Blueberry's Journal

[Hope66]

Great that you can talk about that topic with your T tomorrow, Blueberry and I hope it goes well.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks, Hope. It did go well.


So, I finally started crying last night. Just a little tiny bit. But then in T a whole lot more came out. It's what I read over at OOTF from people who've been through it before: going various degrees of VLC to NC brings you to a point where you end up grieving and mourning for the parent and/or FOO you never had. I have a family-of-origin in name only. The pain of that is becoming less cognitive and more something I can really feel.

F seems to have realised that there's no meaningful contact coming from me, just the occasional email answering an 'administrative' question. He points out that he's sad. Well, me too. In fact last summer when this all came to a head, I was absolutely devastated. Now probably part of me is devastated. Probably some of the Inner Cs, whereas I think my Adult is just really, really sad. I think it's so sad that I have one parent who does actually care about me in a way but not enough to question what has been going on in his own marriage for 50 years and not enough to stand up to his wife or elder son in order to protect me. Not then. Not now. Not ever. In our family he's traditionally been seen as a victim. I saw him that way too for a long time. How warped is that? You're in your teens and in your twenties, thirties, later and see your parent as a victim, but not yourself. Not your poor little inner selves including the pre-teens who were desperate for love and protection. Anyway, I don't see him as a victim anymore. He took the easy way out. If he were able to really look at his part in this, then maybe I could see him as a victim too. But he's not able apparently.

That's all I can write on that.

My therapist said that I've made an absolutely gigantic step towards healing today. He also said this thought that I've been doing 'nothing' for a week is not true. I've been making space and time for this painful realisation to come up. I even thought yesterday that 'for all I'm doing otherwise' I might as well have kept my Little Furry Creatures (except that it's better for them to be having proper care atm) but my T disagreed here too. Can't remember his exact reasoning but I figured out myself that it's something like since I no longer have them to pour my affection and caring into, I've hit some sort of rock bottom which I probably wouldn't otherwise have hit now. Later maybe, even months from now. But it's so much better for this gigantic step to come today / last night.

There is more on this, though some I put in my RL diary too. However, for the moment that's all I can write in this entry.

I could certainly do with 

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you 3Roses. I'm still feeling tearful so it's good to get hugs.

[Hope66]

 

Joining in with this Group Hug Blueberry and 3 Roses.

Blueberry - glad it went ok.  Your therapist saying that you have made a "an absolutely gigantic step toward healing today" - that is really good.

[Blueberry]

Thank you, Hope. 

[Blueberry]

I feel sad again. I've been sitting with the sadness. I got up today before noon  and I was able to sleep better. I did a few chores in the morning, like laundry and some tidying and a bit of shopping. Also dropped by on the Long-Term Unemployed group I sometimes go to and had some tea and dropped off some food somebody gave to me which I don't eat. (That's good because it's called decluttering the kitchen.) Didn't stay long. The last thing I did before coming on to the computer was hang up the laundry. I didn't feel like it, I felt too sad, but I did. Because if I don't it might well remain a few days wet in the laundry basket which will make more work in the end. Doing laundry is a bit like washing dishes for me - a chore I can get on with fairly easily after a down phase and helps me feel that things are moving again.
So coming onto OOTS is a kind of reward for getting up and getting on with things. And then for keeping the sadness on hold a few more minutes while I hung up the laundry. I used to think I felt too tired and exhausted to do these minor jobs, but now I realise that sometimes I actually feel far too sad, or far too confused (because not able to distinguish which feeling) or something like that.
So I'm sad at all this family stuff. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sorry to hear about the sadness, Blueberry. It will pass. Hopefully really soon. At least you got the laundry done! It's good to celebrate the little things. ^-^ The little things can feel so difficult to do some days.

[Blueberry]

Yes, the sadness will pass. I'm not frightened of it or worried by it, now that I know what's going on. In fact, I think it's healing. It would be strange if I didn't feel sadness at what's going on in me, the realisations.

Years ago, F said to M that if she ever wanted to see B1 again, she'd better apologise to him! He said that in front of me. She did apologise.
F is busy wondering why I'm pulling more and more back. Well, if he (and anybody else in the family) ever want any kind of meaningful communication with me again, they have to look at the family dysfunction as a whole. They have to look at their own issues, not just scapegoat me. I know they won't. That's part of the sadness.

It's grieving really. Not just grieving for the non-existence of a family but also sadness that there's a family member (F), enF needless to say, who's so blind and so, well, enabling that there's no way he'd ever say to M (or anybody else in FOO), you'd better apologise to Blueberry if you ever want to see her again! He doesn't even know himself that there's anything he could or should apologise to me for. Not that I'd accept just an apology (the way they're done in my FOO), I'd want a change in behaviour too. I know I'm not going to get either.

Wasting so much time, giving FOO chances etc. I know that's a point, but I'm not feeling that deep down yet. It's more the sadness at the blindness of F, and the knowledge that there's nothing I can say that can or will change him. He made his choice, and it wasn't for protecting me against abuse, scapegoating etc. He's not all bad but he's too uncaring for me, too wrapped up in caring for others, like M. It's his choice. You can't have your cake and eat it too. That's for him, not me.

This is more an explanation of my sadness than anything else and good for me to find words for it. I don't want to be rude or sound ungrateful but I don't need anybody to tell me that this is how dysfunctional families work. I know, I've known for a while. It's getting visceral now though. I'm really feeling it. It's this that my T says is a huge step forward in healing and will bring a whole lot of good changes in its wake.

[Blueberry]

I first wrote this as a reply to James' post on his crying therapist, but then thought it was a bit too much of a hijack, so have it here instead: I remembered on Tuesday in therapy how in a group therapy setting about a year ago, a therapist cried for me. I had requested a family constellation and both therapists insisted on one therapist being behind me the whole time to protect me from the overpowering feelings coming from FOO. I said first that having had no such protection last time I was with FOO, I didn't need it in a family constellation ( in hindsight), but they insisted. I did feel during the constellation, enough to feel what was going on, including viscerally, and to react to those standing in for family members. But when I turned round to disengage the therapist from her role as my protector, I saw the tears streaming down her face. It took her a little bit to recover too. She's known me for a long time and has worked with me. She's also an experienced therapist - seen and felt a lot. So not overwhelmed as a newbie or anything. I was shocked but also moved. She bore the brunt of all this pain for me, and it was so bad that even she as a detached and removed person couldn't stop crying for the duration.

Conversely, I first started crying for other patients in inpatient therapy, a couple of weeks before I started to cry for myself. A couple of weeks being quite long in inpatient therapy. I just used to well up.

[Blueberry]

As usual read around and answer other people's posts before I get down to posting for myself, which is what I came on to do. I posted earlier in the day too, thinking that if I allowed myself to do that, I might not come on at night and post half the night instead of sleeping. Well, that didn't turn out exactly. I was playing Patience with myself again. I have 2 decks of cards, one with animals and one with trees, so I can learn the tree types and Latin names while I go and some new animals too.

I noticed while playing Patience that it's so automatic that I was ruminating while doing it. I don't think ruminating is all bad. I think this is partly what my T means when he says I'm allowing myself time and space for things to come up.

As I posted somewhere else (prob. The Potting Shed), I notice that without my Little Furry Creatures to provide for, I'm going into the garden less, and picking and eating wild herbs aka weeds less. I'm doing less of all sorts of things which are good for me.  OTOH not having a bale of hay in the house means I have a lot fewer moths around - this is all to the good. They like my wool clothes too much and I'm very much attached to my wool clothes including wool socks which I wear almost all year.

But I'm thinking: how can I keep Little Furry Creatures without the care and upkeep becoming overwhelming? There are some ideas coming...

I remember a couple of friends wondering if I'd get out of bed at all if I didn't have my LFC to look after, and this worry is starting to look as if it's based in reality. I had thought if I didn't have them any more, I would have more time for other things, including the garden. Some part of me - my 6 year old - really likes being outside, especially pottering in the garden. But I'm not doing that. I knew that without LFC I'd have more money for myself, but OTOH they were a reason to keep going earning money, a reason that I don't always feel for myself. Without them, I could just curl up in bed and give up. Nobody needs me on a day-to-day basis and there's nobody on a day-to-day basis who gives me what they did.    I know people say that animals can't give you what people can, e.g. my animals can't hug me and they're not much into being stroked by humans either, but I'm discovering that people can't give me what my animals did either.

However, I'm seeing this as a learning experience rather than as a mistake. Which is progress in itself.  A little while ago when someone asked me when I might get some pets again, I said airily "in 10 years", thinking "maybe never". Now I'm having second thoughts on that. It comes back down to: how can I provide for them without exhausting myself? One way might be spending more money, e.g. buying bagged hay rather than farmer bales, because bagged hay doesn't bring so many moths in. Or seeing if my present vet would be open to boarding a pet or two when health care gets too much for me LFC do get ill sometimes, especially when I'm in a bad way. My old vet, since retired, used to take them occasionally, when she noticed I couldn't keep going with medication or pipette feeding. She'd say to one of them: "You're coming to stay with Auntie for a few days." Or is there some acquaintance who'd drop by and do it for pay?

How do I afford to spend more money? Well, theoretically I'll inherit a lot and supposedly I'll get a whole lot of that before either of my parents pass on, quite soon in fact. That's the plan. But I can't bank on that until I really have the money. Since things could go 'wrong' i.e. my biggest fear that my pulling back and setting boundaries and being in very VLC will be punished in some way. Though about 10 years ago FOO was shocked at the very idea that I might worry about that. But it's a worry again. Whether or not FOO might still be shocked.

[Blueberry]

I notice there's a reason for my being up at all hours on here. I feel safe in the night. Nobody's going to knock on my door or ring my bell. I don't feel compelled to answer anything. I can just be here with my tears or my tear-stained face. My computer is in my office space, so in the daytime it's conceivable that a potential client could drop by. Really unlikely, but possible. That alone would prevent me from reaching the deep-down sadness I've been feeling and expressing in Unsent Letters.

I also know that some of you others on here might suggest I set up a computer or Internet or both in my apartment. But unfortunately that's not the answer because the tiniest little setting up of any kind sends me into an EF of utter exhaustion. I do set up or install things from time to time but the endeavour is not to be taken lightly, putting it mildly.

[Blueberry]

I came onto OOTS because I feel somewhat lonely. I have a mild stomach bug, which means that I'm staying away from people IRL and also that I slept and/or lay in bed and read most of today. Since I don't feel that I need a break psychologically-speaking, it's a bit of a downer. But it's also the way it is.

It's also the first of October and well and truly fall. I'm wondering as usual how I'm going to manage the next months since I seem to be getting ill all the time, either physically or psychologically or both. Neither is conducive to work and earning money.
I'll maybe read a while on here, but may be short on commenting on others' posts since my brain feels numbish and I need my energy for other things, like getting better. 

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,

I am glad to see you here today, because I had missed you in the forum the last couple of days - so sorry to hear you're suffering from that stomach bug, and also that you're feeling a bit lonely - glad you came here - sending you a  if that's ok. 

I was just in my Journal, and my mind went blank - literally - couldn't think - then I spotted you'd written here in your Journal, and I just want to wish you the best for a speedy recovery.

Autumn is a month for colds, bugs,  and stuff like that - but if you're feeling 'run down' then you will be more susceptible to those - so take extra care of yourself and hopefully you'll feel stronger and healthier as time goes on.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much Hope for your reply. A hug is great!

My mind quite often goes blank like yours did when you were in your Journal, so it's quite apt that you then wrote in mine. 

You're right, autumn is a time for colds and bugs, but somehow I'd forgotten it was autumn! The weather has been so nice and sunny here the past few days, and not even a frost at night here yet.