I tried self defense class

[Coco]

Hi 

***I would like to mention that I am going to be discussing domestic violence towards the end of this post. so please be mindful if discussion of men's violence against women, as well as violence against children, is disturbing to you right now. Perhaps you can skip that bit***

Another disclaimer: I am so spazzed out, in my brain, my poor old frontal lobe is shot from all the stress, and I am still largely frozen. Also, the experience I am trying to convey is totally new to me, and very intricate. The visuals, perceptions and sensations are very important - the details are very important to me. My trauma is all in visuals, perceptions and sensations as well.
This means I have to write it out reallllly methodically, so that I can unpack it and understand it myself. All this is to say this is probably going to be very long, detailed and full of unnecessary points. Sorry in advance! Again, skip bits that seem irrelevent if you find yourself in here

My body had been on a 3 week bender of absolutely hammering stress hormones through itself - constant hyperarousal, terror, panic, intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, paralysis, no hygiene, no eating, numbing, dissociating, you know the drill.

I read van der Kolk's book and really related to so many of his ideas for treatment, one of them being self defense classes or the equivalent. He suggests something-or-other Mugging.

The theory is sound, to my mind. It acknowledges that having had experience of violence as a youngster, and being unable at the time to defend oneself, the body has strong memory of being very vulnerable, and that is the source of many of the panic messages. A good treatment for people whose bodies are traumatised like that is to give their bodies the polar opposite experience and new memory of being able to defend itself.

Through happy coincidence, someone happened to mention that she was bruised from self defense class, days after I decided I wished I could do those classes. This was very fortuitous because I didn't think they were available in my town. I got the details from her and attended. I came very close to bailing the night of the class but ended up going into an autopilot mode and took myself there.

The name of the class available to me is 'Krav Maga'.

The one I attended is taught by three guys, each sporting a black belt in some martial art or another. One main guy does the teaching and the other two help him demonstrate the moves, then assist the students as we move around re-enacting and practicing the movements they've just shown us.

It was a large class, full of GUYS! Only 4 women including me. I guess men feel a strong need to know how to defend themselves.

I considered telling the teacher ahead of time that I am attending to treat CPTSD, not really to learn how to bash people up. I actually don't ever expect to be ambushed by a stranger, funnily enough. I don't see it as a likely thing to happen in my future. I am attending this class to give my body the opposite experience to the original experience that caused the trauma - a body memory and experience of being physically competent, powerful and able to fight back. I am targeting that primal body memory area because that is the bit I need to begin to heal now. I am very good at intellectual analysis and that can only take me so far. I must literally build for myself a new body. This body was built around chronic stress and severe trauma that just did not end. I'm aware now of how that affected my brain, autonomic nervous system and body chemicals, and the way out for me is going to involve creating new body chemistry. I'm using a whole host of methods to get this going.  I thought it might be pertinent to tell the teacher I am doing this, so that if it is successful for me, he may be willing to offer it specifically to domestic violence or trauma victims locally or something. I didn't end up telling him because I didn't have the chance, but I might in the future.

When these teachers were showing how to perform the defensive blocking moves, in the middle of the circle, they were being very macho and showing off, like guys do. They were simulating aggression as it would be shown in reality, and I perceived that they really enjoy the mastery over their bodies and the physical strength they have. I think they enjoy their sport and being able to be forceful with each other - with other guys who can take their strength and who they can trust to defend themselves. That in itself was quite beautiful to watch for me, who bangs into things and is very physically clumsy and disoriented with zero connection to my body whatsoever (all symptoms of CPTSD), much less the total focus and presence these martial artists have. So even that bit was inspiring. These men have obviously practiced martial arts together and it was like a dance. They knew how far they could go with each other using reasonable force. They knew what the other was going to do next. They had a total resonance with each other, total mirroring, total astute awareness of their own bodies and the body of the other. It was incredible. Very powerful to see. I also clocked, from their demonstrations, that they are dangerous people to fight. Dangerous men. 'Men are dangerous' was one of my unexamined core beliefs, one of my expectations of reality, one of the things I just took for granted, long after I was near any dangerous men.

When it came time for me to do some moves, I felt very uncoordinated and confused. My left and right sides of body were uncooperative and I didn't understand what movements had just been shown to me. Nevertheless I bopped around the room with all the others, practicing what I'd just been shown.

The three teachers were paying close attention to me. Each of them came to me to personally demonstrate and help me understand what to do. They were very kind, patient and encouraging. They assured me that I don't have to get anything 'right'. They seemed to know that my body was having some trouble moving in these unfamiliar ways. These guys have trained themselves to read bodies very, very closely, in miniscule detail.

Because some of the moves involve blocking someone who is trying to stab you, they hurt when you practice them, because your partner is banging their arm against your wrist to prevent you from fulfilling an action (pretending to stab them)

The three teachers all said to me to make sure I partner with one of them, so that nobody hurts me. They were being protective of me.

We were to switch partners multiple times in a clockwise pattern and I noticed also that when it was time for me to switch a partner, the group organised it so that only very experienced people partnered with me. I'm telling you, this group is like a living organism of awareness. Again, it was all men doing this empathic organizing.

Interestingly, the three teachers and the group members who partnered with me all have the exact same body type as my father: strong, broad shouldered, muscular, stocky. They are also all in the same age group he was when he was being extremely violent to my mother and I - early to mid 30s. I could not have wished for a better simulation of the trauma, or a better chance to rewire it a bit.

Because what happened was that I had a repeat experience of a man who very closely represented my father, playing out a scene of violence WITH A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTENT AND OUTCOME.

Now I have very clear, strong, visceral memories of multiple men teaching me how to defend myself against themselves.

Each experience started out like my dad about to hit one of us, but it was slowed right down. Slooooowwww. The teachers slooowly pretended they were going to punch me and gave me time to make the movement they were teaching me, to defend against them. This slow-motion pattern gave my mind plenty of time to really pay attention and register absolutely everything. They showed me how to make them fall over, they showed me how to kick them in the ribs, and when they made me fall over to demonstrate they held me up so that I'd gradually fall in a controlled way.

When I remember it, I flash back to their eyes, very steady, looking into my eyes with total focus, calm and control. I remember the lights in the room very clearly. It is all so clear that I can literally re-live it like going back inside a movie. This indicates to me that my body was really, REALLY paying attention. I was not dissociated, I was calmed and soothed by these guys. I remember their voices, speaking to me about what they are going to do and what I should do. I remember their clear, professional, pure intent: to teach me to defend myself. I remember their physical closeness with zero sexual connotation, and I did not get an ounce of sleaze from any of them. I remember their patience and clarity. I remember them consciously amending their teaching methods to accommodate my size and strength. I remember them selflessly missing out on the chance to bang into other, stronger people, which they are all realistically there to do at least a little bit, to walk me through it and describe things to me.

It was very powerful to have these men who look like my dad, enact a physical assault on me in a very controlled fashion, and them being the ones giving me the tools to fight them off.

They would say "I'm going to come in like this" - slowly enacting a swinging punch - "And you are going to do this with your hands and land here and here" -showing where to put my arms - "Then you're going to chop my neck 3 times" - I carried that out - "Then I'll be stunned. You'll move to the side"- another teacher would come and correct me if I was in a vulnerable position at the assailant's side - "And now you'll kick the back of my knee to make me fall down." - I'd do that - "And now stomp my ribs three times, do this with my arm, do that to my head, then RUN. Get the f out of there." (LOL)

They also all took the time to talk with me about various aspects of fighting and defense and real-life scenarios. All of these conversations were informative, calm, with mirroring body language and kind kind kind eyes.

I can't begin to describe how nurturing it feels. I also felt very nurtured in a very child-like level, putting feminism aside for a moment, because it was clear all of them viewed me as someone to be kept safe, protected, coddled a little bit, looked after. It was a really soothing form of masculinity. They knew their physical advantage as men very well. My dad knew that too but was so broken as a person he used it against a little girl and his young wife.

I got home and discussed it enthusiastically with my boyfriend, who is very supportive of the whole thing. He studied martial arts & kickboxing himself for years and HE showed me some moves to defend myself as well, that very night!

The whole experience melted a lot of my unconscious hatred and fear of men, a lot of which I'd been projecting onto my poor guy, who has never been anything but wonderful to me. I have softened towards men now and I actually feel a lot steadier in all areas of my life. Weirdly, I'm finding it easier to be clear about who I am and easier to be assertive. I felt really, reallly close to him that night and ever since. Like I can let him in now. He is also built like this 'dangerous man' archetype I have: masculine and muscly and strong. I had such a phobia of these men in my earlier life that I deliberately chose partners for their weediness and inability to physically overpower me. Don't worry about personality or values or who you are, boys - can you knock me out? If so, you're out. How sad and interesting.

When I got home, I noticed a lot of flashbacks about my dad's violence arose. This particular area of my life is NOT one I've studied in any depth. I've been focused on other traumas that began at about 11. For some reason I've really avoided all the domestic violence stuff and avoided thinking about my dad much at all. These flashbacks were there, but they did not swipe me off my feet like flashbacks usually do. They were much more controlled. They were just there, and I could watch them, connect with them, acknowledge them, connect them with my new experience, and soothe myself through it. It was great.

So all this after one session - I think I am going to respond really well to this branch of treatment. I thought I would share in case anyone else will also benefit. I think because my CPTSD developed in many holistic, complex, multi-pronged layers, the treatment of it will also be found in holistic, practical, lived experiences. One event can have such far-reaching consequences, rippling through multiple layers of myself, rearranging bits and pieces as long as I'm ready. I feel much more calm and confident. I am not saying I'm cured but this experience was deeply, profoundly beneficial to me. Partly it is pure luck that I happened to stumble into a class taught by the exact right types of men. It was the exact perfect stimuli, and their energy was the exact perfect energy.

[mourningdove]

Thank you for this account, Coco. I cried reading it, and I feel so happy for you that you had such a positive and helpful experience at the self-defense class. 

[Three Roses]

What a beautiful story, and experience!  I'm so glad you told us about it, thanks. I felt like I was there!

[Blueberry]

Hi Coco,
I'm happy for you that you had such a good, nurturing, healing experience. I've been in therapeutic self-defense (for C-PTSD or just plain old PTSD patients) but I don't remember so much happening all in one session. So glad the guys doing your course were so attentive and perceptive.

I sometimes have trouble translating verbal directions into physical moves. I can figure out what to do (mostly) but it's slow-going and I have to talk myself through it: OK, take your right foot and put it behind.... Seems trauma-related in my case, maybe in yours too.

And yes, unfortunately, far-reaching consequences, multi-pronged layers. Good description!

I've also had to do a lot of practical activities and movements to heal from a sort of paralysis in day-to-day life. Some of it I did in occupational therapy.  Why am I frightened of doing this??? Why can't I even start? Then I would start and all these memories started coming up. So then I'd talk myself and my inner child(ren) through that and things were at least better.

But it sounds as if you've found your solution without needing a therapy setting.