Facing things feels hard

[Hope66]

It's the weekend, and I feel my anxiety levels rising - I'm due to go to a place I've avoided visiting for a few years now - where my FOO (family of origin) will be - and I want to see my friends who also live there, but I already feel intense fear at the potential of bumping into my FOO - I've talked with friends and also my partner, who all assure me that it's unlikely I'll bump into them - but of course my hypervigilance and paranoia is coming out a bit, and convincing me that it WILL happen.

Anyway, I just wanted to share it here - I'm feeling scared.

BUT - I ALSO feel that I'm doing really well to have even contemplated making this trip - I've been avoiding it because previously I've felt 'too scared' - and now I'm FACING it head on - I'm making the trip.  My partner is coming with me, and I am reminding myself that I'm an adult woman and that I can be brave.

It's scary though! 

I'm wondering if my tendency to read lots of self-help books this past week has been due to my wishing to stuff as many resources into myself as I can - and have an arsenal of ways to cope - but I recognise that just doing that isn't sufficient - I need to face things head on. 

I realise I'm waffling a bit here - I don't feel coherent as I write, but it's good to get it out.

If anyone has any thoughts or reflections on what I've written, please do share them.  I would value any suggestions in terms of how to ensure I am able to try to enjoy my trip and not just end up being hypervigilant and looking out for my FOO - I'd rather be able to relax and engage with my friends and enjoy being in the moment with them. 

Hope 

[bring em all in]

You have already left, so I might be too late.

Congratulations on your courage!!! I'm facing something slightly similar. I'm dreading but looking forward to my next therapist appointment. I've been "stuffing myself with as much self-help" knowledge as I can, but I'm getting more support from this community.

I too am hyper-vigilant and my inner critic loves to remind me that "just because you are paranoid doesn't mean someone's not out to get you!"

Is there anything you've seen in this community that you could print out and take with you, and pull it out and read it when you feel the need?

Kizzie posted something for me- I'll see if I can find it and report it.

[bring em all in]

Here it is:

I hope that today you know I and others from OOTS are with you in spirit, holding your hand, sitting beside you with an arm around your shoulders, and telling you we care as you confront the trauma that has kept you from living as fully as you can for so long. You are not as alone as you once were with the pain.  We are there for you, and most importantly you are there for yourself now. 

Sending much care and support,

Kizzie

[Hope66]

Hi Bring Em All In,

Thanks so much.  I had read and responded to your other post - and had seen what Kizzie had said to you - I agree it is a wonderful thing - and I will also be printing it out and keeping it with me when I go on my visit next week - I feel sure it will help a lot - it makes me feel really emotional when I read it - but in a good way.

Thank you! 

Hope 

[bring em all in]

I agree- I was crying tears of joy and solace at Kizzie's kind words. I don't think I've ever received such comforting words in all my 53 years!!!

Good luck next week- I hope you keep us posted, if you feel up to it

[Spirals]

Hi, Hope66

Good luck with your trip    I hope it goes well, and you get to enjoy spending time with your friends.

This is something that works for me but most people think is too paranoid, but why not just prepare for what you would do if you did see them (totally ignore them, or greet and medium chill, leave, etc)? It makes me feel much more in control and less Deer In Headlights, than if I hope for the best and get blindsided.

Like if I'm worried about seeing my bro at a BBQ (for example), I plan an escape route/excuse to leave if he shows up. So when I was with my ex, I would coordinate the max amount of time I could tolerate staying and/or the excuse we would use to leave. I have particular behaviors I NOPE out on, too.

Like if my family began to use us as an audience to fight in front of, my ex generally knew to expect me to suddenly have Pressing Things To Do That We Forgot About Until Right Now, lol.

Ironically for me, my paranoia usually was accurate when it came to my family but wildly out of proportion when it came to other situations, hah hah. I don't know if that's true of you, though.

[Hope66]

Hi Bring Em All In,
Yes, I agree - tears of comfort and solace - Kizzie's writing is definitely really lovely and meaningful.  I will hope to update you when I get back - so I'll come back to this post to do that.

Spirals - thank you so much for your helpful comments on your coping strategy - that sounds like a really good idea - having a plan in mind for the 'what if' scenario. 

I'll be travelling tomorrow, and I'll be back next weekend, so I'll hope to pop in here over the weekend to update you on how it went.

Thanks for your support and also for the hugs - I really appreciate them!   

Hope you have a good week yourselves.   

Hope 

[Spirals]

 

[Hope66]

Spirals - thanks for the lovely smiley face - nice to see a friendly face when I am back!

I said I'd pop back in here to update the people who have read this thread and commented so helpfully - because I coped better than I thought I would with my trip back to the area where my FOO frequent - and I DIDN'T bump into anyone toxic, and I managed to enjoy my time catching up with friends.  It was special.

I was hypervigilant at times, especially in places I associated with my FOO - but I didn't avoid them, I decided I had a right to be there, and I had a 'plan' in place incase I might see them - but thankfully I didn't have to put that plan into action.

It's made me feel braver - and I hope to be able to visit again - I had avoided the place for a few years! 

Phew!  Feels good to have coped with that.  :-)

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope66]

Thanks so much Three Roses - that means a lot!   

[sanmagic7]

yay for you, hope66.  well done!!!

[Hope66]

Thanks Sanmagic, I feel so relieved to have done it.   

[Spirals]

Awesome! I'm glad your visit went well 

[Hope66]

Thanks Spirals - I am so relieved and glad it went better than I anticipated.