scapegoating vs. favouritism

[Blueberry]

I was reading in 100 Traits of Personality Disorders since I'd be kind of interested in figuring out what F is, though maybe he just has fleas. Anyway, Favouritism and Scapegoating caught my eye. Yes, I am a family SG, the main one, though sometimes B1 played the role. M played us against each other. She told me my problems were due to him and told him his problems were due to me. That came out though, in M's presence. That didn't seem to bother her at all, no embarrassment, no need to explain. Just sat there in the air. More me feeling stupid for believing it, or me feeling betrayed.

But when I see this word "favouritism" instead of Golden Child a rush of past stuff comes back. M was constantly harping on to me about being 'favoured' by her MIL and BIL (so my GM and uncle). Because she couldn't get back at them about it or maybe it wasn't even true, she took it out on me. They'd accused her of favouring B1 over me (at least this is the story....) so her 'logical reaction' was to blame me and continue to favour B1 even more. It just went on and on. We actually lived on a different continent from GM and uncle, so it's not as if I saw them much and they didn't 'favour' me in any overt ways, like bigger presents or more money or anything. No, it was just they suggested to M and F that M and F should maybe look at what was going on, that maybe I wasn't in a good state (after a visit at my GM's). I was so hurt by hateful remarks from M being directed at me: "You're so gullible. You believe anything anybody says to you." "Favouring is nasty." For crying out loud, I wasn't favouring anybody!! And even if I had been being favoured by GM, that wouldn't have been my fault. I was 9 years old!! I didn't cause it. I couldn't have changed it. But it got worse, my M decided that since I was favoured by GM and U, she 'd favour B1 to balance things out.    Good parenting skills. Not. Good relationship skills. Not. (As I've mentioned before, sarcasm played a big role in my FOO, and I revert to it in my head when things are painful.) Sounds like tit-for-tat in the playground. And where was F during all this? Apparently didn't notice. Or as he said a couple of years ago, the idea that he (along with M) could possibly have favoured B1 was ridiculous because personality-wise he felt closer to me. It was nice to hear, but it doesn't really add up. It's still a case of: he'll support me so long as M's interests and B1's interests don't get in the way. Enough of this rant.

[Blackbird]

I can relate to so much of this. Since my teens I'm the scapegoat, my oldest sister is the Golden Child, my middle sister is the favourite. Roles between me and middle sister reversed after childhood because I grew up acting out and she did everything right. My mother isn't their mother, but might as well be because she plays favourites there. The other day I heard that I'm a difficult person to deal with, my T disagrees, I don't know where I stand on that yet. Guess it has to do with all the acting out, making us "difficult to deal with", no self-awareness on their part, obviously.

My father did what he pleased, even said he refused to be a parent and prefered to be left alone with his alcohol. We all said okay, years after that (Trigger warning) we saw him almost dead without an ability to move from his bed for days on end with empty bottles next to him, you can imagine the horror. Then a few months of stability again, then aggressiveness again and blaming everyone else for his problems, especially his children.

Can't blame my sisters, though, they went through a lot. I was always the one that needed rescuing, and nobody came to help until it was almost too late. Nowadays we don't talk that much, my birthday was last month and they forgot to call.

We need to have patience to deal with all the emotions at once, don't let the anger consume us and try to look objectively to our reactions. It's hard, isn't it?

[Candid]

The other day I heard that I'm a difficult person to deal with...

Oh, I had that from M, what a "difficult" child I "always was". You wouldn't believe (or maybe you would) how my efforts not to be difficult have crippled me, made me avoid people to the point of appearing rude; made me keep saying no to promotions in my career; made it impossible for me to ask for help, except from professionals; made me "difficult" to deal with; made me just want to disappear and not exist.

None of this has gone away. Today and many days now I wish I were gasping my last in an anonymous hospital where the nursing staff haven't noticed. I surely wouldn't press my buzzer. God forbid, they might rush in and save me!

It's acutely painful for me, every minute of living where I'm living, and I've run out of places to run to. I hate waking up in the mornings. I've started to dread going to bed, because as soon as the light goes out my mind starts desperately looking for a Way Out. Most nights there isn't a single happy thought to be found,

And oh yeah, I was the perpetual scapegoat. There was no role-switching in my FOO. To be seen or heard was to be in trouble. Merely to exist was a crime.

I don't know how I've lasted this long.

[Blackbird]

Oh Candid, thank you. You've just made me realize something. I never ask for help. I guess I just always assumed no one would help me. Just recently, due to my mental disorders and my T, I've learned to trust in my doctors (therapist and psychiatrist) who together figured out I was abused as a child and made me confront it.

I sure do understand being the scapegoat and not relying on anyone, even if it means the end for us. The true meaning behind self destructive, when we don't learn to care for ourselves.

Rushing memories now, I need to take a breather. Will go for a walk now.

[Candid]

I never ask for help. I guess I just always assumed no one would help me.

Me too. I lost my house because I was out of the country when the area flooded, and there was no-one I felt able to ask to help me.

I sure do understand being the scapegoat and not relying on anyone, even if it means the end for us. The true meaning behind self destructive, when we don't learn to care for ourselves.

Exactly. I'm just going through the motions now, unable to reach for anything better.

[Blackbird]

Be strong, Candid