need support and understanding please

[Lozzy]

Hi all, Just need to share a little of my story. I have recently received a decision from the Crown Prosecution Service as to whether to charge my historical childhood sexual abuser. After 20 months of a police investigation it has been decided that they are unable to charge, mainly due to the evidence of his ex wife, in which she lied through her teeth to cover herself and in the process got him off the hook. Also the scum emigrated to Australia so he could never be questioned due to extradition law. However I have been informed that the Australian Police have a duty to safeguard the children around him and his family will be interviewed, he however will not. The fact that this is happening has given me peace of mind as the safety of children from this scum has been a huge priority to me.
I guess I just need to off load to people who truly understand what it means to have to endure CPTSD. Although there has been a positive outcome in terms of protecting other kids, my symptoms are full blown at the moment. The emotional pain feels unbearable. I have great support from the NHS but no-one can really "get it" unless they have been through abuse themselves. Just need to connect and reach out to others out there . Love and healing to you all xx
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[Wife#2]

Welcome to Out of the Storm. I think you will find people here who DO get it and who can offer the validation you deserve. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, and to have it stirred back up with the legal case attempt.

Here is a cyber-hug to let you know that you are welcomed, believed and a worthwhile person: 

[mourningdove]

Hi Lozzy, 

I'm sorry you are feeling such unbearable pain. Also sorry to hear that they aren't able to prosecute, but glad to hear that the other children will be better protected.

It must have been so difficult to go through the legal process. I have nothing but admiration for you. I'm here listening and hoping that you can soon feel some measure of safety and peace.

[Three Roses]

So sorry you had to go thru all that legal mumbo jumbo. It's good though that people will be interviewed and children protected. Hugs to you!

[Lozzy]

thank you all for your messages xx the emotional flashbacks are the worse , especially the fear and anxiety , praying that they start to calm down , feel as though I am back there all those decades ago , feel as though I am dying , so scary . Sending healing hugs to you all x

[Dee]

Welcome, I think you will find support and understanding here.  While no two experiences are exactly the same we unfortunately share similar symptoms.  I hope you find the connection with people here as much as I do.

[deptofhearts]

Oh no, that sucks. Sorry it didn't pan out!  I totally get how you must be feeling.
Just this morning I cried over such a heinous lack of justice in the system - I have twice made official statements to the police about my childhood abuser  - when I was 17 and again when I was 21 - the second time as my mother had left him and could finally admit I was telling the truth, so I thought her recanted-denial of my story when they questioned her first time around would help. Not at all! Even with a counselor from Wellington Rape Crisis centre with me as support while I gave my statement at the New Zealand Police Child Services dept, the overly casual officer somehow left out of my statement the major detail that I had already laid a charge against my stepfather - this was astonishing as it was a huge part of my story and a part I most definitely included,  I had a witness now (my mum) who would back me up - I explained all of that etc etc.... but this officer sent 2 local officers to question my stepfather who was and still is a prominent vet in a small farming town and his lawyer informed them if they come to him again he is suing the police department and also me for defamation of his clients character. So, back at the NZ Police Child Services the overseeing officer informed me his men "came back with egg on their faces" as I had not made them aware of a previous charge I had made. So out the case went. This was with my witness having heard my statement - yet that kind, well-meaning lady couldn't handle the confrontation so wouldn't come back in to back me up. 

I am 43 now, it seems every other day I wish for justice over this. Am considering trying again... but now I live in New York not New Zealand, too hard from here. And the pedophile is still at large - I wasn't the first and I know I wouldn't have been the last. His damage to me was vast and on many levels, but he will face the music someday, in this life or the next. 
Yay for action though, you fought back and that means something. X

[Dee]

My dad was prosecuted.  I don't know, I feel justice is overrated.  My abuse is now part of public record.  I worry that my kids will do a small thing like search my dad's name and know.  My ex-husband told me with my past no judge would ever give me custody.  It wasn't a threat I was willing to explore and there is no denying it happened.  I have spent years beating myself up over the things he has suffered in prison.

Also my dad was prosecuted for rape and incest.  The incest charge might as well just have my name written behind it.  I feel like deepest, darkest thing is available for anyone to see.

I know many people would love the validation that I had.  Yet, it was never like my family rallied around me and accepted it.  I'm probably not being grateful for justice, I don't know.  I know I have work to do, guilt to overcome, shame.  I feel guilty and his prison sentence added another layer of guilt.  I also have immense guilt for putting my mother in such a financial hardship.

I have always felt that nothing good came from it.  I am sorry for all who want justice and don't get. 

[deptofhearts]

Dee, so many pockets of humanity all around the world don't look after victims of abuse, and going through a prosecution - telling the facts is retraumatizing let alone having the mixed emotions of the abuser being family. You are a hero. You really are.  Your Dad made his choices and you aren't responsible for that, he alone is, and all the consequences that follow. You may have more healing to do but look how strong you have been, and that's without the support you deserve. Once again, you are a hero. Your ex-husband should never have used that delicate disclosure against you to gain custody, unfair and untrue. Shame be gone, I think you are amazing.

[Dee]

Thank you, I don't feel much like a hero, but I appreciate it.  Recently, I was asked how did I do it?  It is a question I can't answer.  I just did.  At the time it just was.  I feel like sometimes in life there are not many options and we have to do things.  My abuse was discovered, I didn't tell.  I did tell the police, detectives, and the assistant district attorney once it came out.  My dad confessed and accepted a plea bargain.  I think that saved me a lot of pain.

My ex did not get custody of the kids.  I stayed until they were old enough and divorced earlier this year.  Maybe he would of never gotten custody if we divorced earlier this year.  He did tell me he would have tried and gone through with his threat of exposing me.  In a weird way, I appreciated that he said that.  I know I stuck with it for a reason.