Looking for Answers and Hope. (TW)

[thesedays]

I just stumbled upon this website and read some stories that were quite relatable to me, to one degree or another. I would like to share some of my story with y'all. I don't really expect a response for some reason but I'm hoping someone out there feels the same way I do/ relates because, at this point, I'd like to know if I belong here and if there is hope. If you took a few moments of your time to read this it would mean a lot.

Childhood:
-I was born in to poverty, not extreme but I recall always being stressed about money from a young age.
- At some point I realized something was wrong with my mom. She used to kidnap me when I was young and I remember being scared/ confused/thinking I would be in trouble. She would leave my brother who was my very best friend. She was always in the hospital. I was 7 when we used to bring her to get electro shock therapy. She told me I was really an angel and I believed her. She told me many delusions of hers and I believed all of them. She also exposed me to strange sexual conversations about my father and disclosed to me, in detail, her childhood molestation when I was VERY young. Numerous suicide attempts.  Eventually I learned she has Borderline PD and is schizoaffective.
-Father was physically abusive and extremely controlling. He frequently oscillated between telling me I was so smart and good to telling me I was a selfish b!tch, downfall of his marriage, etc, etc. He once loaded a shotgun and put it in his mouth and told me I drove him to the point of suicide because I didn't tell him I loved him before I went to bed. I witnessed him abuse my brother like he did to me and in all honesty, that hurt me more than him abusing me and was very traumatic for me.
- My mother left my dad when I was 15 and we had no money/ resources and she was sleeping with her attorney, who was 80. I saw him as a "good guy" and someone who helped. He let me work at his office after school and immediately began sexually molesting me. My mother knew what was happening and told me I had to do what I had to do. At one point, they made me watch and participate in relations between the 2 of them.
-My mom began smoking crack/ drinking heavily and left me. My brother and I had no electricity, no hot water, no plumbing. I used to take cold showers, steal food (or do drugs that kept me from being hungry) and use the bathroom in plastic bags and bury them.
-Eventually I was sent to rehab after going to police about the attorney. I got sober and met a man who I loved and we had a baby boy. Long story short, he changed. Started drinking heavily and being emotionally abusive, bad. All I wanted was to give him and our son a wonderful, loving life. The sexual and mental abuse intensified as time went on. He was doing speed and watching incest porn and our situation was deteriorating rapidly. At one point, I coerced him into telling me the truth about his desires by making him feel comfortable (manipulative, I know). He told me he abused his sister and basically he wanted to get her pregnant, wished I was her, fantasized about that wish when we were intimate, and that he was cross dressing. I left. He stalked me and continued to use his tactics, including telling me he was going to kill himself and our children, choking me and punching me. There were REAL, serious indications he abused our son, which I reported but these concerns were not substantiated. There is a whole story behind this but I will leave it at that. His home was raided 4 months later for Child Pornography and he is under investigation. He was diagnosed through the courts with ASPD in May. BTW, his family had become my family and when I left they all turned their backs on me despite knowing the abuse he inflicted on me and his sister.
-My father and grandmother died in a 6 week period during the course of the abuse.
-Jases mom got custody of our children because they are Native Americans and the tribe believed that due to the unstable nature of our relationship the kids were in danger (?!?!). His father is the chairman of the tribe. My ex lost visitation rights but he still sees them which troubles me. I have worked hard and am finally getting them back in May. This was absolutely gut wrenching to me because all I wanted to do was protect them.
-My best friend since 2010 unexpectedly died after overdosing on heroin last month (she had relapsed). I had plans with her that day and had talked to her hours before. It was a crushing blow for me.

There is a lot more that happened during all this but these are the major highlights. I'm 23 years old. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder not otherwise specified and told that it centered around people pleasing? Not too sure about that but I can see where I do feel an intense need to "prove" myself to others.

Here's the thing, when I (rarely) think about what I've actually been though, I minimize it and say I'm being overdramatic by thinking I've suffered. I have only *recently* come to the terms with the fact something is wrong. I trust no one. I hide so much from everyone. Relationship wise, I think I strictly use men for temporary pleasure and validation. I don't think anyone will ever love me. NO ONE. I have been on a quest to love myself and find myself but I am always haunted by the fact I have so much baggage. I feel pretty worthless and like there must be something inherently wrong with me. I don't tell anyone hardly about my past and constantly try to be okay, act like I'm fine and prove that nothing bothers me. Everyone believes Im okay lol, which is almost funny because I really feel like I'm different from everyone. I don't get attached to people. When people come and go in my life its like I don't even care. There's a lot more going on inside me but its difficult to put in to words, to be honest.

I am going to get trauma counseling because it was suggested to me today by a good friend of mine who is a social worker. I know you cant diagnose me. I just wanted to know if you think, based on your own experience, what I have been though sounds like c-ptsd. Sorry this is so long.

[Three Roses]

Hello there and welcome to the forum, TD! I am so glad you are here!

First of all, I would like to encourage you to change your user name, if it is your real name. This can be done by clicking on your name, going to Modify Profile and then Account Settings. You will see a window, just change the name that appears to us when you post. We want to keep everyone here safe.

Your background absolutely sounds like any one of those points could have induced CPTSD in you. Poverty, the way your mother treated you, and her and the attorney's sexual abuse of you; physical abuse and control from your father; and everything you've been thru with your ex. Everything you've stated from your background could be a cause of CPTSD.

I'm really sorry to hear that you went thru so much! A lot of us have been misdiagnosed with personality disorders because CPTSD is not recognized by every health care professional and is not yet in the DSM as a stand-alone disorder. (It is listed in the DSM as a form of PTSD.)

The good news is that since this was done TO you, it can be overcome BY you. Take your time, research on our site a little, and be very careful to move at your own pace. When you have a question we will do our best to answer.

You absolutely belong here if you feel in any way that you relate to any of our stories. You absolutely deserve to be healed, healthy and happy. You absolutely are not being overly dramatic. (Minimization is common here, too.) You are of great worth, just because. Just because! You'll see some of us referring to our inner critics (IC) - these are the recordings that get themselves into our psyche and come out as messages telling us we are no one, never any good, and will never be loved. Those are all lies.

I really feel like I'm different from everyone

That is exactly how I've felt. That is, until I found this website and started listening to others' stories of how they felt, the problems they were having, and how they were making progress in their own healing. Now, I feel like there is an entire group of people who get it. That I could be in a room with them, freaking out, and they would understand and not reject me or hurt me - they'd be supportive. I hope you have the same experience here. Thanks for joining! 

[radical]

You've been through so much trauma and you didn't deserve any part of it.  I want to tell you how sorry I feel for what you've been through.  I know it doesn't change anything, but sometimes, when I hear people refexively commiserating with smaller sorrows, yet offering no words in response to the expression of really deep, long term suffering it makes me ache.  I get it, words can't do justice to how cruel this world can be, and they can't, but in lots of situations we at least try.

I believe we can heal, that we can replace cruel learning experiences, and the harsh experience of betrayal from those we needed and deserved to be able to trust.  You have demonstrated amazing strength in getting to where you are today.

I've found this a safe haven to let go of pretending.  It's a relief to find others who have also always felt different from everyone.  I'm very glad you've found your way here.  As to CPTSD, - you belong.  I'm not sure it is a club that most would want to find themselves in, but the company around this place is outstanding.  Glad to have you aboard.

Welcome meredithanne!