I feel like this is going to go on forever.

[vividglimmer]

Will keep this brief. Went through 'ritual abuse,' and unrelated abuse in pretty much every other context of life. There are so many different pieces of trauma. I don't even totally know what's happened in my life - not even close. It feels like I'll die before I work through all of this, and in the meantime my ability to feel is so muted and dead. A lot of times it feels like I really did die and this is just me taking too long to finally move on past this life. It's been about a year since I acknowledged the RA, and more than three since I acknowledged the abuse in the home. Things are better, but that's not a high bar to cross. I am tired of feeling- whether through panic attacks or flashbacks- like I am about to die. In truth, I don't feel like I'll make it past this year or the next. My time always feels limited. And it is, all people die. I just can't seem to get over feeling like I will die sooner rather than later, before I do any of the things I want to do. There are so many things I want to learn and so many skills I want to develop (the idea of having children or a family still seems like something I just can't do.)

[joyful]

  i know it feels like forever vividglimmer. i know. i don't know when it will get better, but i have to believe that it eventually will.
be patient with yourself. take care of yourself.

[Dee]

A sense of a foreshortened future is a symptom of PTSD.  This is not so crazy or unusual.  It is also why a lot of people who suffer take risks.  Give yourself a chance.  There is time for family and time to learn skills when you are ready.