Becoming calm and clear-headed during conflict?

[Sesame]

Has anyone ever managed it? I get wracked with anxiety, start shaking, going red in the face, feel my eyes watering... Inside it's sheer panic and a million negative thoughts a minute. I completely lose it. Has anyone else who suffers from this succeeded at becoming calm and collected during any type of conflict? Please note that, for me, conflict can be as tiny as simply sharing an opinion that differs. I won't have that bad of a reaction, but I'll still feel my heart thumping and my voice wavering ever so slightly. It's enough to make me incredibly self-conscious.

[Max]

Hi sesame,
What you describe has been so normal for me, I never thought to ask about it. I'm glad you did.  I have never noticed how it shows on the outside, but just to speak up around people I don't know very well i am full of anxiety. I can feel my heart racing and am a nervous wreck.  Until I understood it as anxiety, not long ago, I just thought that it was me being 'shy'.  In a classroom or meeting, it felt awful when I had to speak up in front of others.  It has and does contribute to my isolation.

With People I know very well it is still bad when it is a contentious issue. Now that I understand my own issues better, I try to catch myself and stay calm as I'm saying something, even though inside I am everything but.  My husband would say, it's not what you say, it's how you say it and he would also comment about 'how my face looks'.  Most the time, He can't say that anymore and it has also helped me to make my point clearly that as much as he trys,  it does not get deflected back at me.  It is definitely difficult to deal with.

[Spirals]

Hi, Sesame

I have mostly gotten over my confrontation anxiety but it goes into and out of remission along with my cptsd. I used to be very aggressive during confrontations or too passive. But I'm naturally more on the assertive side, which helps.

I've found its similar to phobias. You have to slowly increase your ability to tolerate the anxiety. So your brain can be retrained into viewing conflict as less of a life or death situation or a situation that is highly unpleasant. But just an activity that sometimes has to happen even if it is a little uncomfortable.

If you have a good friend (or person) you trust, I would see if you could practice on them with minor things like changing the radio, offering a contradictory opinion, etc. I think this works best if they know, so they aren't wondering why you are acting different. And then work your way up to harder conflicts

I feel your pain, though. I shake and become highly disoriented if I have to give a presentation. It's really embarrassing, and I wish there was a button to press to make it go away.

[kaji]

Over the years, this has been the hardest for me!  I have wrecked alot of friendships & relationships and have caused alot of unnecessary turmoil with no understanding as to why!  When I read this article the other night it gave me a whole new insight as to why and brought tears to my eyes!  Here is the link-   "Understanding Complex Trauma, Complex Reactions, and Treatment Approaches" http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/cptsd-understanding-treatment.html