Giving Up...Again

[rosemarie]

Hi,

***Possible triggers...not graphic

I've been diagnosed complex PTSD for several years after many misdiagnoses. I'm not currently in treatment and suffice it to say I've had nearly every treatment available and spent the past decade in and out of therapy, residential, and inpatient/outpatient trauma programs and doing loads of research to try and survive this. I was actually told after an EMDR session maybe six months ago that I was cured, but here I am again.

I survived a lifetime of sexual abuse trauma and just general abuse trauma as well, repeating the pattern over and over again. I thought I was done repeating it, but apparently I'm just as naive about people and prone to a freeze response as ever cause it just happened again.

I don't know what to do anymore. I lost my job, again. I've isolated myself and its physically painful to leave the house. I can hardly eat or sleep and I'm extremely depressed and feeling like giving up and am using drugs or alcohol to numb myself. But I remembered this place. Most of me feels like giving up.

[radical]

I'm so sorry Rosemary.

I hear your pain and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.  It seems to me they are natural under the circumstances, and I know what it feels like for me when I can see no way out, no solutions, just more pain.
You are not responsible for others' abuse.  If someone takes advantage of your freeze response to past abuse, that's not on you, it makes the abuser's behaviour even more appalling.  If someone took advantage of another having two broken legs to rob them, their would be no shame on the injured party.

it must be really tough losing your job, jobs can be a lifeline in more ways than one.  I hope amidst all this you are able to find ways to be kind to yourself.  i understand the need to numb pain.  I wish there was something I could do to help.

You are not alone.  cyber hugs if you want them.

[rosemarie]

Thanks for the support, that's a great analogy.

[Kizzie]

Hi Rosemarie, I am so sorry to hear you are in a bad place right now  I've been there myself and it sucks to say the least.  I know you said you have been in treatment before but is it possible that the treatment was not what you needed?  I mean obviously it wasn't, but what I mean is that Complex PTSD is not something that is broadly known by professionals just yet and many treat it as though it is PSTD  which doesn't get to the heart of the matter because Complex PTSD has additional symptoms.

I don't know where you live but maybe try searching your location and Complex PTSD and treatment (and maybe try Complex Trauma which is a term some professionals use).  That should zero in on Ts/programs that do know about Complex PTSD and more importantly how to treat it.

Also, if you go to http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/ there are some handouts for professionals about the disorder and also a form to complete which describes the causes and your symptoms of CPTSD.  You can take both to any appointment(s) to make sure you and the T are working from the same page.   

Hope is hard when things are bleak I know, but if you can gather up the strength to give this a try you just may find better help to make your way out of this.      

[rosemarie]

Hi Lizzie,

Thanks, yes I was in treatment multiple times for complex PTSD in specific trauma based programs. I no longer have he resources for any more of that. I was seeing an emdr therapist who is competent but I feel like she gave up on me as soon as I was a little better just telling me I was 'healed'. Which seems odd. I can of have the sense maybe my case is too much for her and I live in a rural area now where there are no others competent in complex PTSD, I've already done he research. Thanks for the support.

[Peggy-Sue]

so sorry you feel unwell again. perhaps some rest away from work may be a blessing while you regain your strength , as you say you survive. So you will move forward out of this dark period in your life again
the drugs/alcohol always tempting but can get you in more trouble and aint cheap either.......
one of my therapists from years ago told me this about repeating patterns of self sabotage/abuse...
" you walk down the street , you don't see the hole in the ground and you fall in, you walk down the street the next time , see the hole and still fall in...you walk down the street next time , see the hole but walk around it",
I try to remember this when i think i'm falling into the hole again, hope it helps you
take care, stay safe and put on some music that makes your heart shine
warm thoughts peggy -sue

[sanmagic7]

o, rosemarie, i can so relate.  sometimes it seems like everything is getting harder rather than easier the farther we get into all this.  i've been to your place more times than i can count, am still not quite sure why i made it out only to fall back in and make it out again. 

lately, my physical issues have become overwhelming and i've felt like my body was dying, just crumbling and beginning to fade away.  i got some possibly hopeful news from a doc yesterday, but today i'm still sick, feeling crummy, and just don't know.

i'm offering you my hand.  maybe together we can help pull each other up out of this morass of helplessness.   i'm just gonna ask the powers that be to give me the strength to get through this day, and be as kind to myself as possible.  join me?

[rosemarie]

Thanks everyone for your support and kindness. I really appreciate it. In my life I'm getting people telling me I'm selfish or lazy or childish and that hurts and leads me to further isolation. People are so ignorant, it's exhausting. I at least fed myself tonight.

[sanmagic7]

i think we need more of being self-ish, as in taking care of and caring about ourselves.  i'm glad you ate - it's a good step.  i agree with you about the ignorance - it runs rampant.  i've been weeding out those ignorants for quite a while, because it became too exhausting to put up with, explain to, or be around them.  the weird thing is that i don't feel like i'm isolating, just doing what's best for me.  i have a few good people in my life who i want to keep now, and i'm content with that.   i have stopped being ok with being hurt by others.  like my hub would say, 'it's unnecessary punishment'.   don't need it, don't want it, won't have it anymore.

you can be who you are and it's ok by me.  my wish for you is to just be able to enjoy yourself and your life.