Do you regret telling friends and family early in recovery?

[TiredOfItAll]

I am new to this, forgive me as I haven't read everything yet. My first question is, is anyone sorry they told anyone about the past abuse? In the beginning, I told anyone who would listen. Now I am exhausted from explaining it and beginning to be sorry I told anyone.  It seems I have caused more of an uncomfortable situation having told friends and family.  I wish I could go back in time and not have told anyone for the simple reason, I think people think differently of me now. 
I have lost nearly all of my friends, for all kinds of reasons, mostly because I pushed everyone away. Half my family thinks I am nuts, not a big loss as the abuse was in my family to begin with.  The other half validates me because they went through the same abuse.  I fear that I may have acted too quickly in telling people, I thought I could trust, and should have kept everything to myself. I have been in counseling for about 2 years only to discover the abuse in the last year.  I feel I need to know from people who have truely been through all of this already, do you regret telling so many in the begining? Am I just going through a rough spot? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

[radical]

Tiredofitall,
Welcome
You are brave and trusting and those are wonderful things to be.  Understanding about your abuse is big and important for you, and it is natural to want to share it openly and honestly as all the other big things in life.  I feel like the most miserable, cynical,1000 year old witch because I have to tell you that in my experience, most of even the coolest, most open and kind people don't really want to know about abuse in their own part of the world and from someone they know personally.  for so many reasons.

That doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. In fact, in the grand scheme you've done something worthwhile.  You've probably helped a few people of those least supportive ones in the long run, whether in being able to see and think about their own experiences of abuse somewhere down the line, or with a situation they will encounter with someone they love, in which they will need to be aware and respond.

I'm sorry you didn't get the validation and caring you deserved.  In telling the truth you are part of the light at the end of the tunnel, even if in this case you haven't necessarily been the beneficiary of it personally.

Things will get better for you too.  I don't regret telling the truth about abuse, but i have to admit the cost has been high.  Reality is, in part, painful, ugly and dispiriting, but i like to think that if we are able to keep our eyes open, the reward is the beauty and love that is authentic, that can be relied on.  Anyone can sleepwalk through life, looking at the bits they like, ignoring the rest, but there is a cost to that as well.

Glad to have you on board

[Three Roses]

Hello, and welcome! I am not a person who's gone through this so much as a person who is going through it. In telling people of our past, we get shamed, shushed, told to "get over it", and accused of lying - but that's the limitations of the listeners, not us. Some people just can't accept that horrible things happen to children in their own families. Or, they know because they were involved, and don't want you telling. Either way, telling our truths is a highly personal decision and has its consequences.

I don't regret telling anyone my truth, because I've always done it out of a desire to heal and not to embarrass or thrash anyone. But these days I'm holding my cards close to my chest. I'm being careful to use proper self-care and self-protection so that I don't add more damage to the pile I already have.

Best of luck to you on your journey! Thanks for joining.

[woodsgnome]

Telling others can be a real push/pull situation. One wants desperately to find positive, helpful responses. But so often this can deteriorate into patronizing judgements ranging from false sympathy to outright contempt. One risks being considered as weak and odd, almost a leper.

I have learned too well from this, and now resist as best I can (admittedly hard to do). Sometimes just noting that you had 'a hard childhood' can suffice without going into details, but even that can open pandora's box; you spill things you didn't want to, or find out it isn't taken per your expectations. It's tempting to go for the prospect of another's understanding, but outside of a trusted therapist it's a tall order. One starts with good intentions (be honest; open up, etc.). Humans are prone to judging others, though, and being wholly open about what is still regarded as spooky, requires discretion as to the how/why/who we trust enough to open up with.

Not saying to clam up entirely; one needs to somehow relieve the pressure, but doing so with many people can, as I've found out, make it worse. So while I'd rather be totally frank, I've settled into knowing that, for all the obvious reasons, I just feel too fragile to dive into full divulgence. The trick is to relieve the inner pressure of not being able to speak freely about something of utter importance to who one is. That's where the art of self-care and soothing techniques (meditation, yoga, nature walks, exercise, etc.) can be as important as a tell-all and hope-for-the-best strategy.

Probably the most important part, though, is not falling into the self-blame trap if it turns out your attempt to be wholly honest was misunderstood or worse, resulted in phony pity or even contempt over how weak THEY think you are. Another catch-22 where the result might not turn out to be what was intended. That's sad, but apparently truer than one would care to admit.

Good to see you here--where at least you might feel better able to practice openness with peers who've been there, too. Best to you.