse in your area.  Maybe try Googling and see.  The group may or may not know about CPTSD though, it's still relatively unknown even though the diagnosis was proposed in back in 1992.  Do you attend AA and if so, does it help?

Congrats on 3 years sober - given all that you have gone through and are dealing with that is truly a remarkable accomplishment and a great example of self-care and being on the road to recovery        and          and