Woodsgnome's New Life Journal

[sanmagic7]

that's a beautiful prayer, wg.  very heartfelt, very spiritual, very self-less, but in a wondrous way.

(i've also loved some of the sufi stuff.  it made sense to me as a spiritual essence.  same with some of the other practices/beliefs you mentioned.)

i'm very glad for you that you are releasing the 'god' of the gawdawfuls and finding your own.  i have long disagreed with so much of organized religion and people who hide behind it.  i've never discovered greater hypocrisy in all my years.

i think what you are discovering is recovery at some of its best.  sending a warm, loving hug to you.

[radical]

I was moved to read this.

Finding a path back to that essence; for may of us it must be one we carve out for ourselves. 

Namaste, WG (said in the hope that the word has not been cheapened or degraded by your experience of it)

[woodsgnome]

Today would be the m's birthday, though she died way back when I was a teen.

**TRIGGER** She was a huge enigma for me--my first memory is of being molested by her. Trouble is, that set the pace for the next 9 years; I can't recall a day she didn't visit me in the bathroom and, well, it's way too painful to bother describe anything beyond that awful intro to 'life'.
**END TRIGGER**

I think the endgame was a major flare-up with the f (no piece of cake either) when he figured it out (although my mind is in a huge fog with details of how the years of abuse ended--I don't care anymore, only for the mess it made of my 'formative years'. While the m probably missed her daily joy in humiliating me, she turned from that to major league abandonment. The f did, too, but to a lesser extent than her. When she did die, the funeral was like that for another person--and in point of fact, was more the case than I then realized; I never knew who that person was.

I've tried unsuccessfully to wipe out the memories...one time a T even tried to draw out some positive memory that I held, and I just couldn't find one. Not even a genuine smile--hers were pathetic as they only happened during abusive incidents.

Here's the current deal, the only one that matters. I've tried forgiveness, understanding, crying, raging, and all the other natural reactions; although it took some while to consider it natural; I was the defective one, all was always my fault, you know all that. I've been making peace with myself thanks to being able to (painfully) share how common this is within this forum, for instance. Here there's others who've run this same tortured path, and I never found that sort of community anyplace else.

Today there was a thread by JamesG on OOTS touching on how victims responses are natural and not off par. It hit my m button once more, only this time the lightbulb was--yes, that's it--I suddenly realized I was dealing with a m who herself never grew up...I became the unwitting victim of that heritage. I can see it all over her family as well; an odd and very foreboding crew of people. Comedic if their actions hadn't been so very tragic. There's more to it, but that's the huge tip of a deep and gigantic iceberg.

This hasn't led to my calling this stuff about the m forgiveness, and I'm not convinced that's necessary. I've tried that, too, and mouthing the word doesn't do a thing for me. Actually all I get is kind of a sense of  dissociation--even with myself; I fade badly into that void of nothingness. The only thing that bothers me about this is all the 'professional' self-help squawkers who insist that doing this grand formality called forgiveness would make me feel better. Guaranteed. Their grand pronouncements have only tended to further my sense of failure when I can't reach the holy grail of forgiveness.

I still can't use the word forgiveness in a way to where it's not just a blah statement that doesn't ring true. But maybe I have come to a radically different space from what the 'experts' advise (my own T being an exception to that . End game for me now is that I didn't have a m except in title. And now I can walk on, knowing but not understanding, stepping past the hurt but natural reaction to her own abhorrent and unnatural treatment of an innocent child.

Maybe in a way I've forgiven without using the word? Maybe the word just seemed too easy, and why should it be that easy? All I know is I feel better about realizing that the lack of a m doesn't make me unique or a failure.

There is no understanding, and maybe that's my own way of acknowledging forgiveness, but finding it via my own trail. Nothing on the new path undoes the horrors of the old, but it doesn't matter. What does is that I've been able to get this far without fearing that the next step I'll slip back into the rotten mess I once felt trapped in. Some call this progress, but whatever the name it's been a relief to have found it.

[Three Roses]

I Love this! I, too, have found something that stops short of forgiveness; I called it understanding in another post but that's not accurate and acceptance doesn't ring true, either. I tried briefly to find a synonym that works, but they all have an inference of agreement or compliance, which also won't work for me.

The closest I could come was the word 'discharge', which implies that the offense is recognized but retribution is waived.

I hold my right to recognize the abuse that I suffered was wrong, that I was hurt, that I am angry it happened and don't wish to have any contact with the surviving abuser. But I relinquish my right for retribution. I discharge that person from having to "make it right" for me, releasing them to the judgment of the universe and the consequences of their own karma. I leave them behind me.

[DecimalRocket]

Forgiveness is a concept that's strangely controversial in many of our lives. What is it? What does it mean to forgive? Is it worth it?

In one hand, there's this group that heralds forgiveness as something miraculous. Pure. Ideal. Everyone needs to be forgiven, even those who have done wrong, in their eyes. For many of those who don't forgive, some may even look down on those who don't, which is rather hypocritical for them to do.

In another hand, there are people who heralds forgiveness as naive. People who have done wrong have to be punished, hurt or taken revenge on. This tends to cause a cycle of pain and hurt over and over again — not just in physical wars, but in emotional wars with others too.

But maybe what's ideal for us is somewhere in the middle. Remembering, but never forgetting. Not entirely forgiving them for what they've done wrong but never made up for, but at least forgiving yourself.

I think of it as a hole in your heart. The hole will never go away, but rather than tying it up close, it's better for your heart to go bigger, to expand around it, so it doesn't seem to take as much space as it has before.

Take care, w.g.

[woodsgnome]

As pointed to by both ThreeRoses and DecimalRocket, the art of forgiveness isn't so much about a word as it is about inner release. Like letting go of a balloon, perhaps; you hold onto it, then realize it was meant to fly away.

What really bothered me about the 'have to' form of forgiveness was its resemblance to that awful saying: "just get over it"; a phrase both trivializing and dismissive of the work it might entail to untangle the nightmare.

Whatever any individual ends up calling it isn't the point; it's how whatever you do the heart-hole isn't just patched, but restored to flourish and thrive as one travels the new way. It wasn't easy, enduring not just the original abuse but the many facets of remorse for so long after. Then self-compassion provides the key to unlock the door. Whatever one chooses to call it, the fresh air is welcome.

I often wondered about calling this a "new life" journal. As it moves along, I am noticing more fresh air driving away the stagnation of where I was with so much of the old life's patterns. 

[Blueberry]

I often wondered about calling this a "new life" journal. As it moves along, I am noticing more fresh air driving away the stagnation of where I was with so much of the old life's patterns.

That sounds excellent woodsgnome! 

[woodsgnome]

Fatigue. Usual after therapy. This one -- deep and touching. There's lots to analyze, maybe; but why would I want to. I just want to rest, knowing that I've been there for me, and that my T is a sterling example of someone who can be not only highly professional, but coming from a depth of caring.

This is a rough ride; always was. Seems like I've grown, though, especially within the last year. One year ago, the ending of life seemed to appeal more than slogging along. That changed one day when my T suggested something simple but profound that activated my will to continue. I also got better at catching the many lapses into dissociation. I even began to solidly identify feelings I'd stifled for most of my life (which has its up/down side--avoiding feelings made me think I was also avoiding the pain).

Toting up advance and retreat scenarios isn't fully relevant--they're only game markers. The final verdict on what therapy does it seems comes only from the heart's view. Do I seem better able to withstand the deep dives of depression and who knows what else will probably come along? And sometimes 'better' can be a narrow guage anyway.

There's a wholeness factor, and in that sense yes I'm doing much better. And wholeness isn't just about progressing; it can take in and acknowledge the times when all went crashing, falling away to where hope is lost. It goes against the notion of constant progress that includes only the happy smiley sort; but also the tough slogs when my only friend is the desperate loneliness.

I'm trying my best to avoid that territory, but know too well how often words like try and hope and the best is yet to come turn meaningless. All I end up with is empty slogans. The heart knows when it feels nourished, and that's how this therapy is going right now. It doesn't seem wise to analyze (been there, done that, over and over), only to draw into my being and accept its resonance of peace.

I used to think peace was something like a concluding statement--a goal. It's certainly a devout wish, but trying so hard to find it is counter-intuitive. I can just choose to be, without the strain of trying so hard. When I do that, there's lots of peace already to be had, and what's to come will come of its own accord. My part? To be more than to do.

Not in withdrawal from being open to what I can do, but realistic in knowing 1)what I have done already; and 2)I am worthy and deserving with nothing to prove but miles to go before I sleep. Even I can thrive, not just survive. New stuff, lots to take in. In that sense still a beginning step, so I take a beginner's mind with me. It's all about reframing/unlearning and discovering/learning to live a life worth living.

[radical]

Hugs.

[Three Roses]

I love your way with words. Some deep thoughts, I'll reread when I'm fully awake. Thank you my friend. A safe  if you want.

[DecimalRocket]

I think I understand what you're learning here.

Peace seemed like a destination. But we're always moving in life, and so peace has to be something moving along with us as well.

I remember a certain metaphor I remember when studying Taoism, a Chinese philosophy. It's like lakes upon lakes from the top of a rugged mountain going downwards and streams of water flowing downwards in smooth waterfalls into the ground. The water doesn't fight gravity. It acts with gravity, and so it moves with a certain effortless peacefulness to it.

It accepts what cannot be moved by obstacles such as boulders or fallen trees and yet it has the courage to continue on when it has a chance to.

[sanmagic7]

your voice here seems different, wg.  stronger, more sure of yourself, more whole.  more comfortable in your skin, maybe. 

for myself, i've decided to let the powers that be worry about forgiveness.  that took a whole bunch of struggle out of me, a lot of battling energy that just wasn't getting me anywhere pos.  i'm dealing with my experiences as best i can so they don't continue to run my life, but i'll leave forgiveness to an energy beyond mine.

so very glad to see you like this, wg.  big hug.

[woodsgnome]

Thanks, friends...

Radical...you've had a huge role in turning my view towards new horizons of healing with your sharings here.

3Roses..Perhaps the "way with words" only represents the lost ramblings of an injured soul struggling to find a way to stanch the wounds still so deeply felt.

Decimal Rocket...thanks for pointing out the lesson that peace isn't static, but moves along with life's tumbles. And somehow it stays in the flow, finding its own way as in the Taoist story you recalled.

Sanmagic7, If I do seem more secure, along with it comes the realization that recovery is never a done deal or that it will look or feel exactly as one thought it would. It's a challenging trip full of obstacles like EF's ready to test one's stamina and will to stay on course when all ahead is still hidden in fog.     

[sanmagic7]

good observation about recovery, wg.  i completely agree with you that the challenges will always be there.  i believe our strength comes from knowing that, as you said, yet still willing to move forward.  challenging the challenges, so to speak.  right on, brother! (fist in the air).  big hug to you.

[woodsgnome]

It's all been pretty wild lately. Kind of a steady slide backwards, vaguely and uncomfortably familiar, cascading into a tunnel of pain. It's like having to go through a dark cave to get to where you want to be, except it's never been a smooth ride and you're frantic but still can't do anything about it. I just hope it doesn't last too long; and that I can get through without waking the spooks again.

The haunting 'voices' returned a few weeks back, and dominated many sleepless nights. Nothing was happening, but it all was happening...again. No one was there, but all the abusers--somehow they were. It was all induced via memory and the mind's tricks, but that didn't  dull the intensity. Contradiction doesn't always apply when the mind's storms rattle all the senses.

Fragile minds easily feel the real/unreal effects of long passed threats. 'Long ago' doesn't cut it when it feels like right now...again. Armed to the hilt with preventive measures, they all fade quickly when the unseen assault hits.

This stuns me. I've worked very hard on deflecting my leftover terrors. All I can say now is...it hasn't ended. It's like a brand steamed into me and its painful impact flares up not just the emotional/mental memory cauldron, and in addition to mental woes come the physical lameness the med professionals call 'inflammation' or 'arthritis'.

Whatever the name, they view it as purely medical, but I see more beyond that surface appearance. Deep in my being this stuff erupts periodically. It hurts in ways no medication can reach, trapping all the senses that are felt with each movement (the body keeps the score). No denial or logic seems able to withstand the onslaught.

Usually a therapy session can help. I'm sure yesterday's probably did, but nothing obvious says that it did, this time. I felt awful the whole time, not trying so much as hoping for some insight to come, or at least some tangible refief. Not this time. My mind splattered in all the usual dissociative patterns and my focus blurred.

I don't know what to make of that. All I know is it feels lonely to be like this. I'm used to and even sought my solitary way of living but this loneliness on top can crush even the noblest intent. Somewhere there's light to be shed on these moments. But actively searching for it? No, experience tells me I'm in a storm, that I've been there before, and while all storms diminish they're fierce and unwelcome travail. Telling myself that it's all temporary doesn't quell the storm, just creates an illusion, because in this moment the storm swirls on at its own pace.