So much anger with nowhere to go [Possible trigger warning]

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

I've been struggling a lot lately with finding a healthy way to deal with anger.  I think it's a good sign that it's coming up- after all, anger is what we all use to create boundaries, and as someone with CPTSD from childhood I pretty much suck with those.  But I just don't know what to do with it.  I feel so full of impotent rage.

It's something I used to be able to suppress much better, but now if I try to just push it down it comes out in passive aggression and sometimes snapping at my wonderful partner.  I really REALLY am working to get a handle on this and have had success just trying to be extremely mindful when I'm speaking to him about how I sound, as well as being more proactive with triggers as they arise instead of dissociating. 

I don't know.  I've just damaged some trust with a person I love deeply, and I know in some ways my behavior has been toxic recently.  I'm ashamed of hurting my partner by allowing my fear of dealing with my symptoms to prevent me from considering his needs.  And I'm also disturbed, because a lot of the times when I've used a hurtful tone or said something rude to him, I haven't been fully aware that I'm lashing out.  The awareness part is getting easier, but I guess I just really don't want to treat someone I love anything like the way I was treated as a child.  There is a big gulf between the emotional/verbal/psychological abuse I received at the hands of my parents as a child and the way I've been behaving toward my fiance, but the fact remains that I have been disinterested toward him when he needed attention, taken him for granted when he does so much to support me, and taken out my stress on him. 

I know in some ways it's because I'm afraid of being emotionally [or physically] intimate with him.  I'm afraid that if I tune into my body and emotions to feel love and appreciation for him and to better meet HIS needs, an overwhelming wall of emotion and unmet needs will inundate me instead.  I feel so afraid sometimes of drowning in anger and fear and grief that I just try to ignore my body, but it's not letting me ignore it anymore.  I want to be an equal partner again- someone who gives as much as she takes.  I guess I'm just scared because of how inconsistent I can be.  I don't want to let prioritizing his needs fall by the wayside anymore and I'm sort of grasping around frantically for concrete solutions.  I don't want to be toxic.  I want new options.  I know he wants them too.  He's been nothing but supportive throughout all this, and he deserves to be treated with appreciation and empathy.  But too often I've treated him as though he is one of the people who hurt me. 

Three things I'm doing right now to combat this are:

1. Noticing when I'm feeling triggered during an interaction and using a method my therapist taught me for getting around my avoidant tendencies: a) express in as much detail as possible how I am feeling [not the why but the what], b) asking for support in a specific way, and c) expressing appreciation for the current help my partner is offering and anything else he's done well recently, coupled with affectionate touch of some kind. 

IE "a. I'm feeling really keyed up.  I'm looking for threats everywhere and my muscles feel activated.  b. It would help me if you just held me tightly for twenty seconds, long enough to reassure my nervous system that there is no threat.  c.  Thank you so much for being willing to listen and help me when I need it.  I appreciate everything you do to help me emotionally regulate, even the fact that you made dinner last night when I was tired from work.  *kisses on cheek*"

2. Committing to a more vigorous exercise routine to help me discharge some of the trapped energy in my nervous system that can cause "flash rages."  I'm taking more long walks and I'm starting to do yoga once a week at least.  It's reeeeeeally hard for me to exercise because I get overwhelmed just feeling so much sensation in my body.  I generally either don't exercise at all, short of tone-building exercises occasionally, or I exercise to purposefully hurt myself.  I hope to use exercise as a healthy outlet instead but I'm really scared.

3. Paying closer attention to my physical sensations in general and not trying to analyze them away.  I DO NOT LIKE THIS.  THIS IS HARD AND SCARY AND IT MAKES ME FEEL PANICKED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.  I've spent my whole life running away from my body and just like holy * it's so scary to try and really feel it on a consistent basis. 

This is important to me because I want to be able to count on myself to behave generally kindly, rather than be retrospectively surprised to find I've been nasty or unfair.  I think I'm on the right track.  I don't know.  I just feel overwhelmed. 

[radical]

You are doing brilliantly with this and I really admire your honesty.  I know how it feels to be consumed with anger and how hard it is to work with.

[Candid]

Thank you for this, AllHail. I too am filled with impotent rage and I know it leaks out in passive-aggressiveness and yes, my partner bears the brunt of it. As if I wasn't already handicapped in the relationship game!

I've taken note of your efforts to deal with it and will raise it with my therapist. Thanks again.