Flashback after Trigger

[Phoebes]

It's frustrating that it seems like almost anything can trigger a memory/flashback. There were just so many experiences that were abusive, and I am remembering more and more as I am taking charge of my healing and NC becomes longer and longer.

Well, yesterday I was with friends, and one of them mentioned a story where their teenager had her first real heartbreak of her boyfriend breaking up with her when she thought it was going so well and was on cloud 9. Everyone in the car commented how hard it was to see your kid go through that, etc. How wonderful the kid is, and how that boy doesn't know what he is going or missing. And how even though they know there will be better relationships, they all know it's heartbreaking, and proceed to talk about the ways they supported their kid when this happened in their family. (Men and women alike). I also felt pain for this kid who I know to be amazing.

Fast forward to the middle of the night- I woke up with insomnia as I often do with an experience from my teens in my head. I had longed to date a boy who I peripherally knew and was attracted to. Over time, we wound up being in the same social circle and became friends. After a few months, he actually asked me out and had wanted to for a while, and we began what was my first relationship with my first crush. I was of course on cloud 9. We were both shy and inexperienced though, and after a couple of months he broke it off with me because we weren't "moving forward" with sex and things that he hadn't even mentioned of pursued. I told him you are right, I'm not ready for sex right now, but we have not done anything but hold hands and kiss. Can't we take it slow? Apparently not.  The next day he asked out another girl in our group who was known nymphomaniac, and they began dating. She was over the moon and talked about their sexual escapades in our carpool.  I was literally suicidal.

Well, I have always thought of this story in terms of what HE did. And how I felt about it.  But last night, I remembered that when that happened on a Friday, on Saturday morning my parents were dragging me to their friends' for a get-together, and I was very down in the dumps. I was 16, had made the RIGHT decision by not sleeping with my BF, who I loved, only to get dumped and flaunted by another so called friend. They did not ask me what was wrong. I wanted to stay home but they said no. Once I was in the back seat and we were on our way, my mom very hatefully looked at me and said "whatever your problem is you need to wipe that frown off your face. I'm not taking some spoiled sulky teenager over to my friend's to act like that in front of them." I said my BF had broken up with me, and she said mockingly "ohhhhh, well boo hoo..some teenage nonsense isn't worth one second of sulking so you better just put on a smile. I'm not going to listen to some teenage nonsense. Was it because you were a cold fish?"  My dad just drove, not saying one word.

Now, in later years, when I said WHY he had broken up with me my mom said in a dramatic tone "well why didn't you TELL me?? You could have talked to me about it but you always wanted to keep everything to yourself I WOULD have been supportive if I KNEW!" This was a total mind-* at the time. Now I see it for what it is, but it was very very hurtful, and the incident in the car was one of many turning points in my life.A turning point that led me to not trust boys, my mom, my dad, my own feelings, or to express my own feelings. She had been crushing my feelings for years, and I have a very hard time expressing my feelings to this day. I believe this was a major event that solidified that difficulty. Normal parents would have talked to me, asked me what was wrong, allowed me to stay home even, told me they knew how important he was to me, how much that must have hurt, how there will be better ones, maybe even pointed out his flaws, how I was worth more than that, how I made the right decision by not sleeping with him and how proud they were. No, she saw my pain, and saw it as an opportunity to pounce. She loved seeing me in pain.

[sanmagic7]

how horrible for you, phoebes.  what crapola we have lived through.  and, i can totally see how that story you heard about the other girl's heartbreak would bring back the memory of your own and everything that went on around it.  i get that kind of thing a lot just from watching tv!  like you said, there have been so many instances in our lives, the triggers can be found everywhere.

dang, big hug to you.  i can so relate.

[Phoebes]

This concept that they actually truly enjoy our pain is somewhat new to me, or at least just now sinking in as a reality. It's when I remember things like this and others that I remember the smirk on her face, and WHO says these things to another human being, much less a child you are supposedly the loving mother of? How could she look at me depressed and feel, I don't know, EMBARRASSED for herself? Why would she not want me to feel upset over that? What was it to HER? Why would she not care? Oh and then later, she sure cared when I said something about it..cared what SHE looked like as a mother.

I'm sorry, I'm just wrapping my head around this. This is a good opportunity to further solidify NO CONTACT.

And furthermore, my NC is still all about poor her. Her mean daughter having abandoned her. Not one single thought as to why I would feel this way, not even after very mean things she said being the last straw. I think it's sinking in how sick. Very sick.

[Phoebes]

Thanks, sanmagic. Yeah, I get triggered from TV too. I don't watch that much of it because of it. But some shows help me "feel". Usually when there is some sort of empathy coming from a parent to an adult. It gets me.

[sanmagic7]

it's always about them, isn't it?  all my nc's don't have a clue as to why i would do such a thing, how horrible i am to them, i must have something wrong with me, etc., etc., etc.   we know why, and we have to make that count the most.  we know it for each other as well.  we may have been victimized, but we refuse to remain victims.  that is our strength and righteousness.  big hug, phoebes.

[Phoebes]

It's like if they think we suck we know we must be doing the right thing.

[sanmagic7]

i LOVE that!