Setting Sail--My Experiment to Find and Re-Frame a Life...

[woodsgnome]

A while back I felt a desire to stretch my comfort zone. But how...where...all the usual roadblocks seemed as solid as ever. Took some work, but I was able to figure something. So I'm leaving my forest hermitage-like safe haven for a big city 'retreat', as that's the locale for a small (approx. 7-10 people) 5-day intensive/interactive gathering. Five days away? No big deal for many. But it's literally the first overnight travel I've done in 12+ years. It's like a kid going on a  first campout (an odd twist considering that one of my earliest jobs was as a wilderness camping guide LOL; and here I am--'inward bound').

I expect...no thing, but hoping for lots of be-ing...with people, in a safe space, where we can--again, who knows? Expectations only clog the open channels. As the line below this post says: "We make our descent into darkness..."; this is only step one on an undefined journey of just being. My motivation was this line of Henry David Thoreau's I've always liked: "I did not want to live what was not life." I'm a tad scared of all this, but as Joseph Campbell would say if he were here: "Where you stumble and fall, there you will find gold." Still scared, but more okay with that, it's not causing me to back away as my 'normal' perfectionist 'have to control' ego would want me to do.

Lots of the willingness to venture out has been inspired from what I've learned about life on this forum. I've come to understand the possibility of finding real hope, that there is care and compassion in the world, even if it's often elusive. On this forum I've found and admired people who--in spite of their rough ride--have reached out to share and seek help for the scars that only those who've 'been there' quite understand.

The moorings cut, the ship is setting out...

[Three Roses]

So excited to see where this takes you!

[radical]

 

[sanmagic7]

wow, woodsgnome, what an adventure!  i hope you'll let us know how it goes.  sounds like a plan to keep the channels open.  i'm very happy for you!  best!!!   big hug!

[Kizzie]

Smooth sailing Woodsgnome, please let us know how and what you are doing     

[Wife#2]

Oh, to set sail - I'm so glad you're able to do this! I hope the adventure is tons more healing and joyful and awakening than you could have known to hope - and you are wonderfully open to hope. Enjoy the journey. We look forward to tales of your travels when you return to us. 

[woodsgnome]

Returning to harbour, dropping anchor

I'm only a couple days past ending a 5-day intensive that is impossible to adequately describe. But maybe just saying it was powerful 'medicine' makes for the best description. I know, that's vague but there are no detailed descriptions that would do it justice. My bottom line is that I feel better about life than I have in a long while, if ever.

Here's a partial list of its effect on me (one of 8 participants); I found peace, joy, catharsis, heartbreak, intense sharing, deep meditation, meaningful interactions with people who've traveled across multiple parts of the trauma landscape. The workshop wasn't focused on those old stories, however; they were there of course, always riding along, but the focus was shifted into now and beyond--reclaiming one's own power to change themselves, and the world. In other words, the workshop wasn't a me/me activity; rather it was me-you-us-all, if you follow my drift. I tentatively realized what I want my future direction to take--less ruminations on my 'old movie' and more on the new direction of venturing past my comfort zone a little more. To where I just live to my highest calling, without needing to be so careful of comfort zones at all. This includes accepting where I've been, sure. But with eyes reset forward, and less reference to the rearview mirror.

Of the effects, I have to say catharsis and the peace and comfort afterwards were the strongest, enabling me to release much of my pain and also safely sharing in the peaceful aftermath. This may seem scary, or even odd, and it most certainly starts out that way. But I've been wanting to feel genuine release for years, and the closeness and bonding that resulted from this experience, even the moments of cathartic release, were well worth the painful parts.

Even forgiveness, always a stumbling block for me, found relevance via a guided trip with my workshop's support partner (we met as a whole group of 8, 2 subgroups of 4, and solos with our support partners). While it's not like forgiving an actual abuser face-to-face, it's the next best approach, whereby the support partner becomes the surrogate for the missing actual person. And you serve the same role for them. This was gut-wrenching and emotional, but on the other side it seemed to release lots of tension. Surprised me but wonderfully so. Suspending the impossible/I can't do this notion was a key.

Oh, my--did I mention catharsis? Yep, often a guided procedure whereby yes, you dive into the usual fear-infested waters of anger and grief, and are allowed to vent without hesitation or fear of doing it right or being judged for the emotions that surface. Guided carefully but safely, this too can merge the painful elements into soothing peace, like stepping out of years of shame and inability to deal with things. I've had therapists, read tons, listened endlessly to taped lectures and the like, and never experienced the full power of catharsis handled in a safe manner.

Safely sharing was the key. When I say intense, I mean close but well-directed sharing. There's no way to hide in a group of 8 people for 5 days. In this case, the group leader's approach is flexible based on her 30+ years of doing this with groups. No one was forced to follow a certain way or react per the leader's directives. It's also not an 'encounter' group like some of those old 70's-80's awful-sounding mishaps. No one was forced to do anything, but it was so cool to have these ways to get out of that cozy but lonely comfort zone. And emerge safely, trusting life, sharing in a peace so calm it too defies description.

I don't really know if these sorts of events are commonly available and/or advisable for some (the applications for this one required, if applicable, a therapist's assent that the participant is stable enough to handle what might come up). I'd rather not give out the contact info on this forum. I'm not even sure if the workshop leader has plans for any more. She writes and does other modalities--meetings, discussion groups, 1-2 day workshops; but it doesn't seem a sure thing she'll offer further intensives anytime soon (they tend to drain her as much as the participants).

My own fatigued but happier state of being is still lingering; and I'm not about to hurry and chase it away. Strange, though, how feeling content seems almost weird, as it's so unfamiliar. I remember a discussion about 'returning to the real world' once the intensive ended. Except--that was the real world too; a world of peace emerging from intense pain, not just in theory but I actually experienced it. My therapist even noted that I smiled, a lot, during our first after-meeting. I think it threw her a bit, in a nice way, to be dealing with my new outlook. Only a few short months ago I was on the edge of finding a way out via suicide.

Have to stop writing this, but I never want the glow to leave until it becomes my real world.   

[Kizzie]

Wow Woodsgnome, truly happy for you!!! 

[Wife#2]

This is so wonderful to hear! And the hope! It's beautiful to hear how much hope has been brought to you! <celebrating your healing moments >