Feeling at home and feeling your own worth

[hurtbeat]

Thank you Downsideup 
Making lot of progression here through changing thought patterns, now realizing the depths of my social anxiety is another victory as I see it. It makes it all the more "fixable" now

Sanmagic:
I have yet to meet with a therapist,  there will most likely be a long line to wait in before I get to see someone and begin to tell my story but at least I have set the wheels in motion.
I agree that it's a good idea to write things down, I do my best to write a little every day and listen to talks about CPTSD on youtube.

It could be possible that the things I couldn't say will be said after I start seeing things more clearly or maybe they come from a time when I didn't have a language and only felt confused.

[sanmagic7]

i think that the words you need will be there when you need them to be there.  one exercise that some people have used is writing with your non-dominant hand.  for some reason it accesses those child parts in the brain and brings them to the fore.  just a suggestion.

i'm just so glad you're moving forward.  one more victory to celebrate.  that's the best news!  with you all the way.

[hurtbeat]

Interesting Sanmagic!
I'll try that next time I'm off work

I'm doing my best not to fall back into old patterns now, I tend to get really excited sometimes and then feel like I'm done and not continue with it as a journey.
My mum used to be that way and I don't want to be like her.

Thanks again for your support! 

[hurtbeat]

As a result of being happy I fell down into an EF, as is tradition after feeling really good about my life.
I think this is one of my core issues and it stems from my mother who wouldn't let me feel happy and confident, she needed me to feel the way she felt and my EF stems from suppressed rage.

I think she had a lot of rage in her as well and I know for a fact that my grandmother treated her the same way as she was jealous of other women (even relatives) and had to be the centre of attention (or rather: "the victim").

My biggest breakthrough was realizing that this does not define who I am but rather a sickness that has taken over me.
It makes me understand how I sometimes shift opinions about life and things in general and why I've been so grumpy and boring and aggressive towards people.

I genuinely thought that my weirdness and opinions that I don't relate to when I feel good was part of my personality and I've felt bad about not being consistent in how I act and feel.
These internal panic attacks makes me into a person I don't want to be and it brings on all the judgement that I had to endure in my childhood and makes me pass it on to others.

Now that I see this as an EF I have so much more compassion for myself and also for my mother even though I still find it sad that she was so manipulative and would never apologize or be wrong.
I think she tried to communicate her feelings through me and use me as a vessel so in a sense I am still her "tool" until I'm free from my CPTSD and learn different ways to cope.

Somehow this also awakens a fantasy in me that I will go back to her and save her.
I suppose that was her biggest wish all along and that this is the golden seed in the middle of that scary tentacle- plant that she grew inside of me as a child.

It's hard to focus on myself but I'll do my best and keep having NC with her even though I feel sorry that the idea of CPTSD wasn't available to her back in the days.
I'm not her saviour, I am my own sovereign state.

[sanmagic7]

well done, hurtbeat, for staying nc.

i can't tell you how many times over how many years i'd attempted to 'save' my ex and my daughter.  what i got for my efforts was more abuse and more pain from their hurtful ways toward me.  i get that we don't want to see the people we care about hurting, either.  the reality, tho, is that they do have to save themselves.  it's not our job, no matter what we were taught or what we believed.

having to go nc with my daughter was the biggest heartbreak of my life.  it's over 2 yrs. now, and she's still in my heart.  that will never change.  but, she's not in my life anymore, and i don't see that changing, either.  she's another victim, and gets too much attention from staying in that role.  so be it.

we're in this together, hurtbeat.  big hug!

[hurtbeat]

Indeed, I understand it must be tough to separate from your own child since you start of in a caring role to begin with but as you say: They must save themselves!
It's good to know that I couldn't save my mother even if I tried since I can't control her brain.
Maybe this sort of codependency where you want to save people and change them into a better version of themselves comes from a wish to control people?

Even controlling someone for their own good is control.
It's scary to just let people have control over their own life and just... trust them.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with you that it's still control.  as adults, we have a responsibility to children to guide them, protect them, teach them, etc., but that responsibility pretty much ends when they become adults.  it was a difficult transition for me, to learn how to be a mom to an adult - it's such a different dynamic to let them go their own way. 

as far as other adults go, i'm learning (really slowly at times) that it's important for me to ask them if they want any input from me, and to accept their answer, no matter what it is.  unless, of course, they ask me for my thoughts/opinion on something.  but, yeah, otherwise, we're not responsible for their choices. 

part of what we're doing here is learning.  another part is re-learning, hearing the lessons we need to continue to learn until they sink in and we begin having a new perspective.  i guess that's why it's called a process - no straight lines, only curves and, at times, switchbacks. 

it is scary.  i've seen my daughter do so much harm to herself and others - same with my ex.  i have no faith in them that there will be change made for the better, which is why i have to stay away.  i don't trust them, which is also why i stay away.  i have had to completely let go and let the powers of the universe watch over them and do what needs to be done.  i sure can't.  that's where my change of perspective came in - to realize and accept that they are beyond my power in every way.   it was a real struggle to get to that point.  i still wish it could be different.  ugh!  and grrrr! 

i think the one i most have to trust is myself.

[hurtbeat]

I think the one i most have to trust is myself.

Yes, and also learn that we are lovable for just being us and not because we have to save someone. 

[sanmagic7]

amen!

[hurtbeat]

Continuing my journal: I've been feeling a shift in reality, like when you try on someone else's glasses and things seem more close or far away.
It might have been a slight attack of derealisation but I can notice a different structure in my thought pattern.

I know that I'm also a bit impatient and I don't want to drive myself too far too soon, it surely takes time to alter ones map of reality and dig out new pathways in ones brain on which healthy thoughts can travel.

It feels good to notice a lack of weirdness every day, I can take a step back from my former behaviour and notice how I might seem odd to other people in a more nuanced way.
I feel more in touch with the human world again.

It's quite subtle yet noticeable at the same time.
I feel like I've started to grow up.

[sanmagic7]

good for you, hurtbeat!  you're right about cultivating patience with this.  it's hard work for our brains to re-wire themselves, and they need some rest in order to keep moving forward with it.   

i love the re-definition for yourself - i think it puts the whole thing in a much more positive light for ourselves.  it really isn't us, just like any illness doesn't define us.  it's simply a part of what we have to deal with in our lives.

sounds like you're moving forward, finding yourself.  yay!  big hug!

[hurtbeat]

Thanks San hugs to you too!

[hurtbeat]

I had a bigger setback these few days.
Got really triggered by the spartan life coach on youtube who has been a big inspiration to me with CPTSD since he is now promoting a Narcissist (Sam Vaknin) to help us heal.


Got really stressed and felt my heart pounding like crazy and had a major panic attack yesterday.
I called the emergency hospital in another city and have been prescribed some mild sedatives, they booked counselling for me in my town now.
The place where they booked counselling haven't been very helpful so far, they've usually dismissed me and told me that they only help people with "bigger problems than I have"...
But this doctor that I've met with seemed understanding and she told me she was going to write a well formulated referral.

Last time I was in contact with the psychiatric unit in my town I was in a phone call with the woman in charge of the unit.
We argued about my treatment and I mentioned that I always get referred to CBT and CBT is not enough for me, so what did she do? She referred me to CBT at the healthcare centre...

I hope to get some real help this time, one of my biggest issues are connected with bad confidence and self worth so I hope they won't dismiss me again.

[sanmagic7]

i hope you get what you need this time, hurtbeat.  i hate that dismissal crapola - it's so invalidating, like they think they know better than you what's going on with you.  i've run into that too many times and i'm so sick of it!  best to you with this - i'm glad you found a doc at least who will write you a decent referral.  i hope that makes the difference for you.  big hug.

[hurtbeat]

Thanks again san!

We'll see how it goes, I'm not a fan of taking meds but at least I got that for now if I need it.