Hope66's Journal

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you left your words just as they were - they made total sense to me.  i love the idea of 'unblending' with those parts we've been attached to in such a way as they've seemed to be parts of our 'selves'.  shifting body positions sounds valid for that.

i'm also glad you feel better today, hope.  the one constant in life is that things will change.  right?  it's so true.  they always do, in some way, shape, or form.

big hug to you, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

Glad you're finding a way to heal that works for you, Hope.  I didn't read the same book, but I've tried similar ways of healing too. These often allow a way to be more deeply aware of ourselves somehow, and you can't heal what you're not aware of after all. Sometimes I healed not by changing what's inside, but simply being aware of them. Somehow with being a little more aware, what I tried to force change into unfolds naturally.

When I read about your Stockholm Syndrome, it reminded me of a movie I had to critique for English class. (Hey, even specialized STEM students need to learn how to communicate, right?) I remember Evey from the movie V for Vendetta was held captive in a prison after being accused of crimes against the dictatorship of the government. Even when she was told she was about to be executed, she didn't give away the location of who she worked with. After her last refusal, the guard told her she was completely free -- she had no fear.

It was strange how the guard said she was free, even if she was held captive externally.

She had a different kind of freedom.

Well, see you around.   

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thank you so much for all that you wrote here - it's good to hear from you, and I agree that being able to be more deeply aware of ourselves and parts of ourselves is helpful.  Awareness, that's a key, isn't it.    It was interesting to hear about the movie you critiqued and the character V for Vendetta, and how she was 'free' even in a captive situation - because she had no fear.  You're right, it's the 'fear' that can hold us captive - regardless of whatever scenario/situation we are in, and that's why I am working on helping my 'Little Hope' that feels fear to feel 'safer' and in the end I hope that me and all the little parts of me will feel free - in the end.  Thank you again for your reflections, they are helpful.    to you as well.

***
Journal entry for 10th March 2018

I have been expressing quite a lot of emotion today - as well as feeling over-whelmed by triggers related to the fact it is Mother's Day in the UK tomorrow - I wanted to change things around this year, and try not to be affected by it, but of course I have lots of conflict within, and my 'parts' are all reeling from the reactions to that occasion - and I'm doing my best to 'cope' - as a functioning adult woman.  But it's tough!!!!  I'm crumbling sometimes, and other times I feel ok.  It feels like a roller-coaster - and I know it's because I'm thinking things through - and listening to different viewpoints - not only within my own 'parts' but also all the 'expectations' of people around me - in real life.  All the adverts on TV for buying great presents, special meals - etc. etc.  It's endless - that's a bit how it feels right now.  But after tomorrow - it will be over.  I have some other significant dates (related to FOO) coming up - beyond that, but I will get through those as well.  That is what I'm telling myself.

It feels 'ridiculous' at one level, as I'm not even in contact anymore, but it's like I am held responsible - something keeps me from being free to 'break free' - I am 'tied'.  That's how it feels.

I guess the other thing is that reading the book about 'Fragmented parts'  brings it home to me how much those contrasting agendas have held me back from living my life - so it's bringing up a sense of loss and grief - which is so much more than the original issues that I was aware of.

But you know, I think this is also a good thing, as I am literally 'waking up' some parts of me that have been frozen, and which could breathe and enjoy life, if they were given the opportunity to do so. 

I know that things will get better - I really believe they will - because I feel as if I have a 'key' that will work - and which will enable me to better understand and be more aware of how my mind and my personality fit and work together.  How I cope, and how I can adapt - and I am feeling greater self-awareness than I have done previously - and it makes more sense of many things - like the puzzle is beginning to fit together - and there are less bits missing.

Some clarity.

I feel better already, just for having written this - but I have also been talking to my partner a lot today, and that has also been really helpful. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal entry for 15th March 2018
I'm alone as I write this, although since I've been learning about 'fragmented parts' - I no longer feel 'alone' as I know I have many parts of myself that are wounded, and therefore I can befriend them, and they are close to me, even though I am physically alone at this moment.  That's interesting and somehow comforting, and I don't even mind my 'critics' because I know they have been around to protect my more vulnerable parts - so they've been functional in that.

I was a bit freaked out this week - mainly because of feeling over-whelmed in trying to comprehend everything, and understand the book I'm reading.  It's quite complex, but I feel it makes sense too - and I am trying to pace my way through it. 

I managed to cope with Mother's Day - mainly by keeping very busy for most of the day - doing physical stuff that needed doing, and I also coped with meeting other people's wishes for celebrating the day - I won't say more than that, except that I found it quite tough.  But I got through it.  I was ok.

One of my friends had contacted me to ask if I was ok - this worried me, because one of my coping strategies is often to appear as if things 'are ok' - i.e. I can show a very calm exterior, and therefore I am surprised if someone then asks me if I'm ok - infact I'm not really used to people asking me that - it's like I would be invisible and coping, and I'd be surprised if anyone took the bother to find out if I was ok.  Like I'd think 'Are you talking to me?' - as if that would be a surprising thing.  The book I was reading had commented that sometimes people who are dissociated can end up communicating via E-mail or text inbetween therapy sessions, without the knowledge of the 'host' adult - and I actually worried that maybe I was one of those people who doesn't know when I've communicated - and that maybe I'd sent an E-mail to my friend that had concerned her.  I still haven't brought myself to check this out yet. 

I have had large sections of my life that I've seemed to block out/forget - and it's not purely times from when I was a small child, it's throughout my life, and that worries me that maybe I dissociated so much for those events/times, that I just conveniently blocked/erased them from my memory - or maybe I 'wasn't myself' at those times - I have identified some very variant parts of myself - which have very different personalities, and that is why I rarely touch alcohol, because I really fear what I 'might do' if I did.  I am scared to enter any scenario or situation where I might be 'out of control' in some way - or not completely in control.

I'm not saying I'm a 'controlling person' - because there's a very subservient aspect to my personality, but again, even as I say that, I know there are other sides that express different sides/aspects.

I have also noticed that a relationship I have with a friend has 'changed' a bit, as I've been a bit more 'assertive' in how I expressed myself - and she was shocked I think - and she seems to be 'digging at me' when she sees me - as if I've hurt a wounded part of her and she is going to take months to forgive me.  I can see that wounded part of her now, more clearly, and I feel bad for having been more assertive.  But at the same time, I feel that I have a right to talk about things that matter to me as well - and not just be a listening ear for her issues and her problems.  I also hope that my critic isn't getting over-involved in this, and trying to sabotage my friendship with her, and make me friendless - I'm not going to allow that to happen, so a part of me is going to be careful about that.

I'm wondering if I need to try to have some therapy now, that I have a framework to 'work within' - but then I wonder - how will a therapist cope with all of this.  I don't think they will.  I don't want them to think I'm crazy, because I know I"m not crazy.  But I know that the way I'm talking about all of this could sound a bit bizarre. 

Each time I write something here, I then face the 'critical parts' telling me that I'm 'bad' in some way - that people will say 'Look at her, she's a know-it-all - what does she know really!!!?' - it is very bad afterwards, but I just reply that I need to do it, because this forum is a safe and validating place, and I want to get these things out and share them, it feels therapeutic and it feels like the right thing to do.

I feel a pressure infact - to express some of these things, like I'm impelled to do so, for the sake of my Little Hopes who want me to help them and get them through all of this.

I've remembered a dream I had, so I'm going to write about that now.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i give you so much credit and want to validate you as a person struggling with a wounding - this beast of c-ptsd.  i'm so glad you were able to write, share, and not delete.  thank you for letting it out, especially if it helps you.  your vulnerability lands in soft strong hands here.

i totally relate to being asked 'how are you?' by someone when it isn't something i've been used to.  i had one friend who would do that regularly, and it would always take me by surprise.  i, too, was always the strong one, the one who took care of things, who had the 'i'm always ok' face on, so for someone to attempt to penetrate that would kind of knock me off center for a bit.

i'm glad for you that you were assertive with your friend.  yeah, they can be taken aback at having a real person they're dealing with, but it sounds like you'll do what you are able to make sure the relationship isn't shredded beyond repair.  i hope the friend feels the same way.  this could really bring you closer together. 

as far as therapy, if you are able to find the right t for you, i believe it will be beneficial.  your call, of course.  i know you're not crazy, everyone here knows you're not crazy, and a good t will not believe you are crazy, either.  anyone who even hints at that is not worth your time or money.

you are such a caring person, writing this stuff down in order to let your little hopes know that you are doing what's necessary to take care of them.  i don't doubt they appreciate it tremendously.  keep going, hope.  i think you're doing really well.  warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Hope. Thanks for introducing me to the book you're reading. The passages and comments you have on them are insightful, and I regret not buying that book last time I had my book allowance. I understand being overwhelmed with trying to learn something - intellectually and emotionally. I have my own subjects I'm confused about. Damn statistics class, and how to trust. . .

I don't like showing people my own pain either. I'm not much of a good actor hiding it sometimes. I always tend to come off as nice-person-trying-to-be-cold than someone cold.  But even if they know what emotion are there, I won't admit it and say why these are there. I want those reasons to look ordinary, not CPTSD level reasons like it is.

I can relate to fearing that a part of me would be out of control. I have some not-so-nice sides of me I wouldn't enjoy being too blended with.

Conflicts with a friend can be tough. Remember you have the right to speak up for yourself. If both parties are willing to listen and trust each other, they can actually get closer.

Reminds me of the mathematics of relationships. Apparently some nerdy people tried to calculated the number of times people agree and disagree in a conversation, and counted how long their relationship lasted. It's not the ones who have no conflicts that last. It's those who have small conflicts over time, rather than leaving it out for a big one to explode that actually last.

Hope, I don't think you're crazy. I've thought of crazier things than this, and I don't think that those really count as crazy. People who suspect they're crazy are probably the ones who are least crazy.

y=1−(∣x∣−1)2‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾‾√,arccos(1−∣x∣)−π, Hope, which by the way is the equation of the graph of a heart. Hey, don't look at me like that!

Take care, Hope. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for everything you said in your reply to me here, and also for your encouragement too - I appreciate it.  I don't have your faith that a T won't think I'm 'crazy' though - I honestly don't have that faith in them - but that's not unusual, as I don't have faith in medical people generally - I am distrustful of them.  I can't help it.  I suspect there is a wounded part of me that doesn't trust them, and thinks they will potentially hurt/harm me.  But, if I do go for therapy with anyone, I know I could see the person I saw previously - and I think I could trust her - although to be honest there are aspects of her physical appearance which remind me of my M, so that would be slightly difficult really - to get over that.  I guess it's a transference kind of thing.  They are afterall different people, but yet they are similar ages, and similar physical looks...!  This is interesting, as I wasn't thinking about that, until I started replying to you - but it is a factor, and I will think about it more.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you, SanMagic, and say how much I appreciate your support and your care.

Hi Decimal Rocket - I am glad you have found that book to be helpful - Whobuddy told me about it, and I am so happy to have found it.    Yes, it has been very overwhelming lately - learning something new and also trying to process all these new things too - both intellectually and emotionally, as you say. 

I found it interesting what you said about 'showing people... your own pain' - and it made me think that regarding my own pain, I think I'm actually quite dissociated from it - i.e. I rarely 'feel things' - even temperature or any other discomfort, and yet in the past couple of days, I have actually begun to 'feel' more things - i.e. I have experienced indigestion today - and I never usually become aware of anything like that.  So I wonder if I'm getting in touch with more physical things.

I do get headaches, and pain in the left-hand-side of my head, near the temple - quite often, but it's not been as frequent as it used to be, and I've been feeling calmer. 

Decimal Rocket - when you said that you have some 'not-so-nice sides' of yourself that you wouldn't enjoy being too blended with - I do relate to that - fearing what might happen if...  But sometimes I wonder if we stop ourselves from experiencing something, then maybe we won't know if it's as bad as we think it might be.  I will ponder on this more, as it could be helpful.

You're right, if both parties are willing to listen and trust each other, they can get closer, and my friendship is important to me, I won't step back from it - but I'll try to engage and work through things.

Thank you also for letting me know that you don't think I'm crazy - I appreciate that.  I think I worry about it sometimes - because I begin to doubt the veracity of my memories, and I wonder why I acted certain ways - at certain times, and it worries me.  But the fact that I think about it, and am concerned about it, I think that means I have a rational mind to consider it.

I really like the equation of the graph of a heart - you are lovely to share that.  Thank you!  You've made me smile.  I know it's going to be your Birthday soon, Decimal Rocket, and I very much hope that you will have a special day and that you'll know you have friends here - to share it with, if you want to. 

Take care.   

***

Journal Entry on 17th March 2018

I feel like it's been a bit of a roller-coaster for me this past week - but I also feel like it's been a worthwhile journey and I've been learning a lot of useful things - and making some good links and putting pieces of the puzzle together.  Fragments are connecting, and there's more of a sense of understanding. 

It's been very humbling to make contact with my Little Hope - and begin to befriend some of my wounded fragmented and wounded parts - and I'm tentatively connecting - and especially at night-time, I think I'm struggling with the difference between 'noticing them' and being 'blended with them' - which can be a bit discombobulating - to say the least.  Freaks me out a bit too, to be honest.  But essentially, I think that it will be positive and a 'way forward' - and I also feel that I can begin to experiment with my 'creativity' - which has felt stuck before - I think I know some ways I can loosen it up and 'do something creative' - I'll see how it goes.  Don't want to put those thoughts into words just yet, as I feel like it will be a bit of a jinx if I say it out loud.

Right at this moment, I feel positive.  I hope this feeling lasts - I do like it, for this moment.  It's a good feeling.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 21st March 2018
I am excited today - because I had put a question on the Blog post by Pete Walker, and he replied, and I am just sooooooo excited now!  I also feel quite a lot of emotion too - I think I need to calm down...  But I just wanted to share that it feels very exciting to have had some contact with him, and to have such an amazing reply - I have copied and pasted it into my 'helpful file' because I need to process it and there's a lot of information there, and I need to read it when I am calmer.


Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry for 21st March 2018 (2nd entry today):
I feel the need to write here, because I was feeling excited earlier, and a bit 'high on emotions' - and I'm coming back down again now, and I wanted to write that I feel quite 'emotionally exhausted' - underneath everything that has gone on over the past weeks.  The occasions I was dreading have both passed now, but it took such a lot of energy to get through them, and I have also been trying to process so many things - reading the new book and working on those things, and it's meant I've been 'getting in touch' with my 'wounded parts' and experiencing more things - I wanted to write about some of those things now - for example, I am 'feeling' more of my body - in that I am experiencing more pains and aches, and I can also feel that I'm experiencing things like indigestion - and I don't normally have any problem with those things - as I rarely 'feel' things.  I am adapt at dissociating and numbing and freezing - I suspect that is what it is.  But I do feel headaches and pain my  head - and have done for quite a time, but actually that hasn't been so bad recently - so things are 'shifting' and 'changing'. 

I realise that so far, my reaction to Pete Walker's response to me in the blog means that I actually feel more excited about the fact he 'replied to me' - it felt like a very 'young and excited' kind of response - that I felt in myself, as if my Little Hope thought 'He's noticed me' - and that was what felt emotional and exciting.  I realise I've tried to read what he wrote, earlier, and I haven't taken too much of it 'in' - as if my adult side wasn't reading it, but my child side was jumping up and down from being 'noticed'.  Then my inner critics started on me, and told me that I was pathetic for getting excited, and other such things that they said to me.  I turned to doing some 'dot to dots' as I find those relaxing - and it did help. 

I've also found myself worrying about other people in the forum, and noticing that if I've written somewhere, and then the person hasn't come back, and wondering if I've put them off somehow - I realise this sounds very egocentric to say that, and yet, I am just sharing my thoughts on it, as I realise I have thought about it - and I worry for Paperclip, as she's not been around, and also Andyman.  I know that 'goodbyes' or 'endings' of any kind are super-triggering for me, and so I guess I worry about those things.

I feel stupid now that I've just written that.  I also worried for Decimal Rocket, because I had spoken in the other thread about the fact that I'd popped back to write to her, because I didn't want to let her down, and then I felt embarrassed for having written that.  So if you're reading this, Decimal Rocket, don't pay too much attention to me, I am thinking aloud here.

But I also realise I am wanting to share these reflections, because I want to share some of my own vulnerabilities here, because I see how others share theirs, and I know it is helpful, and I also want to be more open here than I might usually be.  I am very 'guarded' in my 'real life' - I am always 'careful' about what I say and how I 'portray myself' - and I think it could be more authentic and real to be more 'relaxed' - yet I know I am probably very 'controlled' as a person.

I've been getting in touch with different 'wounded selves' - and I recognise a few.  I've even begun to 'name them' - but I don't want to share those names here yet - because they might be recognisable to my FOO - if they ever stumbled here. 

I am going to re-read what Pete Walker said in his reply - infact I may copy and paste it into this journal at a later point - so I can keep it here. 

But right now, I want to continue to reflect.

My partner commented that he thinks I've been 'suffering from intense stress' this past few days - he said he's noticed that I'm so tired from that, and that he worries that I've been overdoing things - but at the same time, I think he's glad that I'm talking to him about things, even though I had worried that he might think I was a bit 'mad' - he actually seems to understand and he is supportive.  I am so lucky to have him in my life.  I don't think I could do this without his love and stability - and I was reading something that a new member called Slackjaw99 had written, in his reply to someone else, about having met someone who has a 'stable attachment' and having that relationship was stabilising - and I definitely relate to that.  When I saw a therapist for a while, she told me that being with someone who was supportive like that, was helping me to 'open up' and be more 'vulnerable' and 'ready for change'.

I don't think I'm recalling that correctly - but I do relate to what Slackjaw said.  I didn't comment in the thread where he wrote it, because I was just reading.

The frustrating thing for me at the moment is that I keep getting some 'lightbulb' moments, but then they seem to disappear, and I've not written them down, and then they feel 'lost' - it feels frustrating.  Like I'm trying to use a torch at night in the thick fog, and shining the light doesn't necessarily show the way forward - yet, I know I am going to find a way through.  I can 'feel the way' rather than see it. 

I don't like experiencing indigestion like this.  I think I need to try to relax.

I will try to take it easy for the rest of this evening. 

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Oh Hope, I read that post and I appreciated it. I usually don't think of myself as someone worth worrying about letting down, and it made me smile. I just get really shy sometimes with responding, becaus understanding people takes more stamina from me than most people, and well, being more touchy feely is still a little overwhelming to me sometimes.

Not to mean that you should be hard on yourself for this mistake, but being called a her bothers me. I'm genderfluid, remember? Not that you should call me a him either. Maybe more of a gender neutral "they". Sorry for the trouble.

Sorry that you're going through some trouble Hope with your emotions, and the book you're reading. We all have zig zags sometimes with our time to progress. I'm glad you're allowing yourself to rest.

Take care.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thanks for your reply, and it's good to know that you smiled when you read my comments, because I know that you're ok, and that's good to know.   

No trouble at all by the way, in terms of referring to your preferred gender neutral 'they' - and please don't apologise, I will certainly try to do that - I have been conditioned regarding 'grammar' etc - and so using 'they' seems a little unusual - and maybe I'll stick with 'you' when referring to 'you'.  Or just use your name - but either way, I will definitely address your gender neutral preferences. 

Zig zags - I like that - there have definitely been some 'zig-zags' going on - but I guess it makes the journey more interesting... Yes, I feel more rested today - and thanks again for your reply.

You take care too, Decimal Rocket. 

Hope 

****
Journal Entry for 22nd March 2018

I feel more 'adult' today - and less like a young and excited child - which was very much 'me' yesterday - after getting a reply from Pete Walker.  I wondered if I was 'fawning' and 'trying to please' - and I very much thought that might have been the case, but I do feel happy that he replied and later today I hope to re-read his reply and understand it along with the other things I've been reading about.

I felt quite a bit of 'shame' in the evening yesterday, after I had written my entry here in the journal - also embarrassment that I had expressed some of my vulnerabilities, but today I feel differently about it, and I actually think 'That was brave, Hope, that you did that' - and 'Nothing bad has happened' - and infact, you feel closer to people here for having shared those things.  So that's ok!

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i also thought it was brave of you, hope, and i thank you for sharing, for letting us know you just a bit more.  i'm really glad you could let some of that guard down  -  it's a bit freeing, isn't it?

i totally understand that feeling you got at having pete walker reply to you.  after all, he is a sort of celebrity here, and maybe you were a little bit 'star struck' that he answered you.  i think that would be a pretty common thing to feel.  i've felt that way a couple of times in my life, too, and it was a fun feeling for me.  i hope you can see it that way as well, and just enjoy it.

i've worried also about some of the people we haven't heard from in a while, have worried about some of my responses as well.  i think i rely more on the mods now to let me know if something i wrote is inappropriate, and otherwise hope that people know that what i wrote is only from my perspective, what i think, or is just my opinion.   i truly never want to cause anyone hurt or pain of any kind, and i know you don't either.

very glad you have such a supportive partner.  that's so helpful.  very glad you're feeling strong enough to open up here, too.  thank you for sharing, hope.  love and hugs to you.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for your words, and I appreciate what you said.   Love and hugs back to you - thank you 

****
Journal entry for 23rd March 2018
I think I'm building up to wanting to do some more 'Letters not to send' - because I think that I have some underlying bubbles of emotion that need to be expressed - so I'm trying to locate the strength I'll need to 'write them' - but hopefully on the weekend I will do just that.  I know it always helps me, when I've done that, but I know that it is an emotional experience and will cause me some emotional flashbacks.  i.e. more than I normally get.

I've felt frustrated that at night, I think I'm making some 'key links' - in that I feel like I've made a 'realisation' - and then I can't remember what it was the next day.  I should have a pad and paper by the bed, to capture those realisations, and maybe I'll try that.

There's part of me that feels as if I'm walking through a bog, i.e. a quag mire - or mud - and I am struggling to get through it.  I think I need to build some strong supports to help me rise up above the mud, and then I can walk more freely.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i know that feeling, and i had to chuckle on reading that you felt it.  i always called it 'slogging thru the ****).  it's just a messy place to be, i would always feel messy, it felt difficult to make progress, hard to pick my feet up and take another step forward.  anyway, that's how it's always been for me.

i think those realizations that you've missed will eventually come back.  the fact that they surfaced for you shows that you are gathering strength to face these.  maybe you're not quite ready yet to look them in the face, which is why you haven't had that pen and paper by your side.  when you're ready, you'll either remember, or you'll have your supplies there. 

keep taking care of you, hope.  you are blossoming like a flower in the spring.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Sceal]

Hi Hope

I think it sounds smart to build some support to get you through the quag mire, could you also get support externally? Like a lantern or a rope around your waist to keep you from sinking too deep while you waddle through it?  If It's okay, I'd like to send you some light at least to get you through the mud. Maybe in a form of a pretty firefly (if you like those)