Lawreatha's recovery journal

Lawreatha · February 27, 2017, 04:03:53 AM

I learned about CPTSD last year after a severe emotional breakdown and an anxiety attack. Though I have no diagnosis, This is the best explanation for my experiences. I grew up in a home of domestic violence, and I was emotionally abused as a child. Then my husband emotionally abused me for 30 years. I will not go into details here for privacy sake.

Currently, I have good days until there is a trigger. Once I am triggered, the pain memories can last for several days or weeks. I become overwhelmed, especially at work. I get shaky and afraid for no clear reason. I have to take a quiet break and meditate to calm myself down. I'm a cashier at a busy store, so I'm at the mercy of others for breaks. I suffer a lot at work, and I fear a breakdown there. I won't explain this to my employer. I don't understand it myself, and besides I want to function well. I don't want special treatment. I want to be well.

Today, I woke up with emotional pain with no name. I needed a good cry to release these pent up feelings. But, I also want to pack my lunch, eat breakfast, go to church, and go to work. Daily life trumped expressing my feelings at home, but I broke down in sobs on the way to church. That was a good thing. In the car, I can scream or sob or say all the things I wished I said. It is my free place to let it out. I was a mess by the time I got to church. I went inside anyway, but it did me no good. I hadn't settle down yet, and I needed to talk to someone. I left the service, and called my sister. She doesn't understand, but that is ok. She believes me and listens to me.

At work, I struggled to stay centered. My sister had suggested that I pray for people. She thought it would take my focus off myself, and I would calm down. I tried it. It didn't work. I need help for this soon. I get more exhausted at work than I should, and I'm scared.

Lawreatha · February 28, 2017, 12:45:05 AM

I tried an herb called Holy Basil today. I took two capsules before work and two more at lunch. There is no question that I had a better day with less anxiety. This is new to try this herb, so the jury is still out. I intend to only take it at work or other high stress situations now.