Sabatoge, help

[Supervixn87]

I love the man I'm with very much. He tries his hardest to prove he loves me too, but I'm sure as I've ever been that I ruined everything.

While at a viewing for his uncle who passed, his sister was obviously making it a point to ignore him. I asked him what her problem was, he didn't know, so I suggested it was because he spent her birthday weekend out of town with me. Mind you, we are all adults and he did call and text her on her birthday.

Hypervigilence helps me pick things up quicker than most, I'm sure most of you feel the same about it.  So I made an effort to reach out to her right then, I said hey happy belated birthday, and tried to talk to her a few small times which is out of my character. She blew me off.

Then his brothers gf made it a point that he didn't show up for the birthday and they kind of threw an x symbol toward him and just made him seem like he was a jerk for not being there.

This triggered me immediately, as he has expressed before to me that he feels like he is ignoring his family to spend time with my daughter and I.  I never ASK him to come, he just does and its become standard that he drives out to see us.

Anyway, I immediately felt so much anger and rage I could barely contain myself.  I said a lot of hurtful things to him when we left the building.  The worst you could imagine, well multiply that by 100 and that's about what it was.

What pissed me off I think is the feeling of being completely defenseless and uncared for. Its just a pervasive feeling that has always been there and gets provoked which in turn makes me very defensive. Then feeling faulted as though I've kept him from his own family which I haven't. Then him defending his adult sister to me as though my feelings were not as important as something throwing a passive aggressive tantrum.  It's obvious this passive aggression sulking thing has worked most her life.

I'm angry because i never had a voice and if something hurt me I didn't have anyone to give a *. Her birthday was missing her brother, but she was treated and taken out to dinner which her parents paid for.  I was lucky to have my mom even call me on my birthday and wish me a happy one.  Besides my boyfriend, no one else reached out or wished me one or anything.

I'm confused because I feel like I have every right to be angry.  But I feel my anger is misdirected and disproportionate to the situation. I was absurdly unkind to my boyfriend.  I feel bad, and he's at the funeral now with his family.  I dont want to excuse my behavior, but I don't know how to explain it. I've told him more about my life than anyone in this entire world,  and although he is a patient, considerate and understanding man, i dont feel I deserve him because I can be so unkind and venomous.

How do you guys cope with these situations?  It makes me feel hopeless and like I will never be able to be normal or have healthy happy relationships because I unconsciously do all I can to sabotage and ruin things. Help please

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Supervixn87 

Not sure, but it seems like what you experienced might have been an emotional flashback? If so, then I've found this to be a good resource: http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.

[Supervixn87]

Hello! Thank you I'll check that out now!

[Three Roses]

Hi and welcome!

A lot of us - myself included - have become experts at damage control, heh heh. When triggered, my response is either to withdraw or, if I can't, I get defensive which comes across sometimes as hostile, or "fight".

Your bf sounds wonderful. And mourningdove gave you an excellent tool in that link! But sometimes there's nothing to do but apologize and try to explain. As you familiarize and educate yourself on cptsd, you'll be able to share with him what you've learned and he'll hopefully be understanding.

Thanks for joining!

[Supervixn87]

Thank you. And that link was great i appreciate that.