What's the use?

[bring em all in]

I've read Pete Walker's book and I am in therapy. I've acknowledged much of the emotional and physical trauma from my childhood and adolescence, as well as my adulthood. I am nowhere near processing it and getting free of the physical (brain) and emotional effects. Doing a life survey I found that nowhere along the path of my life have I seen a place where it is safe to say what I truly think and feel, other than in a therapist's office.

Expressing sadness, despair, or anger is no more "allowed" in my current 20-year marriage than it was during the creation of my C-PTSD. I know I won't divorce, so I wonder what's the point of confronting my painful past and making the journey through it when I've recreated my past in my present?

My wife has been very supportive as I've had to go on disability retirement at age 53. In many ways she has been a tower of strength. I know that some of the problems I experience with her are instances of me over-reacting/being overly sensitive, but there are consistent situations that are really emotionally unsafe for me.  I can see how she feels unequipped to handle the symptoms of my Bipolar II and C-PTSD and that most of the time she does her best. Still, she has her own issues from childhood and often rejects/opposes me expressing my difficulties or standing up for myself. I think she is used to us having a mother-child relationship in a way, And her mother was an exemplar of dysfunctional/cruel parenting.

I am generally conflict-aversive and usually retreat to freeze or fawn when conflicts with my wife arise, although I do resort to fight (verbal) at times, but I seem to over-react when I do so. My verbal fight is almost always followed by my profusely apologizing and fawning/groveling to get back in her good graces- just as I did in childhood.

I have so much anger and rage inside me from swallowing my feelings all my life that I am afraid to even consider letting it loose.

Is the battle to come to grips with C-PTSD going to be worth it if this is what I have to look forward to? My psychiatrist says to look for a safe relationship elsewhere (not cheating- but finding a safe meditation group, friends, etc...)

Any thought on this?

[Blossoming]

I'm having similar issues right now. I believe my husband and I both have C-PTSD and perhaps other diagnoses but one thing is for certain we have both treated each other poorly at various times in our 18 years together.

I still think it's worth it to work on my own issues regardless of if my husband is ready or able to work on his own childhood trauma or handle the fact that I need to work on mine. It may not be the perfect/ideal situation but at least I am now more aware and can count on myself to take good care of me. I'm hoping my spouse will see this positive change in me and it might inspire him to make an attempt to delve into working on his own issues. If not at least I am developing appropriate boundaries and not engaging nearly as much in unhealthy relationship patterns with him.

You are right that all of this can be hard to process and work through but I truly believe it is better than burying our heads in the sand so to speak and trying to deny or ignore our issues. For me things always come to the surface anyway but the impact seems much  more destructive when I'm not facing things head on.

These are just my thoughts and it may or may not be the same for you. I do believe it is very important for us to have safe, supportive, loving relationships and sometimes we have to start with treating ourselves that way before we can have that type of relationship with others. 

I hope you know that you (just like everyone else) deserve to be able to face and process the things that are negatively impacting your quality life so you might find healing.

[radical]

If you are meeting resistance from your wife it's likely you are changing your way of being in the world, and that may be a really good thing.  It is hard for others to adjust, but it doesn't mean she won't adjust.  Could she be insecure about losing her place in your life and in your heart?  is there a way you could gently start opening a dialogue?

Sometimes it is when things seems hopeless that good things start to happen.  I know that's not always the case, but sometimes giving up on unhappy convictions and certainties can be opening the way for new and better things.

I really hope that is the case with you.  Take care.

[bring em all in]

Thanks for the thoughtful posts, Blossoming and radical! My therapist and I were discussing this issue this morning and she said kind of what both of you did. She pointed out that I see/experience much of my life through the prism of my inner critic, and I often create no-win situations for myself and others.

So, with her advice and yours to inspire me, task 1 is learning to deal with that inner critic- the voice inside that loathes me, catastrophises everything, sees mainly the negative to the exclusion of the positive, minimizes the past and exaggerates the present, and seems impervious to reason.

That should keep me busy for a while!