LIKELY TRIGGERS: Instinct injury

[Candid]

Mother's callous disregard for my emotional needs made me more vulnerable to further trauma because I was (and to some extent still am) either unable to detect dangerous situations or unable to protect myself if I do. Examples:

1. At 15 I went to visit a school friend. When I was walking back -- a long walk on a hot day -- a man stopped and offered me a lift. I got in, and didn't make a murmur when he drove straight past the end of my street. I was stuck with him in his car for several hours. At one point he stopped for gas. Naturally I thought of getting out and approaching an attendant, but I didn't. I thought my father would have to come and pick me up, a couple of hours' drive each way, and I'd never hear the end of it. (Would he even have come?) Not getting out was a message to the abductor that I had no one to call.

I was lucky he didn't rape and/or kill me. When he finally dropped me home, there were stiff lips all round because I'd missed lunch without letting Mother know, and was late for dinner. I didn't tell them what had happened. They had not called my friend's house.

Only recently did it occur to me that if I'd got out and told someone I'd been abducted, the police would have been called, the man questioned (at least) and I would have been taken home.

2. A few years later I was not so 'lucky'. A workmate and her fiance called in to invite me to a party nearby. I didn't want to go, but Mother (bless her kindly heart) came to the door and insisted I get changed and go. An hour or so into the party, my friend and her man had a fight and left. The man of the house said he would drive me home. I told him I was fine, I could walk it in 10 minutes. He headed me off at his front door, grabbed my arm and said menacingly: "I said I would drive you home." I got in his car, he went straight to an out-of-the-way place and spent the next few hours hitting and raping me before dropping me off outside my parents' home.

Had I not been instinct-injured I would have shaken his arm off and yelled: "Get your hands off me!" If he'd followed me out, I would have screamed at him until he backed off. I've seen lots of literature about how rapists choose their targets; they pick up cues to take a girl who's unlikely to fight back.

I could go on with more examples, most of them either in intimate relationships (first husband used me as a punchbag) or the workplace, but I've just triggered myself. 

I can't tell you how angry I am at the so-called mother who set me up to be a victim everywhere I go. The result is I'm scared of everyone and everything... and distraught that my life is so empty.

[Three Roses]

I am so glad you made it out of a horrendously neglectful childhood and abusive past alive! You are a true survivor.

You matter. You are worthy of love and respect! I also am afraid of almost everything - talking to the neighbors, going to the store, etc. I've isolated myself for the past few years but I feel something shifting. With remembering the truth of my past and listening to everyone else's stories, I'm seeing that it's not me that has the problem, it's the people who hurt me. I wasn't singled out because I was defective or something! The fault/defect was in them.

I'm approaching the place emotionally where I feel I'll be able to say NO MORE. I won't let myself believe the lies anymore. I will see myself for who I truly am - a human, flawed individual with a ton of compassion for others, worthy of being respected and treated well.

[radical]

I think 'instinct injury is a good way of putting it, and can relate to exactly the problem you are talking about.  This isn't about lack of intelligence, it's about having instincts switched off.  The damage over time is horrendous, our disorder is radically worsened.  We don't know who to trust and end up trusting no-one, then we emerge after a few years, trust someone and wham - bad choice.  But it wasn't a choice, we let ourselves be chosen, and felt we were lucky if someone was nice to us.

Probably should have personalised this to just me.  Is this how it has been for you?

[Candid]

I'm approaching the place emotionally where I feel I'll be able to say NO MORE. I won't let myself believe the lies anymore. I will see myself for who I truly am - a human, flawed individual with a ton of compassion for others, worthy of being respected and treated well.

I wish I could believe the same about myself. Again, it's something I've got intellectually but not viscerally. My response, or lack of it, is what comes up first. Trained to be a quiet doormat, not give offence no matter what, etc.

The damage over time is horrendous, our disorder is radically worsened. 

Indeed. It's what puts the C in CPTSD: having our innate self-esteem eroded out of existence so we become a target for every kind of nasty out there.

we let ourselves be chosen, and felt we were lucky if someone was nice to us. [...]  Is this how it has been for you?

Very much so. I'm a fawn-freeze type. I've said inappropriate things to good people, turning them off me, and my first instinct when someone's mean to me is to be 'nicer' to them. Ugh.

[radical]

my first instinct when someone's mean to me is to be 'nicer' to them. Ugh.

So much relate. I hadn't even heard of anyone else having this particular thing until a few months ago.  How could I begin to understand it?  It is a fawning response to a sense of threat in some cases, in others, almost protecting others from feeling embarrassed or ashamed of treating me badly..

Also freeze/fawn.

This feels like difficult territory to navigate.

[womangum]

Have you read the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk? It's a really comprehensive look at how trauma changes our brains and in one part of the book he discusses why people cannot recognise danger at all. It is a NORMAL response to horrible abnormal circumstances. So please try not to be angry at yourself for doing the only thing you could as a child to stay alive. Part of you, deep inside, loves you very much and did all that it could to keep you here.

I am freezing/fawning all the time these days. It makes me very sad. I am getting back into mindfulness body scans, meditation, and self-compassion. It has worked before (except I kept having traumatic things happen back to back to back so I sort of lost ground) and I know they will work again. Also gentle yoga. I have found all of these resources online because I can't afford therapy. Let me know if you want some links to what I've used.

[Zeus Faber]

Narcissistic behaviour is my biggest trigger, my coping strategies for dealing with this is initially fawning (utilising the full codependency tool kit), disassociating ( particularly in the form of fantasy- convincing myself they are not that bad really ) then freezing as a consequence of an emotional collapse. All of which makes me ideal material for attracting more narcissistic behaviour / people into my life. Combine this with my ongoing belief that despite life experience to the contrary , I am fundamentally flawed so my initial instincts are flawed too, I can really relate to what you have said. In recent years I have become more aware of my codependency and so can intercept it , with some therapy I have had, my disassociation has reduced which has had the benefit of me actually seeing people as they are , so I am less likely to think continued involvement with them is a good idea. I am now working on changing the script of my internal critic to represent ideal parents who more accurately reflect and support my successful life rather than my actual parents who only had an unhealthy prognosis for me and a desire to undermine me,  but that is difficult and work in progress. I have also been able to share my CPTSD with close friends so they now understand that when I am having an emotional collapse, I am the undefended 8 year old with no life experience rather than the 51 year old resourceful person who retired ten years ago from a highly successful career.

[Three Roses]

(A quick welcome to you, Zeus. )

[sanmagic7]

instinct injury, huh?  sounds right on the money.  i've gone off in dangerous directions as well from not having a clear sense of fear.  i trusted everybody..  sometimes, tho, i'd get a gut feeling and knew that if i didn't deal with a situation in a certain way, i'd be in danger.  however, the fore-knowing that it could be dangerous was not there.

i'm glad you survived, candid, all of it.  glad you're finding your way to a healthier place, 3roses.  radical, from my efforts at re-wiring my brain so as to have access to my feelings, you are correct - it is difficult territory to navigate.  womangum and zeus, glad to hear from you and that you're making progress as well.  once again, we're all in this together.  hugs all around.

[Candid]

Hmm... it now transpires that what I've called 'instinct injury' has another name we're all more familiar with: total lack of boundaries. Three Roses posted this link http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911 on another thread, and it's really woken me up.

It explains what's happened to me in the past as well as the situation I now find myself in. I'm feeling devastated... and that's actually a good thing, because clearly I am, and it happened long ago.

[Lingurine]

Candid, your story is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry your mother did not protect you from those men. I can truly relate to your story, my mother was like that, very unsafe. Argg.



Lingurine

[LittleBird]

Hi Candid,

thank you for this post.

I've said inappropriate things to good people, turning them off me, and my first instinct when someone's mean to me is to be 'nicer' to them. Ugh.

Just wanted to let you know I do that too. I deflect it when people try to help me, not used to that kind of nurture. It's part of the instinctive response to trauma. Anyone who taught you to feel shame for responding that way, just doesn't know. Try not to listen.

[Recoveree]

I feel like saying that instinct injury is also part of being naive and kind-hearted.  I know that many of our instincts were shut off by mean spirited parents and others. But, ultimately for many of us, we are kind-hearted and this is a gift not a disability.

Learning to realize that others don't share our kind perspectives and that saying no to those and those things that trigger us is a skill.  We can repeat our kindness repeatedly and shut out those that want to harm us with their sabotage as often as we want to, too. Pearls to pearls, swine to swine. Your kindness to me is mine and my kindness to you is yours. Kind people are pearls.