When 'How are you' is a trigger

[Wife#2]

I'm posting this in adult onset because this question didn't become a trigger until adulthood. Now, it's causing problems in my marriage that I don't know how to handle right now.

Yes, hearing the question 'How are you' is actually a trigger for me. I have to remember most people don't mean to, and I KNOW my husband doesn't mean to trigger me. But, because of all the years of my father asking that question - then not doing a * thing about it if I wasn't fine, then getting mad when I gave up and started saying 'Fine' all the time, I get triggered by it. I wonder if it's just an empty question or if the asker wants an honest answer. I know that outside my family it's a politeness and I answer a generic 'Well, how are you?' type thing.

But, when my husband or a sibling or someone who's supposed to be close enough to me to care asks - I get triggered. I don't know whether to be honest or not. If I'm not, I feel like I'm cheating them out of my genuine self. If I am, I feel like I've burdened them unnecessarily - unless I'm genuinely fine that day.

I've tried to explain to my husband that my answers may seem to conflict if asked at different parts of the day. Because I will answer with the time period that gives me the best chance of honestly saying, 'Fine.' That may be 10 minutes or 5 days. The thing that is causing conflict with hubby and me is that my face and mood won't match my answer. He can see that and it frustrates him. Understandably, he's asking because he's seen my mood and wants to know what's going on. If I won't talk to him, he can't help. And he really does want to help!

He's been especially caring since the incident with my father leaving me out of the loop. He knows why that hurt so badly - he was left out of the loop on critical information before his mother died. When I told him about some of the other times I've been left out to dry or kept at arms' length by my father, only to be asked how are you regularly, he understood finally why it bothers me.

But, how else is he supposed to find out how I'm doing? I don't volunteer the information very often. Changing the question to 'How was your day?' doesn't help much, either. Again, if you can't do anything about it, why ask? I end up keeping my answers generic and bland.

There is the part where he (my husband) spent years telling me he's sick of hearing about my work place. He didn't want to know anymore. So, I couldn't talk about that without feeling like I was burdening him or ignoring his boundaries. Keep silent enough and it becomes a habit. Changing a habit is hard. While he has changed his boundary to allow me to talk about work again, I still see his discomfort and irritation. I'm still not encouraged to speak my mind about how I am feeling and what I am thinking regarding work.

Which leaves me in the place of always feeling triggered when asked 'How are you?'. I don't know what piles of * are hidden in front of me if I tell the truth. I don't know what piles of * are around the corner if I don't - and that time he really does want to know.

I've just thought of one solution. He is famous for asking 'Do you really want to know?' if what he has to say isn't pleasant. That blew up in his face with my FOO once - they said they did and he told them, hurting their feelings which caused them to lash out at him - LOUDLY. Now, it's a bit of a cautionary joke - if anyone asks that question, consider carefully before answering yes. :: Nodding :: Yes. I think I'll ask that when hubby asks how I'm doing and the honest answer isn't great. That could help take the trigger out of the question.

Once again - thank you for this website. Just being able to organize my thoughts, review what I know to be true and how I genuinely feel, has been a tremendous help.

[Three Roses]

I like it!

[sanmagic7]

great idea!

[Contessa]

I like it too. Its like saying "Ready...set...go!" instead of just plain old "Go!"

Gives you both time to prepare, or even truthfully respond at "ready" with "not quite yet"

[abcdefghijohnnyz]

It was actually a pleasure to read the part of your post where you came up with your own, wonderful solution! Great job.

[LittleBoyMe]

That seems a great solution for you.

Over the years I have found that the reason for the triggers happened in the most unnatural enviroment, however we get triggered by them in normal enviroments. For example, things used to happen to me in the toilet or bathroom. My house has one room with both the toilet and bath are situated. Everytime I need to go to this room I am violently triggered, but at some point I will need to visit this room. Both the bath and the toilet frighten me beyond reason. I have not had a bath for over 30 years, but the sight of one scares the * out of me, and of course, I need to use the the toilet. As  a young adult I developed a coping mechanism whereby I would inform people if I needed to use the toilet. That way, I would never hear footsteps approaching the toilet door. Its a little peace of mind