feelings

[texannurse]

I really struggle to feel anything when I talk about my past. I mean, I get angry sometimes, but never sad or hurt - I've never shed a tear about what happened to me. Is that normal? My therapist said people who don't shed tears on the outside rust from the inside. Maybe I'm just not emotional... I don't cry at movies or feel deeply touched by anything sad.

[Healing Finally]

Hi texannurse    My gut instinct is that you are blocking yourself from feeling deep feelings.  I have to say though, I don't think you can "rust" !  Obviously your T is using this as a metaphor, although I'm not sure how helpful it is; other than to say it's not healthy. 

I am not sure how you can help yourself to allow yourself to feel deeper feelings.  Maybe you are blocking empathy for yourself, somehow you may still be feeling (imposed) guilt for the past.  Have you done much reading on your "Inner Child" ?

[texannurse]

No, I have not done much inner child reading - it seems too intense for me to handle right now.

[Three Roses]

You will know when it's time. Too soon, and you can re traumatize yourself. Best to do it when your inner children (a lot of us have more than one) are ready to come out and be taken care of lovingly. Support is necessary. Hugs and good vibes to you!

[Blackbird]

Hey texannurse!

Until two weeks ago I felt that way too. I was a bit in shock because I always thought my family was dysfunctional but never thought about it as abuse. Than my therapist said that some things were downright abusive and I went to read about it. A week later I was crying.

I stopped reading to not retraumatize myself, and I'm having more appointments with my therapist now.

With time it will come to you.

[Blueberry]

My experience has been similar to ThreeRoses.
The first time I cried was for somebody else in inpatient therapy. Then I began to be able to cry a bit for me. Many years ago now. Before that, I felt only anger and fear. Anger was the one emotion allowable when I was growing up, tho not for me of course, but for others in FOO. I guess it was the easiest emotion for me to feel.

I don't cry so easily any more. So when I do, there's something really big going on. Sometimes when feeling sad/hurt I feel tears behind my eyes. Which sounds a bit weird, until I read exactly that from somebody else somewhere.

And yes, support is necessary, especially to avoid re-traumatisation.

[sanmagic7]

i was great at crying for everything and everyone else, including tv and movies, and it's only been recently that i figured out that my tears were misplaced.  i was crying for all that i had missed or had lost in my own life.

i think it's part of our process, and as we continue in recovery, the light will dawn and we will know.  i agree not to force it.  i've also heard that anger and/or laughter can be a way to cover up our tears.  so, i believe they're in there.  they need time.  i'm not so sure about the rust metaphor, either.  i wouldn't worry about that.

we all come to the reality of our emotions in different ways and at different times.  yours will be there when you're ready.  best to you with this.  big hug!