The assertiveness thread

[Coco]

Does anyone have any good links, book recommendations, personal processes, exercises and/or experiences to learn assertiveness?

[Dee]

I read a book on boundaries that was excellent.  Where you end and I begin.  Boundaries are really about being assertive and feeling the right to be.

[sanmagic7]

i've heard of mirror work helping some people.  face yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what you need to hear around being able to stand up for yourself, your worth, that you deserve to be heard, etc., whatever fits for you.  writing has always helped me as well, getting out the neg. beliefs and clarifying the pos. beliefs i want to replace those with.  just some thoughts. 

i've also found that assertiveness takes practice, practice, and more practice until we get comfortable with it.  it's a process, like anything else.  best to you with this.  you deserve to stand tall and be acknowledged as the wonderful human being you are. 

[Spirals]

Hi, People 

I think it is great you are working on your assertiveness! I personally feel assertiveness and boundaries skills are like the cornerstones of happiness. I agree with sanmagic7 that it takes a lot of practice, and exercising them at first, can be really awkward, uncomfortable, or scary. But it's so worth it once they start to become your new normal.

I like Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I really like their book The Mom Factor better, as the effects of different types of mother's had on their children was enlightening to me. They both have a Christian religious theme that some people might find off-putting (or attractive if your spiritual beliefs lean that way). But I feel they have a balanced view of situations. They are written with the assumption you are dealing with normal people rather than PD types.

I also like that they mentioned not all people with boundary issues are just "givers" and how many people's depressions are actually reactions/signals to boundary violations/imbalances in their relationships. A lot of books ignore "takers" as having boundary issues. Once I started working on my assertiveness, I kind of learned the hard way that I could steamroll right over my less assertive friends if I wasn't careful.

I've heard The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense is good but I've never read it. I also like the blog Captain Awkward. They even give scripts to letter writers on how to start difficult conversations. But they are politically pretty liberal and they don't allow armchair diagnosis.

Hope it helps!