Healthily Expressing Emotions

[joyful]

I have a really hard time with this. I swing between keeping all my emotions inside and using the people close to me as "emotional dumpsters". There is no in between for me. It makes me really sad, cuz I know that it can turn manipulative, which I don't want to be at all! I'm scared that I'm gonna turn out like F  I'm terrified that I'll turn manipulative I know I'm not doing it intentionally, but... I don't even know how to healthily express my negative emotions. In my childhood I was taught that I wasn't allowed to have negative emotion, so things build up inside me until they explode. I don't know what I'm saying here, but I realized this and it's scaring me

[mourningdove]

I understand and relate to this 100%, joyful. I wasn't allowed to have negative emotions either as a kid. It sounds to me like you are on the right track. I mean, there are a lot of people who don't even know that they do this. You know that the tendency is there, so you can work on changing it. And there is nothing to be ashamed of, because you know that this happens because of not having been able to have negative emotions as a kid. That reflects negatively only on your caretaker(s). It's not your fault.

[Blueberry]

Joyful, I can understand and relate, though in my FOO things were a bit different in that emotions usually seen as positive weren't allowed either, no, they were ridiculed.    I'd say that the first step is being aware that there's a problem. You've done the first step already  . Bit by bit you'll find ways in between the two extremes and be able to build on these middle ways.

[Candid]

I don't even know how to healthily express my negative emotions.

Classic assertiveness involves telling the other person what you feel about their speech or actions. Examples:

When you laugh at me I feel hurt.
When you go out in the evening I feel abandoned.
When you leave the dishes for me to do I feel angry.

Of course it feels unnatural, and it was unimaginable when we were children. It has to be learned and practised, perhaps worded in a less stilted way -- as long as it describes the problem and names the feeling.

I was upset when I realised you'd opened my mail.

And never let anyone tell you "You shouldn't feel that way". Feelings are spontaneous, and all of yours are as valid as anyone else's. The beauty of assertiveness is that it's the mildest form of confrontation, it boosts self-esteem, it prevents 'things' festering in relationships ... and it starts chipping away at long-held grievances because we realise we can stand up for ourselves.

[sanmagic7]

hey, joyful, i can relate.

one thing that's helped me with not dumping neg. emotions on people has been to write them out, like in an anger journal or a letter that i'm not gonna send.  getting it out of me was, for me, the very most important part.  on paper or the screen, i could let fly every word that came to mind, whether it was cussing, name-calling, whatever.

after getting the crud out this way, where it wouldn't hurt anyone, i was more prepared to present my emotions in a rational, assertive way to another person if that's what i wanted to do.  i think it also gave me some extra strength to be able to do so. 

best to you with this.  being real by expressing our thoughts and feelings goes a long way to being true to ourselves, i think.  big hug, joyful.

[joyful]

thank you all for your replies 
I'm glad I'm not the only one!

That reflects negatively only on your caretaker(s). It's not your fault.

Thank you for this mourningdove. I sighed with relief when I read that. It isn't my fault, but I have to take accountability for fixing it now.

emotions usually seen as positive weren't allowed either, no, they were ridiculed. 

Wow... I'm so sorry Blueberry. 

all of yours are as valid as anyone else's.

That is super good advice, thanks Candid. That's something I need to remember. I don't have to bury my feelings while taking on others' "stuff"...I don't have to be an emotional dumpster either

one thing that's helped me with not dumping neg. emotions on people has been to write them out, like in an anger journal or a letter that i'm not gonna send.

That's a good idea sanmagic, I'm gonna try it.

Thank you all again