Jdcoopers journal

[sanmagic7]

o my dear jd,

wrapping you up in a warm earth-mother embrace for all you have endured.  you - well, how horrible for you.  there's so much of your story i can relate to, especially the whole invalidation thing of your talents, skills, savvy, and basic intelligence.  why the frick couldn't they have been proud of us just once?  we worked so hard for that recognition, and they dropped that ball straight on top of our heads, confusing us, denying us, resulting in us spinning our mental and emotional wheels until we break.  yep, i can relate all too well.

it's very plain to me that you're a fighter, and that you will make it.  maybe not perfectly, maybe even pretty messy at times - been there, done that more often than i can count!  we will get through this with the support and friendship we're finding here.  moving forward - and best to you with your continuing challenges.  i know how that feels, too.  big hug!

[jdcooper]

Thanks SanMagic for reading that very long post.  I think you nailed it.  I was never allowed to feel proud of my accomplishments.  I was instead made to feel shame about how I felt about my achievements.  It is hard to dissect and figure outnall of these impacts on our personality.  Slowly but surely.

[jdcooper]

Don't know whats going on with me but I am not sleeping well at all.  Dreams all night long, I wake up and I am dreaming about all the stuff stirred up in therapy.  About all the awful realizations I am having that my father was truly a very cruel man to me as a child.  That I really did indeed suffer trauma.  That it was abuse.  I never ever saw myself as someone who suffered child abuse.  Yes I had a dysfunctional family; I knew that.  Most people had parents who were divorced.  O.k. so my mom suffered mental illness-but that really only started much later in life.   I thought my childhood was actually quite good-I knew from photos we went on lots of vacations and I spent summers with grandparents.  I knew my adolescence was painful but I thought at least I didn't suffer in childhood; how wrong I was.

I couldn't even tell my therapists in my twenties about my childhood because I didn't remember it.  So it never got processed and integrated.  The trauma of adolescence was so great that there was enough there to work on without delving into childhood. 

It was my research effort on Narcissistic Abuse and help from my therapist that led to me asking my mom at age 52 what happened to me when I was a child.  And she was so matter of fact about it.  Like it was some kind of known fact. Yeah your father picked on you specifically out of your sisters and would get furious with you about nonsense.   You would be playing with your pail and shovel and some sand would get in the bushes and he would yell at you.  When we went to a restaurant and he was taking our coats off he would take your coat off last. (imagine that scenario playing out for years in various forms-being picked last, being treated separate from; being treated as unworthy in comparison to my sisters etc. etc.  I think I repressed these memories on purpose because they were too damn painful.

So I had a hard exam yesterday and my instructor was concerned about two questions I got wrong, stating if only I had read the discussion forum I would have got them right.  My inner critic went into overdrive.  Even though her email really said something like "this is very good you only got four questions wrong, but two of these questions that you got wrong are concepts that are important and I am going to give you a chance to get it right so just do a, b and c and I'll regrade your exam."  She was being nice and I interpreted it as if I was slapped, kicked and punched in the face and told that I was a complete and utter failure at something that should be so easy for me.

So what did I do?  She told me I got four questions wrong .  She told me about two of the questions I got wrong; told me the concepts behind the questions and asked me to research them and write out my analysis.  I did that. I read the discussion forum and she mentions that a couple people recently got perfect scores.  And the whole punch in the gut thing happened again.  I have to get these questions all right too.  So I went searching for the other two questions I got wrong.  I obsessed all day and researched and googled and overanalyzed and tore my hair out searching for the two questions I got wrong on a 60 question test.  I found two I thought I got wrong and I changed my answers to those and resubmitted the exam.  I get her updated review of my exam.  She says good you corrected the ones I told you about.  But the two other ones were right to begin with and I made them wrong.  How is that for second guessing yourself?  I feel like I don't even trust myself right now.  My natural instinctual self that should recognize that obsessive-compulsive behavior is not going to help to find the correct answer on an exam isn't working.    My brain isn't even relaxed enough to process things when its in this state.  I know that.  I have been a very good natural student.  I know how to study.  How come I can't do that right now?

I am doing the same thing in therapy.  Obsessively-compulsively analyzing things; trying to understand things from all different angles.  This rift I have with my therapist about her telling me I have poor insurance.  I can't get it out of my head.  Does this mean she is a bad therapist?  Shouldn't she know better than to tell a client they have crappy insurance?  If she were a decent therapist wouldn't this be like a line you just don't cross- like the line that my wacky therapist in my twenties crossed telling me he had sexual fantasies about me and then telling me, when I was upset over it, that I had hit a breakthrough in my therapy. That was all cover his * kind of talking.  What a betrayal.  No wonder I am suspicious when I think a therapist has crossed what should be a clear line.

She has been so good so many times.  Calling me for a full free therapy session when I drank too much and couldn't drive to see her.  Texting me back when I am upset; immediately.  Telling me what a good job I am doing and how smart I am and how I am using my brain to help me recover.  Validating me for the first time in my life that my father is cruel and I have a right to be hurt and angry and upset and she wishes she could spit in his face.  Telling me that she is mad at him.  Taking me on a walk during therapy to help us bond.  Never being even two minutes late for a session.  Apologizing  if she is even one minute behind schedule.  Seeing me for an entire hour not just 45 - 50 minutes.  Telling me that I have to tell my inner child that it was not my fault.  Telling me that I have to create better memories for my inner child.  Soothing me when I had an intense grieving session the morning of therapy.  I told her that I just wanted my mom.  I was hurting and crying and distraught and I wanted my mom and she validated that for me.  I had needs as a child and I just wanted the protection of a loving and caring mother.  I left that session feeling so so validated.  In a way I don't think I have ever been seen or validated.  No one has ever seen my hurt little child like she has.  And I am scared, I feel so vulnerable.  I feel so exposed.  I feel afraid she is going to leave or reject me or hurt me in some way.  Vulnerability according to Brene Brown is supposed to be good.  Being vulnerable with someone is supposed to heal shame.  What I am doing is what I am supposed to be doing.  Its brave.  But just like I second guessed my answers to that test I am second guessing the work I am doing in therapy.

[jdcooper]

Things that I am proud of.
(1)  I was failing 10th grade, had poor self-esteem, strained relationships with all of my family and I managed in two years to pull myself out of that black pit and get mostly A's and apply and get into a good college.
(2) I started out running around the block in 12th grade and ended up doing a full marathon at age 24 and another full marathon at age 40.
(3) I graduated in the top third of my law school class.
(4) I passed the bar on my first try.
(5) I am a good mom and my brilliant son is thriving and absolutely loves his life at Georgia Tech and has a ton of good friends-I've stopped the cycle of narcissism that has probably gone on for generations in both sides of my family
(6) I married a man the opposite of my father.  He is caring and empathetic and loves me unconditionally.
(7) Even though in my twenties I had a bad therapist who told me he had sexual fantasies about me and betrayed my trust I went on to find a psychiatrist who healed me from that wound and turned my life completely around so I could marry a good and caring man.
( I did extremely well in an oral argument I had to make my first year in law school; can't remember exactly but I think I was in the top ten.
(9) I had a reputation at my law firm as one of the best at dealing with clients; even those who were difficult.  Clients really liked me and would request me specifically if they ended up having to deal with another attorney
(10) I had the capacity to work very quickly and efficiently with clients without losing their trust or making them feel like I rushed through the process
(11) I am very creative and have made some very beautiful scrapbooks including one for my grandmother that everyone raved about.
(12) I am a good photographer
(13) I write very well; able to summarize things and come to conclusions without excess detail
(14) I am very good with animals and very bonded with my dog
(15) I did so well in my senior thesis class in college that after my presentation my professor said I would be a good candidate for the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University
(16) I have good taste in clothes and know how to dress to flatter my best features
(17) I am very empathetic and loyal and make a good friend
(18) My grandmother adored me, particularly when I was little and we shared a lot of positive traits like creativity, interest in politics and love of reading
(19) I have a nice home that is clutter free in a good neighborhood
(20) My husband has worked at the same job for 32 years and is very good at what he does
(21) I am a good wife; I have a strong and loving attitude toward my husband
(22) I was a good daughter to my father and a good sister and I realize that those relationships have to end because they are not reciprocated
(23) I have been very resilient in my life; succeeding despite a very traumatic childhood and adolescence.
(24) I have a deep appreciation for nature and feel quite spiritual when I am in a beautiful outdoor setting.
(25) I made partner at my law firm and was given a BMW as a reward
(26) I have the capacity to heal myself and an innate curiosity about the workings of my mind
(27) I have had success at turning my life around after setbacks
(28) I have a love and appreciation of 70's music
(29) I have deep empathy for people who are oppressed or otherwise disadvantaged in society and love hearing and reading about those who triumph despite adversity
(30) I am pretty
(31) I had an internship in Washington DC when I was in college and got to work at The National Womens Political Caucus and a Congressmans office

[sanmagic7]

that's quite an impressive list, jd.  you  deserve to be proud of all that.

can you be proud of correcting those 2 questions on that exam, even if you also mucked up 2 that were fine in the first place?  it's the perfection thing, isn't it.  i can so so so much relate to this.  i know that feeling of being punched for something slightly off or that i perceived as a criticism that i expected myself to have done perfectly.   those punches didn't come on a consistent basis, but when they did, they knocked the air out of me.  that's how it felt.

while i've been in that iron-clad perfection cloak, it was never enough, no matter all my accomplishments, no matter what a good person i was, no matter all the positives about me.  still, it was never enough.

as you know, i've recently wrestled with this issue, and i do believe i've been able to take most of that cloak off.  maybe not all of it, but i do feel different.  last night i began putting my jewelry back on.  i used to wear at least 10 necklaces, beads, pendants, etc., bracelets, rings, and 4 different earrings in my ears.  hippie chick look.  non-conformist.  i loved my look, my style.  i rocked it.

after getting so sick 15 yrs. ago, it all came off.  i haven't worn necklaces in all that time.  last night, i was watching a show, and they mentioned a 'stone of valor'.  it got me to thinking that i needed something tangible to remind myself that the cloak is off and needs to stay off.  i found two stones from necklaces, one is turquoise in an unorthodox setting, one is my birthstone, a small opal.  i found some embroidery floss and made them into necklaces.  the turquoise is my stone of valor for tackling the beast of perfection and breaking it apart, the opal is the reclaiming of my true self, my humanness, and the floss is for the imperfection of not having silver or gold chains for these stones.  perfection be dammed (metaphorical spelling). 

jd, i sincerely hope you can best your own perfection beast.  i know how exhausting it is to go through all those hoops in whatever you're doing to attempt to make it perfect.  i also know what it's like to expect perfection from those around us, those we care about, those we count on, like your therapist.

i agree, your therapist shouldn't have brought up the money issue.  i think it was a mistake.  that said, it was a mistake, not necessarily a deal-breaker, especially with all the other things that she's done for you and helped you with.  i know how difficult it is to get this stuff into some kind of meaningful perspective rather than seeing everything always as all or nothing, black and white.

my heart is totally with you, jd.  i can't explain the feeling of relief i'm experiencing, enjoying, and nurturing.  i slept better last night.   i woke up, felt my stone of valor around my neck, touched it, and smiled immediately.   this is real.  it is a beginning.  i hope you find yours soon.  it's such a light feeling.  that cloak is so gol-durned heavy!!!  big hug!

[jdcooper]

San,

So glad you are feeling relief.  You are an inspiration to me and love your making of your stone of valor.  That's the way to be self-nurturing.

I talked to my therapist today.  The reason I was so obsessed and perfectionistic with those two questions is the inner conflict I am wrestling with regarding going from being an attorney to a medical coder.  I am keeping my bar license active and we sometimes talk about me going back into law.  At 52 with no other specialty other than bankruptcy and not wanting to go back to bankruptcy I don't see how I am going back to law; but the hope is still there.  The medical coding is considered entry level.  My therapist also said she doesn't think I should put my law experience on my resume in going after a medical coding job because of how that would be perceived.  She thinks employers would toss my resume.  That means I essentially have to live a lie in any job I get.  How am I going to make friends with my coworkers when I can't tell the truth about my life.  That's what I am experiencing at my volunteer job at the hospital-no one knows I was an attorney and it has the affect of me not wanting to talk about myself.  This is all so complex.  I have to try and find a way to re frame this so that I can be kinder and gentler to myself.  I could look at it this way.  I retired from law and want to do something fun and easy for awhile.  I have to create a resume that will pass muster for an entry level job.  I can talk to people about work, pets, vacations, husbands etc.  I have to think positively. 

On the insurance issue.  She admitted she was wrong in telling me (evidently its a $25 reduction per hour of service, ($65 instead of $90).  She said she is so mad at insurance companies, Aetna, in particular for reducing fees.  She thinks its going to discourage psychotherapists from going into the work.  She feels the practice is being disrespected and that the new medical model of encouraging people to go to their psychiatrist for a 15 minute medication check instead of therapy is so wrong.  I told her about each instance she mentioned my "poor insurance."  She just kept saying she shouldn't have said it.  That she never meant it personally directed at me.  I said what if you just don't want to see me anymore because of the poor insurance.  She said she would never do that and that she has even continued seeing people who can no longer afford her services at all. She also said she feels we have a good relationship and we can handle this rift.  So in her actions she is quite generous, in her words she comes across as resentful.   I offered to make up the difference and she immediately said no, "unless you are rolling in the money and i know you are not".

She also said she is reading Pete Walkers book and that she thinks its fantastic.  She said it gave her ideas on helping other clients too.

[radical]

At 52 with no other specialty other than bankruptcy and not wanting to go back to bankruptcy I don't see how I am going back to law; but the hope is still there.  The medical coding is considered entry level.  My therapist also said she doesn't think I should put my law experience on my resume in going after a medical coding job because of how that would be perceived.  She thinks employers would toss my resume.  That means I essentially have to live a lie in any job I get.  How am I going to make friends with my coworkers when I can't tell the truth about my life.  That's what I am experiencing at my volunteer job at the hospital-no one knows I was an attorney and it has the affect of me not wanting to talk about myself.  This is all so complex

Hi JD,
This is so close to my own situation it's eerie.

Also a former professional, also a volunteer now, often finding myself talked down to by people with less quals and experience, also unable to tell almost anyone the truth about myself and my life, and the toll that has taken on relationships.

This is such a vulnerable position socially. I wonder how many people this happens to.

Having restored some of my dignity recently, I see in retrospect how some of the issues you've described here led to my increasingly self-defeating behaviour, being taken advantage of and abused, led to me increasingly accepting of being treated like dirt and never sticking up for myself.  There was a lot more to my situation, but I thank you for raising this.  I'd like to use this as a foundation for a separate post, if I may, because I think responses to journal posts shouldn't veer off into another person's subject matter.

I did try to raise this issue, along with a whole lot of surrounding baggage in my case, that affected my life, with my T and was never allowed to discuss it.  Was told it was a non-issue.  It was one of the things that in a post trying to unravel the issues with her, I said I'd recently asked her if we could agree to disagree about.  I didn't see my being silenced over this as a red flag, but a difference of opinion.  I wish I had realised how important it was to find that issues such as this, issues that caused me pain and confusion in a number of diverse situations with other people, that profoundly affected my ability to know how to relate to people, were repeatedly brushed aside, and, just as importantly, the effect of allowing them to be. I was colluding with my therapist overwriting my own lived experience with her belief system, her right to ignore the effects of her own privilege, and her resultant ignorance.  Red flag.

Worst of all, her doing so was a perfect example to the very kind of experience that I was needing to unravel. I so much needed to find a way to reclaim my power and relate to others as an equal, not a fawning, obsequious, whipped dog.

Said too much about me here.  Apologies. I'd keep an eye on the situation with your therapist.  Not saying you have a problem, just that you may need to keep an eye out for the possiblity of one emerging.

[jdcooper]

Radical,  I would love to hear more about your experience in having to step down, in terms of your vocation.  Also what do you mean by keeping an eye on the situation with my therapist?  The insurance situation or something else?

[radical]

JD, therapists are only human.  But I suspect my expectations were too low, and I was too easily spurred to gratitude and too eager to ignore problems.  This was a pattern in all my relationships.  I don't know if this applies to you.  What I noticed was that your therapist seemed to prioritise justifying herself and her feelings over your feelings and needs.  I didn't notice anything in what you wrote that said she 'got it' and in fact seemed to highlight her own 'goodness' in pointing out that the payment differential was even greater than you realised and also in pointing out other good deeds. She also justified why she was so disgruntled, ie the implications for psychotherapy etc.  Again - not the issue.

What would have been better from my point of veiw would have been a clean, clear apology and then asking to hear how you felt each time it happened, and an acknowledgement of understanding.  But then people are human, we all mess up and want to explain why, before, or instead of, hearing how the other person tell us how they were affected, sometimes.

I've been burned.  It will take a long time to make sense of my experience, and in the meantime I'm probably over-cautious.  I don't see my therapist as being a bad person, but she wasn't the right person for me, and that is a factor in therapy too - the match of strengths and weaknesses between two people and how they interact - for the good and the not so good.  I won't comment further about your therapist because the danger of my being triggered and overreacting as a result is too great.

My own story is too complicated to explain easily.  A cascade of traumas, and resulting legal battles completely overwhelmed me for many years.  I had never been able to get back up basically.  I do feel I'm getting up now after a 'false start' involving a vicious narc wiped out my previous, precarious social networks.

One of the issues that I wanted to deal with in therapy but was not able to, is that I have no children, partner or job and a big black whole, two decades long that I can't explain when I get to know people.  I've never known what to say about my life.  The truth is far too personal, painful, complex and 'othering'.  I can't talk about when my life was more "normal" without having to field questions about why I'm not still working as I was, why I can't.  With women the biggest issues are around being childless and partnerless.  These are painful matters for me, particularly not having children because it was what I wanted most in life.  I don't want to be in the position of having to lie.

I still need a way to deal with this.  People choose all sorts of lifestyles, but mine wasn't a lifestyle but severe ptsd, social anxiety and depression. Hence a 'tainted' social identity.  Not saying anything, and defelecting questions creates issues. In the past, I tended to relate most easily to people who made up for the gap where I should have been, with themselves. Which was a recipe for disaster. I need to find a way of answering the difficult questions in a way I can feel okay with.

One thing I can say here, is that the decade of legal battles weren't for my benefit, were really courageous, and caused further harm to me.  I was trying to do what I believed was the right thing in preventing other people being harmed as I had been.

[jdcooper]

Radical,

I think you are right.  Truthfully, when I woke up this morning I didn't feel better.  I still think she would rather see someone who she gets paid more to see.  She said she likes treating me.  I know she enjoys it.  But she didn't make me feel better about  the vulnerability I feel.  She never did apologize for making me feel bad.  In fact at one point she said she thought we had already talked about it once.  It irritates me when she doesn't remember things and I have to repeat them.  I don't know what to do, bring it up again until she acknowledges just how painful a feeling it was (just like when my dad made me feel like crap about money.)   Is me bringing it up again just an indication of how much power over me she has and just reenforcing that? And making me feel even more vulnerable.  She is very money conscious.  She is very opinionated.  Sometimes she has no filter when those two things come together.  I don't know.  I am in a really bad mood ever since she told me I would probably have to doctor up my resume in getting a new job.  To know that I have to go on feeling like I do now, which is a stifling feeling of not wanting to talk about myself-its just very depressing.  Its not fair to have this CPSTD and go through all the pain of learning in therapy how to be vulnerable with people to get to know them and realize you can't even use the skills you are learning in therapy.  That just sucks.

I know you had a terrible experience with therapy.  I have been completely betrayed by a therapist before; sexually exploited; then lied to about the betrayal I felt; by telling me my pain was just part of the process of therapy; because he was scared he would get caught.  When I found a new pyschiatrist he was the kindest most fatherly man.  He went out of his way to make me feel safe and protected and cared for.  But we had problems too.  He was much much older and would forget things all the time.  Sometimes he even fell asleep in sessions.  I forgave him because he was so caring.  Maybe I should cut my therapist some slack on this one issue.  I am sure she will never bring it up again.

It makes me sad when people have been through so much pain and then get abused again by someone in the caring profession.  I can tell you that I have healed from it and rarely, rarely think about this therapist.  Are you going to pursue other therapy? Or take a break?

[radical]

Hi JD,
In answer to your question - I don't know.

The thing with your therapist - it seems that how well you are able to work with her might depend on how well you are able to be aware of, and manage the issues and resultant blind spots that belong to her.  Therapists get to pick and choose which, if any, of their issues they  address and they are not accountable to us in doing so.

There can be a serious problem in a therapist's problem impacting on us, and in turn that impact affecting them, and the whole thing going around in circles.  This problem also happens in reverse, obviously. We can't change anyone else, but if we are affected in our therapy we have to find a way to manage these kinds of problems to stop them causing barriers to what we need to do.

Part of therapy is exploring our own values and philosophical, political, and spiritual understandings.  What can unhelpful in doing so, is  a therapist not understanding the barrier between their's and ours. It made me uncomfortable to hear that the two of you 'chat' about such things because if she has the desire or need to explore her own understandings, or worse have them validated, she needs to do that with someone else.

The issue that should have taken precedence was the impact on you and what that raised for you.  The issue that appeared to take precedence was how she felt.  It seems to me that you are now in the position of finding a way to address your issue without setting off her's.

One way of avoiding this may be to keep right away from general chats about philosophy, spirituality, ethics or politics, from ever finding out what her thoughts are on any of those matters.  At the beginning of a session there might be a place for  light, ice-breaking, inconsequential, chit-chat, but beyond this.....? 

I'm sure she has plently of avenues for discussing such things for herself, outside of your therapy.  If she had done a great deal of work on herself, she might be in a position to have insight into her own stuff and therefore the wisdom and humility to very selctively bring some of her own experiences into therapy, for your benefit, in a way which isn't exploitative and which doesn't place covert demands on you.

Therapy always involves two hurt people, but the hurts and needs that must be focusued on explicitly and implicitly are your's.

I hope you can find a way to address or manage things so that you have the space and freedom to do the work you need to do.  There is no uninjured person, therapist or not, in this broken world.

[sanmagic7]

hey, jd,

i didn't get around to writing this when i first read it, but i want to add this to some of the concerns you and radical are already discussing, if i may.  an alarm bell went off for me when you talked about offering to pay your t the difference financially and she didn't outright refuse. 

i practiced in the states, and, altho every t has a little bit of wiggle room of their own in the matter of accepting gifts from clients, by and large it wouldn't be ethical for her to accept money from you (if that's where this is happening.  in other countries, i don't know.)  that would be a professional no-no.  i didn't like that she hinted that something like that might be viable if you had lots of money.  personally and professionally, i would never even entertain such an idea, no matter how rich you might be!  like i said, she made an agreement with the insurance co. on your fee.  it's not up to you to fix that. 

like radical said, your job is to look into, explore, get help with your own issues, not be concerned with hers.   i think you both have brought up some valid points about your own feelings with this issue, and about how she's handled it.  it doesn't feel good to me, either.

as far as bringing this issue up again, i think it depends on how much time and energy you want to invest in it.  speaking to your goals in therapy, will it benefit you more, move you forward, to bring it up or to set it aside, just move on with dealing with your issues?  that's a decision for you to make, and whichever way you decide to go is valid.  it's your therapy, your recovery - you get to do what's best for you.

are you able to go in and have therapy with her, regardless of what you are thinking she may want to do - if she'd rather work with someone else or not?  be careful of making assumptions.  if you need to ask her again, point blank, accept her answer and you can base your decision on that.  if you're feeling uncomfortable, and that discomfort is going to get in the way of having meaningful sessions with her, you may want to re-think the situation. 

i also don't know how she could tell you that about your resume.  how does she know that, to say it so bluntly?   i couldn't say that to a client - i couldn't even say that to anyone.  i don't know why, what, or how about resumes, not in that context.  does she have a business degree or something?  worked in HR for hiring purposes?  this is probably just me, but i don't understand this.  what i do understand is that she gave you an opinion, her opinion, and it's caused you discomfort, even distress.  is that something to talk to her about?

i share the pain of betrayal by therapists.  i have not had one yet who didn't inflict more pain on me.  not in the states nor in mexico.  i've worked with 2 counselors, who were helpful for me, but there was no trauma healing done.  just help and support for what i was going thru at the time.

you're absolutely right that it isn't fair, it isn't right, it isn't ok to be hurt even further by those in the helping professions, whether it's mental, spiritual, or physical health.   i absolutely hate that those with the power (i don't see them as authority figures, but that's just me.) abuse it, take advantage of someone's vulnerability, prey on the people they're supposed to be helping, and then even turn it around (that pain is just part of the therapy process?  b.s.) to make us feel responsible or bad for what they shouldn't have done in the first place.  it just adds another layer on top of all the layers we're already dealing with.  grrrrr!!!   

just my opinions.  best wishes with all this, jd.  i'd say, if you were asking, to go with your gut on this.  not fair at all.   

[jdcooper]

I am very depressed.  I didn't sleep again last night.  When I asked my therapist whether she would rather see someone with full insurance she said yes.  So she already has given her answer.  She gives too much advice. Like what to put on my resume.  She talks to me too much about going back to the legal field. That should be my choice not her continued bringing it up.  I think she doesn't think medical coding is good enough.  She isn't giving me enough room to form my own opinions.  I think I have to terminate therapy and I am terrified

[radical]

I'm really sorry you weren't able to work this out.

[Downsideup]

Not all therapists are a perfect match, so don't be too hard on yourself. If your therapist would rather have someone with insurance (which is kind of a rude thing to say to someone without it tbh) then terminate and find someone who will be more accepting of you in the future. Of course, this is easier said than done, and im really sorry youve had to go through such a hard time with your previous therapist...good luck jd