I can't emotionally connect because I don't trust myself

[still_lost]

This is my first post in this forum, I hope I'm in the right place. Thank you for creating this!

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage (gaslighting) from 2002-2004, I was very young & am still carrying around the lies from that time. It has been a week since it went from 'that was a bad marriage' & thinking I was over it to 'there is a name for what happened to me?' & getting so much clarity on inexplicable decisions I made in my life since then, why I get startled so easily, why I have night terrors, why I feel trapped ALL THE TIME... because the symptoms seemed completely unrelated to each other - and the trauma.

The reason I thought I was 'over him', is because I don't think of him at all anymore unless he writes me - I guess I should really block him, I've just been weirdly curious & flattered - and I very recently even got over my body issues that he created. But if I'm being honest with myself, I still would be terrified to give him my address, because he would come find me - and I am afraid that I could get roped back in. I don't trust myself to not abandon ME and my truth again.. and so I hide, run, hide, run. I call it a nomadic lifestyle and 'being an extroverted introvert'... 

I have an incredible life, my own biz & great friends and family.. except that I haven't been in a relationship for 5 years, because I kept losing myself when I was emotionally involved, trying to please my partner - and that just messed everything up. The only place I feel safe, is when I am by myself. Any time I dated recently I had to break it off after a few months because I felt NOTHING and I didn't want to string them along.

I am considered so 'strong' amongst my friends and so 'courageous' for living all over the world... but I'm just trying not to be trapped again. I am SO SCARED that I would just lose myself again like I did then. I was so far gone  ...it took everything I had - despite him threatening suicide and all other horrible things - to get out.

I have done all of this on my own for over a decade because I was so ashamed that I 'let him' do this to me. I tried to just let time take care of it - except it hasn't. I am a bit defeated looking at all the work ahead, but I really would love to have a partner in life. I would like to feel what it's like to be in love - the real kind - and to be physically close to someone without them having an agenda.

I am so grateful for this forum, for an explanation, C-PTSD, for tools and support. Please let me know if you've had a similar experience or if you can relate.

[writetolife]

Welcome still_lost.  I'm glad you're here.

Even though I've never been married, there is much here that I relate with.

Why I get startled so easily, why I have night terrors, why I feel trapped ALL THE TIME... because the symptoms seemed completely unrelated to each other - and the trauma.

This is really hard, isn't it?  Doctors don't connect what you're experiencing to trauma necessarily and neither do you.  So you just end up feeling like you're a drama queen who needs to quite figuring out how to have nightmares.   

because I kept losing myself when I was emotionally involved, trying to please my partner - and that just messed everything up.

I've never been in a serious romantic relationship, but have spent (and am still in the process of getting away from) multiple decades of abuse by a parent, and I felt like I lost myself, too - if I ever had a chance to find myself in the first place.  And so, one of the reasons I've never been in a serious relationship is because I'm afraid of losing what little of myself I've found.  I can really relate to that fear.  I also don't know if I can be in a committed relationship without just becoming what I think the other person wants me to be. 

I'm proud of you for leaving that person and for staying away.  That's a real feat.  Congrats for reaching out here.  It isn't easy.  But I want to let you know that, as you are ready to share, people here really are amazing.  They're kind and supportive and patient, and ever so ready to say, "no, you aren't crazy.  I've experience that, too."

[still_lost]

THANK YOU @writetolife - yes, I just recently connected with a good friend that has been outspoken about her emotional abuse - and she also had never heard of C-PTSD and just said 'it makes SO MUCH SENSE now'. I only found out about it through the rabbit hole that is the interwebs... and I'm going to tell everyone I meet about it now..

You are voicing exactly what I feel like too - as long as I don't get involved, I am not in danger. Unfortunately that is not a sustainable option... but I'm trying to learn to love the part of me that tucked my 'self' away so he wouldn't be able to touch it.

I am so sorry to hear about your experience. What strength you have to keep going and to voice your fears and your loss here to empathise with me and make me feel welcome. You just reminded me that as long as we feel it, it is real. A couple of people around me are saying 'get over it already' - one of them being my mom. It's hard to say 'no', LISTEN. She is an incredibly caring person, so I know she will hear me eventually, and your words just empowered me to keep on.

The long road ahead, I suppose. At least I only had a couple of years of it - I wouldn't know where to begin if it had been decades. I don't think I would have been able to leave. I had a narcissistic father, and he treated my mom terribly apparently (I don't remember my childhood at all) - so I don't know what other monsters I am going to uncover in this process.

Thank you for being here, for responding, for making me feel safe. <3

[Wanttothrive]

Welcome, still_lost!    I am so sorry you have gone through all of this. You are brave to 'bring it to the light' in sharing. Thank you. I recently began to understand Abuse and c-ptsd. In therapy I am learning how to relate better with others: how to trust and how to tell who to trust. This takes time so please be gentle with yourself and the person who was abused. Therapy helps a lot.

I too look totally strong, together and successful on the outside. But after awhile that became lonely and kind of dishonest to my inner self, which was burned, ashamed and hurting. The yearning for relationship and depth of sharing led me back to therapy. I am blessed with a kind, loving husband and that helps too.

Whether Abuse was for a short time or a lifetime, it is damaging. But there is hope and healing with time. Thanks again for sharing a bit of your story.

[sanmagic7]

welcome, still_lost, very glad you're here.

very cool that you were able to share about c-ptsd with a friend and it made sense.  it sounds like you can be support people for each other.  that is great!

i think trusting ourselves can be a real challenge, given everything we've been through, how it stripped so much of our own self away.  i do believe that as you continue in recovery and find the pieces of you that have been lost, your self-trust will come back, and with it your trust that you will be able to take care of yourself no matter who's around.

best to you with this.  it can be a bumpy ride, but it's do-able.  big hug to you.