Embarrassed Over Meltdown

[Phoenix09]

I just discovered the pocket of information on CPTSD and emotional flashbacks yesterday and I'm swimming in a world of discovery right now.  I don't know why it took me so long to learn about EFs since I've spent the last 5 years reading and posting about my uBPD family members (mom and sis).  I had episodes that I categorized in my own head as flashbacks but I dismissed them as me not "getting over things" or my broken self bubbling to the surface again.  It was just another weakness in me that I had to find a cure and a fix for.

There is a perfect storm of triggers brewing in my life and I've been terrified of facing them.  My niece is getting married to a man people believe might physically abuse her if he's not already and my family is choosing to completely ignore this fact.  My parents will "celebrate" their 50th Wedding Anniversary in a few weeks and M has already started with "don't do anything but if you do"....when we tried to plan a 25th party for her she found out about some of the details and didn't agree with them so she chose not to show up for almost 2 hours.  We had to beg and bribe her to attend. 

I know all of this is in the back of my head and I kept telling myself to ride the waves of memories that kept popping up out of nowhere.  I thought I was handling the memories but then I fell apart and I had no idea why. 

We were out with friends the night before Thanksgiving and my H was joking about what a disaster my niece's wedding is going to be.  I've often joined in with it because joking has been my only real coping method for my family insanity.  But that night something clicked. In the middle of the bar in front of all kinds of people, I fell apart.  I snapped at my H and picked a fight with him.  I stormed off to a corner where I broke down in tears.  People tried to console me and I wanted nothing to do with it.  I had been drinking so of course comments were made about me being a bad drunk.  And it's not the first time something like this has happened.

I came home and spent the entire night crying.  I had such horrible thoughts about myself and the pain was so unbearable.  I knew I was acting insane and my H had no idea what to do with me.  I heard him on the phone the next morning telling his Mom that he didn't know what to do for me any more.  That set me into a whole new episode.  In desperation, I began searching for answers and found info on CPTSD.

Now that I understand, I want to explain to everyone why I was an absolute idiot and basketcase.  I want to tell them what was going on with me and why I am the way I am.  But I feel like that is just me making excuses again because of my character flaws.  I was drunk and I know that I am not capable of handling my emotions when I drink.  I tell myself that I can't be trusted around people because I have no idea when I will lose control of my emotions.  I want to run and hide and never see anyone again but yet I am so desperate to find somewhere that I fit in and belong.  Any suggestions on what to do after you've aired your dirty laundry to the world?

[Kizzie]

If you've been reading and posting about BPD, then you're probably aware of just how stressful dealing with disordered behaviour is. It's crazy making .... but we aren't crazy even though we feel that way sometimes.   For me, it was such a shock but also a big relief to find out that my 'flaws' are actually symptoms of a stress disorder and that I was not alone in having it.  I look back and see situations where I melted down and now I can see why that happened. 

Your examples of your parents' 25th, of not seeing that the new family member is likely to be abusive - been there, done that and definitely don't want the t-shirt.  It's disordered thinking and behaviour and no-one much less a child should be exposed to it. 

It's odd to think of a meltdown as a cry of sanity and a plea for a healthier environment and relationships from our inner selves, but perhaps if you think of it as you saying "I've had enough, I can't do this any more" it will make more sense. 

I have only chosen to tell my H about having Complex PTSD so far, but perhaps there are other members who have told family/friends and they can let you know how it went.  There are some information sheets in "Downloads" under "Resources" that might be helpful if you do decide to open up about having the disorder.   

[Dee]

I have not had a public meltdown such as you describe, but I have certainly been embarrassed about things I have done or said.  Generally, I am most upset when I disclose too much about myself.  I've always decided to just try to relax, not address it, and see if I am asked.

I am actually facing this on Monday.  I am going to see some old coworkers and I have learned after the fact that they use to talk about my extreme exercise and my low weight.  One coworker use to say things to me and I told him he was crazy, he didn't know what he was talking about.  If anyone asks, my plan is to simply say I am working on it.  I plan to control conversations taking about my kids, new hobbies, new place I am living.  If I let the conversation be about my weight and exercise, then it will go there.  But, I actually sat down and made a plan.  Rehearsing what I want to do and say helps.  I am not going to avoid.